Retrograde
by Flypaperfornightmares7
Summary: After an accident, Killian wakes up with very few memories, but one name stands out: Emma Swan. Only problem? Killian and Emma have not been on speaking terms for six months. Emma is dealing with her own problems and is too broken to help him. Her life is spiraling and she can barely save herself, let alone him. Can these two broken souls fix each other? Modern Captain Swan AU.
1. Backwards Motion

**I'm back with an all new AU fic! Thank you all for the reception to In the Midst! I'm very excited to start this new journey. Please let me know what you think! Also, make sure to check out my new Story Red Rose. I am hoping to add a new chapter soon!**

* * *

 _Chapter 1: Backwards Motion_

"Hello? Is this Emma Swan?"

Emma hesitated to respond. The voice over the phone sounded familiar, but the calling number was unknown.

"Yes." Emma finally said, prompting a sigh of relief from the other end of the line.

"Emma, it's Robin." She smiled a bit when she heard his name. Emma had known Robin since her freshman year in college at Misthaven University. He was the same year as her in school. He had been roommates with Killian, despite their differing years. Killian had been a sophomore and Robin a freshman, but the two hit it off quite well. She had not spoken with Robin much over the past few months, sporadically here and there, when she saw him passing in the halls, or at lunch, or when he was with Regina, a newfound friend of Emma's. There were no hard feelings with him, just an awkward tension.

"Robin. What's up?" Emma looked at her phone again, inspecting the number. She had never deleted Robin's number from her phone, so he must be using another person's phone to reach her.

"It's Killian." His voice dripped with desperation.

"What about Killian?" Emma asked, walking out of the commons area and into her dorm room to have a bit more privacy.

"He had an accident." Robin said.

She had barely closed the door when she exclaimed, "What?!" She locked the door and hushed her tone so no one would come in thinking there was a problem. "What do you mean there was an accident."

"Emma, it was a car acc-"

"Is he okay?" Emma cut him off before he could even finish answering her question.

Emma could hear some commotion in the background and could only assume that Robin was in the hospital, most likely the waiting room since he was not next of kin. "They are cleaning him up now."

Emma let out a low breath. "He hurt?"

"Some scrapes and bruises-" Robin's voice caught, not out of emotion, but out of hesitation. "Em, he hurt his head."

Emma closed her eyes tightly and sat down on her bed. This could not be happening. "How bad? Is there bleeding? Can he-"

"Emma, he has amnesia." Robin stopped her. "The Doctor says its retrograde."

 _Retrograde Amnesia_. Emma had taken a general psychology class her freshman year and knew enough about the subject to know what retrograde amnesia was. He could not remember anything before the injury, but would be able to make new memories. With the exception of a few facts, people and concepts, Killian would know nothing of his life. Memories could come back, and sometimes they did, but it was a gradual process.

When Emma hadn't spoken for a while, Robin talked again. "He doesn't remember Will or me."

"Robin, I'm so sorr-"

"That's not why I am calling you, Emma."

"Why?"

"He remembers you."

"What?" Emma asked, pure shock in her voice. She and Killian had not spoken in close to six months. Why in the world did he remember her.

"I don't know what he remembers of you, but when I saw him he just kept mumbling your name."

"Are you sure?" Emma rationalized. "He could be saying something else. Maybe he is calling out for Milah and he can't pronounce it clearly."

"Emma." She could picture Robin shaking his head. "He was saying your name."

Emma stood up and started pacing, in an effort to calm herself down. "What do you want from me, Robin?"

"Come see him. Maybe seeing you will help him."

"If he remembers me, that is the last thing that will help him." Emma stated in an almost mocking tone.

"I think he remembers the concept of you more than everything that happened." Robin assured her. "Besides, you are the only one he remembers so far."

Emma knew what Robin was getting at. She was not stupid. It was a bad idea though and they both knew it. "Robin, I can't fix him."

"Emma-"

"No. Whatever you are asking me to do, it is a no. I can't help him." She could barely help herself.

"Emma, I am just asking you to come see him. Anything after that is your need to make things as familiar as possible though."

"Robin, I-"

"He would do it for you if it was reverse."

Emma gripped the phone. "Don't try and guilt me into this."

Robin sighed. "I'm not. I am merely stating the obvious. He misses you, Emma."

Emma chuckled to herself. "He's got a funny way of showing it."

"Emma, please."

Emma shook her head, not that Robin could actually see that. She rolled her eyes before asking, "What hospital room?"

* * *

 _216\. Grimm Hall. Emma looked up at down but could not seem to find the right dorm. Great, it was only her first day and she was already lost. Good going, Emma._

 _Emma was a freshman at Misthaven University. This was her shot to make it in the real world. Growing up in the foster system, college was not a guarantee, so the fact she was able to swing it, threw busting her butt during high school, was a dream come true._

" _Excuse me?" Emma approached a brunette in a blouse and short skirt, accompanied with tall heels. "Do you know where Grimm dorm is?"_

 _The girl laughed. "Yes. That is my dorm, actually. I'm Belle, one of the RA's there. Would you like me to show you? It's not far."_

" _Yes, thank you." Emma let out a sigh of relief._

 _Belle led Emma to the right, showing her that she had been completely off of where the dorm actually was. "So, what's your name?"_

" _Emma Swan."_

 _Belle just nodded. "Freshman, I'm presuming?"_

" _Yeah." Emma laughed a bit despite herself. "What year are you?"_

" _Sophomore in the literature department." Belle stated proudly. They walked for a few more moments before Belle pointed and exclaimed. "There. You weren't that far off."_

" _Thank you. I think I have it from here."_

" _I look forward to getting to know you, Emma." She smiled._

" _You too." Emma said before disappearing inside the large building. She was in suite 216-so she must be on the second floor, right?She slowly made her way up the stairs, her small amount of luggage in tow. The floor was a buzz with different girls moving in, taking pictures of their rooms and their parents saying goodbye. Emma ignored the chaos and moved to look at the numbers. She worked her way upwards until she found suite 216. She took a large breath. There was no going back now._

 _She opened the door slowly, peering in to see if anyone was there. Voices filled the rooms and she moved to go to the rooms, but not looking where she was going until she hit something. Or more accurately someone._

 _Five seconds in her new dorm and she already managed to plow someone over. Strike two for Emma._

 _She looked up, surprised that she was met with the face of a guy instead of a fellow dorm mate. He was tall, with dark hair and blue eyes, a bit of scruff accenting his face._

" _Okay, so one of us has the wrong dorm." Really, Emma? That's the best you could do? This guy probably thinks you are insane._

" _Aye, lass. I was wondering why everyone in here was female." He joked. Emma smiled, resulting in him smiling too. "I was helping my friend, Dave move his girlfriend in."_

" _How nice."_

" _More like he forced me. But let's go with what you said." Emma laughed again._

" _Killian Jones." He stuck out his hand, before realizing hers were full. "Here, why don't I help you instead. I think Dave has everything under control."_

" _Thank you." Emma whispered as he took one of her bags._

" _How about instead of thanks you give me your name?" He rose an eyebrow and she pointed which room to go in._

" _Emma. Emma Swan."_

" _Swan." He repeated. "I like it. I take it we will be seeing a lot of each other, Swan."_

" _Yeah." She nodded. "I guess we will."_

" _I look forward to it."_

 _Me too, Emma thought. Me too._

* * *

Emma did not have the greatest associations with hospitals. She showed up here to many times as a kid-for reasons no one could ever explain. They believed she broke her arm (her foster brother really pushed her down the stairs), they said she hurt her ankle playing soccer (she hurt it while running from an abusive father). And then there were all the bruises. But she was just clumsy, right?

This was not the way Emma imagined seeing Killian again. They had not spoken in close to six months and their last conversation was not pretty. Emma always thought, if they were to speak again for some strange reason, it would be tense and most likely end in an argument.

Not knowing what Killian remembered of her was scary all he remembered was how things ended, she would be of no help to him. But was the alternative any better? If he did not remember how things ended between them, why they stopped being friends, would that help either of them? Any help she provided him by trying to prompt some old memories-would it be right? He would think that they were still friends. He would be believing a lie.

Emma shook the thoughts out of her head as she walked into the waiting room, where she found Will Scarlet waiting for her. Will was-well Will. Will was Killian's year in college, a grade level above Emma and the rest of the group. He had been a suite mate of Killian's and nothing short of a trouble maker. He had an obsession with alcohol, girls and trash talk. Emma had no clue how him and Killian ever hit it off, or how they managed not to kill the other, but somehow they did.

"Nice to see you, Emma." His accented voice greeted her.

"Wish I could say the same." She answered truthfully.

Will nodded solemnly. "He's awake. You should go see him."

Might as well get this over with, Emma thought. She motioned for Will to lead the way to Killian's hospital room. They were silent on the walk up. She had had more contact with Will over the past few months than Robin, but that was mostly from Will's fancying Belle, who was still at university pursuing her masters. Emma only interaction with either Robin or Will was both through their girls.

Will stopped outside room 108. "He's been in and out of sleep all day." Emma knew what Will was saying. If Killian was asleep, she should stay and wait for him to wake up.

"Thanks, Will." Emma opened the door slowly, making sure to be as quiet as possible, and then carefully shut it. Killian was lying in a hospital bed, eyes close, hooked up to monitors and wires. When the door fully shut, his eyes opened, revealing he had not been asleep.

"Swan." He whispered, voice gruff with sleep.

"Hey, you remember." She responded softly, moving to stand by his bed.

He gave her a lopsided smile. "How could I forget?." His voice was sing-songy, probably from the amount of drugs he was on to help with the pain.

Emma smiled, not sure what to say next. She scanned him, his body hidden by the white sheets of the hospital bed. His arms lay on the blankets, his left hand, or what should have been his left hand, completely wrapped up in medical tape. She turned her eyes away from it, not wanting to draw attention to the fact that she had noticed when he himself still probably did not know.

"What's the last thing you remember?" She asked him. His response was a small shrug. Emma sighed to herself, stepping a bit closer. "Okay, what do you remember?" She tried to keep her voice soft, in case he did not remember much of them, she did not want to scare him off.

"You."

Emma nodded. "What about me?"

He shook his head. "Not like that. I remember who you are, but that is about it. Your name was the only one I could remember when I woke up." He sounded disappointed. "If I try harder, maybe-"

"It's okay. You've been through a lot." The opening of a door stopped Emma from saying more. A nurse stood there, a clipboard in hand and a solemn look upon her face. "I'm sorry, miss, I need to ask you to leave."

Emma did not put up a fight, knowing it would do no good, instead turning and saying a quick goodbye to Killian, assuring him she would see him soon. To that he gave her a large smile.

Oh, how she had missed that smile.

Oh, how she missed him.

* * *

 **Reviews?**


	2. Another Week, Another War

**Thank you all so much for the reception to the first chapter. I was blown away! This chapter will involve more of the secondary characters, but we will get to see some Killian next chapter. Don't worry! And make sure to check my page for a new one shot that should be coming out later this week. I am really excited for you all to read it!**

 **Hope you enjoy this chapter.**

 _Chapter 2: Another Week, Another War_

 _Emma Swan did not have pictures coating the walls of her dorm room._

 _Her mother did not send her care packages every other week._

 _She did not stay up late talking to her siblings on the phone, telling them of all the wonders of college._

 _Emma Swan had an old baby blanket, a few contacts in her phone, and a lifetime of emotional issues._

 _Ruby was the first to point out that Emma did not bring much with her to college. Considering that they were roommates, they were bound to have this conversation eventually. When Ruby finished moving herself in to her side of the room, with the help of her grandmother, a spitfire of a woman, she peered over to Emma's bleak side, simply stating "You pack light."_

 _Mary-Margaret noticed next. She was a sweet young girl, staying in the next room over in their suite with Aurora. Emma and Mary-Margaret me the first day, due to David and Killian, but they would have seen each other soon after even if it were not for the men. Mary-Margaret's room looked like pinterest exploded all over it. She oozed over all her pictures from back home. Her family, her best friends Herc and Alice, her horse and dozens of other pictures with various backstories. Her desk was properly organized and her closet was perfect, not a single item out of place. She popped into Emma and Ruby's room on the second day after arriving, coming to see if they had any tape, when she noticed how little Emma had done to her side of the room._

" _Do you want some help?" The petite woman asked. "I am really good at decorating!"_

 _Emma shook her head casually. "I'm not a huge decor person. I like things simple."_

 _The answer was enough to satisfy Mary-Margaret, who really did not know Emma at that point and could not argue with her._

 _It was when Killian noticed her lack of possessions that it finally sunk in. The two had seen each other at various points over the first week of school. They were in the same English class and considering the fact that their suitemates were dating, they found themselves in the same friend circle. One night, he and David were stopping by the girls' dorm so they could all head over to the cafiteria for dinner when Killian said something._

" _Not a sentimental one, eh Swan?"_

 _Emma did not notice the first time he simply called her Swan, but the nickname stuck. She could not remember many times over the past week that he had actually called her by her real name._

 _Emma shrugged. "Less hassle with moving in."_

 _Killian hummed. "I'm not sentimental either."_

" _Really?"_

" _Aye." They stood in silence for a few moments before he added. "Something tells me it is less of of your level of sentimentality and more the issue of you do not have anything worth bringing."_

 _His words shocked her, but did not keep her down for long. "What makes you think that?"_

" _You are something of an open book to me, love."_

 _Emma scoffed under her breath, mentally hoping that Mary Margaret was almost ready to leave. "Well, I am not any book you would want to read."_

" _Let me be the judge of that."_

 _Emma opened her mouth, a sarcastic response on her tongue, when David popped his head in. "You two ready?"_

 _Killian stared at her for a moment, before turning to David. "Aye, mate."_

 _Emma knew what he was doing. He was giving her a way out, an easy escape from the conversation._

 _And she took it._

" _Yeah, let's go. I'm starving." Emma said, grabbing her jacket as she walked past Killian out of the room._

 _Emma may not have grown up with a lot , but she grew up learning how to protect herself. And that lesson was more important than any possession._

* * *

Emma mentally cursed herself for taking eighteen credits yet again. It was March of her senior year and things were as hectic as ever. She was attending school on a scholarship, so she rationalized with herself that she needed to take the max amount of credits every semester to make the most of her scholarship. But it was moments like these, the end of March, the second half of a hard semester that would only get harder, that she seriously reconsidered that option.

Ever since the news of Killian's accident, Emma had thrown herself into her work. It had only been four days since she had last seen him, but it felt like an eternity. He had gotten out of the hospital the day before and went back to his apartment that he shared with and Will, the one he lived in ever since graduation. Emma remembered that when he announced to her that he would be sharing an apartment with Will, she was not exactly thrilled, but when he explained it was only because it was two miles from his new job, the one he had wanted so badly, she was able to be happy for him.

Mary Margaret walked in, all dolled up in a pretty dress and make-up. Emma smiled a bit, assuming that she was going to see David. David had graduated the previous year, along with Will and Killian, but he and Mary-Margaret were still going strong. Their fairy tale love story was one for the books.

"Em, have you seen my blue earrings?" Her friend asked her.

Emma looked up from the textbook in her lap. "Ruby might have borrowed them."

Mary-Margaret sighed. "She out with Victor?"

"It's Saturday night, isn't it?" Emma laughed.

Mary Margaret moved towards Emma's bed, kneeling on it. "You are right. Which raised the question why you are in here studying?"

Emma rolled her eyes at her. "You know I have a ton of work due for Senior Sem on Monday!"

"Why you took that class I will never know."

"It's in my major!" Emma defended.

"You sure this isn't about Killian?"

Emma rolled her neck back, groaning. "It is not about him."

"How is he?"

Emma shrugged. "I haven't heard from Will since yesterday. He brought him home and he seems to be responsive to the pain meds."

Mary-Margaret hummed. "When are you going to see him next?"

Emma hesitated, closing her book and pushing it off of her lap. "I have not actually agreed to see him again."

"Emma-" Mary Margaret warned.

"I just do not know if it is a good idea." Emma cut her off. "We haven't been on good terms for the past six months. What makes you think that seeing me will help him?"

"Because it's you." Mary-Margaret answered. "Just go talk to him."

"I can't make him remember anything. That's gotta be him." Emma pushed.

"No one is asking for you to make him remember. He just needs someone. You are the only thing that makes sense to him right now. He is confused and everyone is a stranger. He just needs someone to be there for him and help him. You can do that."

"I'm not very good at helping people." Emma said under her breath.

"Now that, Emma Swan, is a lie." Mary-Margaret's voice started to sound like what everyone called her mom voice. She was definitely the mom of their friend group, despite being one of the youngest.

"It's just-a lot has happened in the past six months." Emma sighed.

"We graduate in less than two months, Emma. Don't you think it's time to work on reconciling with him."

"He doesn't even remember why we weren't talking in the first place!" Emma was frustrated, now standing so she could pace around the room. "He's got no memory of anything that has happened between us, including everything that went wrong after he graduated."

"You mean after he met Milah?"

Emma stopped, turning to look at Mary-Margaret. "What?"

"Things got bad between you two when he met Milah."

Emma shook her head. "We weren't on great terms before that. She was just the breaking point."

Mary-Margaret nodded. "You owe it to yourself to get closure, Emma."

"Why?"

"Because even if he doesn't remember, you do." Mary-Margaret stood up from her bed, making her way towards the door. "I've got to go, but just think about what I said, alright?"

Emma did not say anything, just simply nodded before Mary-Margaret awkwardly slipped out of the room.

Emma thought about what her friend had said. No matter what happened, she still had four years worth of memories in her head, even if the last year of them were sour. She knew in her heart things started to turn bad between her and Killian after he graduated and they were no longer seeing each other every day, but it was more than that. They let their communication go, he poured himself into his job and she into her school work. They never saw each other and eventually they were different people.

Something in Emma still missed him. He had been her best friend. He understood her in a way that no one else ever would. While he may never fully remember her, she remembered him. And she knew she would regret it if she left him alone when he needed her the most.

Emma sighed and shook her head as she made her way across the room, reached for her phone,and before she could talk herself out of it, texted Will asking if she could see Killian during the next week.

* * *

Even after four years of living at college, Emma still could not get used to cafeteria food. There were many days when she took one look at the main line and quickly decided it was a salad day.

Today was one of those days.

Plate in hand, she set off to find somewhere to sit. Emma was thankful that her schedule this semester allowed her to come get lunch before the rush came in. Last semester, she got out of class the same time as the majority of the school, resulting in everyone coming for food at the same time.

Regina sat at a table to her right, waving for her to come join her. Regina and Emma had met the previous year when she transferred from another University in New York, majoring in business. Regina was placed in the suite across from Emma. To say the two girls did not hit it off was an understatement. The majority of Regina's first semester was filled with their bickering or avoiding each other. At some point, however, they found common ground and formed a slow, and strange, friendship, still filled with a fair amount of bickering and sarcasm.

Emma walked towards Regina and saw that Robin, her boyfriend and Killian's friend, was sitting next to her. Robin had been the one that initially called Emma when Killian had his accident. She met him before Regina, sometime during her freshman year. Robin, who had also been a freshman, was friends with Killian, a sophomore during their first year and their friend groups eventually meshed. She did not see as much of Robin now that her and Killian were, well, whatever they were, but often got to catch up with him when he was with Regina. The two of them harbored no negative towards the other. Whatever happened between Killian and Emma was between them and should not affect their friends.

"Hey guys." Emma greeted them as she set down her tray and sat down across from them.

"Hey, Emma." Robin said first. "How've you been?"

Emma took a bite of her food, reminding herself it was impolite to talk with her mouth full. "Good. Classes have been really busy. I have this huge project in my one class and another class I have to finish up my research. How have you two been?"

Regina nodded. "I'm working on setting up my internship for this summer. And classes-well, they are going."

Emma laughed, turning to Robin. "Things are well. Hectic."

She nodded and took another bite of her salad. They ate in silence for a few moments before Robin brought up the elephant in the room. "Have you seen Killian lately?"

Emma shook her head. "I'll see him this weekend. We haven't talked since I saw him in the hospital." She pushed the lettuce around on her plate with ehr fork. "Have you seen him?"

"A few times. Will has been keeping me updated, though."

Emma looked up from her plate. "How's he doing."

"Better. The bruises are pretty much gone. His hand isn't infected and the doctors will start discussing a prosthetic soon."

Emma nodded. "He remember anything?"

Robin sighed and Regina placed her hand on his shoulder for support. "Nothing yet. The doctors are pretty sure it is temporary retrograde. His hypocampus-"

"Hippocampus" Emma corrected him.

"Right. Hippocampus was injured when he hit his head. Something else was injured too, but I am not great with the technical terms. A lot of people regain their memories from what the doctors called "temporarily graded" but it can take a while."

"But he'll remember?" Emma sounded hopeful.

Robin gave her a reassuring grin. "That's the plan."

* * *

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	3. Verso

**Hello all! Sorry about the wait with this chapter. But it is so far one of my favorites! I think many of you will like it. And just a heads up, I am traveling this week so chapter four will probably not be up until the end of the week. I also hope to get that promised one shot up soon. It is almost finished (its appearing to be a lot longer then expected) so make sure to be on the look out for that.**

 **Enjoy!**

 _Chapter 3: Verso_

 _Christmas had never been a fun event as a child for Emma. Few foster homes included her in the festivities and finding a group home that had a decent holiday celebration was like striking gold. Lucky, but virtually impossible._

 _David had insisted Emma join him for the break. He and Mary Margaret lived in the same home town, so she would come, along with Killian. Killian had gone the previous year, for both Christmas and Easter, and then Thanksgiving that year, so it had become a tradition for the two to celebrate holidays together._

 _The crew rode up to David's place in his truck, with David and Killian in the front and Mary Margaret and Emma smushed in the back. They passed their time singing and laughing, recounting their time from the semester. The girls told stories about Mr. Gold, their speech professor, who absolutely hated everything and everyone. David and Killian shook their head, remembering their time as freshman._

 _Storybrooke, Maine was a small, quaint town, exactly as the others had described. When they first arrived, David dropped Mary-Margaret off at her step-mother's house, where she was to stay the break. Mary-Margaret described her relationship with the woman as strained. Her father had remarried when she was a twelve, so she never got close to her stepmother. Mary-Margaret's father passed when she was seventeen and left her alone with who the kids of town referred to as Miss Grimhilde due to her nasty attitude._

 _That left Emma with the boys to spend the break at David's house. David and Killian would share his room and give Emma the guest room. The house was much too big for just two people, David explained, and his mother loved having company over to fill the empty rooms._

 _One night, Emma found herself alone with Killian. David and Mary Margaret had gone out on a date at their favorite spot from high school and Ruth, David's mother, went to bed early, stating she was tired from the holiday festivities._

 _The two were wrapped up in blankets, some old movie playing on the screen. Emma sipped at her hot chocolate, laughing. "That did not happen." She insisted to Killian._

 _He smugly shook his head. "Dave's not as smooth as I am. I'm surprised the professor didn't bloody throw him out of the class than."_

" _Well, he made it to year two so he must be alright." Emma murmured._

" _Aye. Didn't even have to change his major."_

" _How's the whole marine engineering thing going for you?" She asked, a small smile on her lips._

" _Poke fun all you want, Swan, but one day I'll be as rich as a pirate."_

 _Emma sat quiet for a moment, before pondering. "Why do you call me Swan?"_

 _Killian seemed unphased by the question, taking a sip of his own tea. "I never thought much of it, love. You just seemed like a Swan. After all, it is your last name."_

" _Technically." Emma said under her breath._

 _Killian raised an eyebrow at her. "What's that, love?"_

 _Emma shook her head, whispering "nothing" before drinking her cocoa._

 _Killian wasn't buying it, though. "How long?" He asked._

" _How long what?"_

" _How long have you been an orphan?" He explained._

 _Emma ran a hand through her hair-her nervous habit. "That obvious?"_

 _Killian shook his head. "Takes one to know one. You've got the look in your eye."_

 _Emma straightened up and set her mug down, taken back by his words. "You?"_

" _In a matter of speaking, yes."_

 _Emma started to ask how, her mouth even forming the syllable, but he cut her off._

" _Mother died young, father walked out when I was ten. My brother was nine years older than me and he raised my after that."_

" _Was?" Emma picked up on his use of past tense._

" _Died in a car accident last year."_

" _I'm sorry."_

" _Thank you, lass. Now, what about your story?"_

 _Emma sighed. "I guess I was always an orphan. My parents abandoned me on the side of the road and I got placed into foster care immediately. The Swan's were my first family. They were gonna adopt me but then they got pregnant and sent me back. I bounced around from home to home until I turned eighteen and came here. I had to work my butt off in high school to make it this far. I have a fair amount of scholarship and I the amount of hours I was working as a teenager was probably borderline illegal, but I'm here."_

" _That you are." Killian said before he raised his mug. "To orphans?"_

 _Emma gave him a small smile, reaching for her mug. "To orphans."_

* * *

Emma walked into the park where she told Killian and Will to meet her. It was a Tuesday morning in between two of her classes so not that many children were running around the park. She dressed casually, blue skinny jeans and a green v-neck t-shirt.

Will, who had been sitting on a bench with Killian, stood up and walked over to Emma. "He's been in doctor appointments all week. They are making progress, but its kinda stressing him out."

"Progress?" Emma asked hopefully.

Will shoved his hands in his pockets and looked over to Killian briefly, as if he were caring for his child. "He doesn't remember anything substantial yet, but they think more might start coming in in a few weeks."

"Got it."

Sighing, Will lowered his voice. "Thanks for doing this, lass. I know it's a bit awkward."

Emma waved her hand. "It's fine. Come back for him in an hour, okay? I've got to get to class later."

Will nodded. "Call me if there's a problem."

"We'll be fine." Emma told him, but she was not sure if she was trying to reassure Will or herself. Will gave her a small nod goodbye and went of to his car. Emma motioned for Killian to follow her. He complied silently and walked with her to the playground, where she went to the swing-set and saw down on the swing. He hesitated, but eventually sat down on the swing next to her.

"You know these are for kids, right?" He asked her after a few moments of silent swinging.

"I'm aware." Emma pushed her feet at the ground. "We used to come here."

Killian hummed. "I thought it might have some type of sentimental value."

"How have you been?" Emma changed the subject.

With a shrug, he answered. "Fine, I suppose. A lot of doctors poking and prodding at you is not what one might consider fun, but apparently it must be done. They say I am making good physical progress and soon should start doing better mentally."

The whole medical process could not be easy for him. Certainly it was frustrating to not be in control and have no memories of who you were. Killian had been strong before the accident, but something like this was hard for anyone.

"So, Swan, why did you summon me here?" He cut right to the chase.

"I wanted to talk." She told him truthfully. "Like old times."

"This is hardly like old times." He countered.

"I know." She whispered.

Killian sighed, turning in his swing to see her better. "How did we meet?" He asked her and she smiled.

"School. You were a year above me and friends with David and I was friends with David's girlfriend. We met on moving day and-I don't know, I guess we clicked."

"We were close." He told her and Emma gave him a hopeful look, to which he shook his head. "Will showed me some pictures of my past. Almost everything of my college days included you."

"We were pretty inseparable."

"We ever date?" He asked.

Emma coughed in surprise. She knew it was an innocent question, him not knowing what the context of their relationship was, but it hit her like a ton of bricks. Memories of their last few fights flooded in, but she pushed them out of her head. "No." She answered simply.

He raised his eyebrow in question and before he could get a word in, Emma continued. "We never would have worked."

Instead of arguing, he asked "Why?"

"Uh" Emma breathed. "We were different people. Wanted different things." He didn't seem to buying any of it, so she added. "Plus you had a girlfriend."

"Aye, Milah." His voice sounded depleted.

"Has she been around to see you?"

Killian shook his head. "She hasn't come around since the accident. Will told me about her."

Emma thought it was weird that Milah had not gone to see her own boyfriend in the hospital. The two seemed to be doing well, from what Emma could tell. She had never loved Milah for Killian and now she had one more reason not to.

"Why don't you smile?" Killian's question pulled her out of her thoughts.

"What?"

"You don't smile now as much as you did in my pictures." He explained.

"Killian, there pictures. You're supposed to smile in them." She laughed off his question.

"I know." He stared at his feet. "You just-you should smile more, love. I like it when you smile."

Unsure of how to respond, Emma just flashed Killian a smile and started swinging a little more. He looked away from her, focusing on his own rhythm. After a few moments of silence she thought out loud "People thought we should date."

That got his attention. He raised his head up to look at her and gave a questioning look. "Really?"

Emma nodded. "We were best friends. You were the only person that got me. We did everything together while we were at college and of course our friends got some bright ideas. I mean, Mary Margaret is all about happy endings. She met her Prince Charming in high school and just wanted the same for everyone else. Everyone thought we liked each other though."

"Did we?" He asked.

"Like I said, you have a girlfriend." Emma answered the question in the safest way possible, without really answering it.

Because if she was honest, she had liked him. A Emma's life never really worked the way she wanted it too.

"Why are you telling me this?"

She shrugged. "I just want you to know that we were really close."

"Tell me a story about us." He requested.

Emma thought for a moment. "It was finals season during my first year. I was freaking out because I was going to school on a scholarship and I thought that I was capable of messing that all up during one exam." She laughed, remembering how nervous she was that she was going to blow her one shot at a real life. "Anyway, you practically dragged me out of my dorm room and made me go to the bar with you. Except, neither of us could drink because we were underage, so we went to this little, ran down, diner. We split onion rings and I got a hot chocolate and you got a coffee. And we talked for hours until the old lady running the diner kicked us out because it was past closing."

He let out a laugh. "Sounds accurate. How'd the finals go?"

"Aced them." She proudly stated. "But it became a tradition. We went to the diner every finals week to get a break from studying and enjoy the onion rings."

Killian smiled, before looking down at his feet and whispering. "I wish I could remember that."

"You will."

He looked up at her. "Are you just lying to make me feel better? Because Will told me that you weren't the optimist of the group. "

"I'm not." She breathed out, sight set straight ahead. "I'm the realist. But I'm telling the truth. You're gonna get your memory back."

"Than what?"

Honestly, Emma did not know what came after he remembered. But she could not think that far in advance. She could not worry about what would become of the two of them after he regained his memories. She just had to focus on getting him to that point.

"I don't know. I guess we cross that bridge when we get to it."

"Will told me that the two of us were not exactly in the best place before my accident."

Emma sucked in her breath. She had a suspicion Will had mentioned that-there had to be some type of explanation why the pictures or text messages stopped after a certain point. "Yeah. We hit a bit of a rough patch."

"What happened?"

Internally, she sighed in relief when she realized that Will had not said what happened. Chances were though, Will only knew part of the story and knowing that, did not want to tell Killian wrong information.

"That's a story for another day." She told him. "But maybe you'll get your memory back soon and then I won't have to tell you anymore stories."

"Aye, maybe." He hummed. "You'll still be there to help me after I remember, right?"

Emma hesitated to answer. "I guess that will be your choice."

"And if I choose yes?"

Emma smiled. "Then I'll be there."

"Good."

Emma remembered everything from the start of their friendship, but Killian's memories, once he got them back, would be slightly tainted. He would have his real memories and then everything he heard and went through after the accident.

As receptive as he was to her now, she was a stranger to him.

And he was essentially a stranger to her.

* * *

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	4. Rebound

**Every chapter I am absolutley blown away with the reception. You all are wonderful! Hope you enjoy this chapter. And if you are in need of some extra fluff, make sure to check out my new (long) one-shot, entitled Real. It is a personal favorite of mine.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _Chapter 4: Rebound_

 _One of the side effects of being an orphan in college was not having anywhere to go during the summer. And while she had amazing friends that let her crash at their place during breaks, there was no way she would put that on them for twelve weeks._

 _So, when Emma heard that Misthaven University had openings on summer crew, she jumped at the opportunity. Free food, a place to stay and a paycheck? Emma didn't have to think twice._

 _A bonus was Killian was also on summer crew-the whole orphan thing._

 _The Summer Crew was a small group, only seven unfortunate souls who either needed the money that they would earn over the summer or simply had nowhere else to go. The other girls on the crew were nice enough, but Emma preferred to stay with Killian when they were not working. Aurora was a sweetheart, but a polar opposite of Emma. Anna Arendelle got along with her great, but than again, Anna got along with everyone. She simply could not say anything bad about anyone, even if she tried. Emma got along with Anna's sister, Elsa, the best. Elsa was a junior in the Foreign Relations program and was wise beyond her years. By a few weeks in, she was like the sister Emma never had._

 _Killian, on the other hand, did not seem to have the greatest of company. There was a shy, freshman boy named William, but somehow he had acquired the nickname Smee during his freshman year. Smee was not one to assert himself, instead following Killian around while they were working, taking orders from the older student._

 _The last member was an overly confident, full of himself sophomore. He proudly stated that he was Robert Gold, political science major, son of a rich man, Peter Malcolm, who made his fortune selling beautifully crafted wind instruments. He did not associate with the other students, keeping to himself while they were not at work._

 _Emma did not get a true wind of Robert Gold until their second dinner._

 _She and Killian were going to the dish pit to put their dishes away when it happened. It was a simple thing really, not much to get riled up about, but it was the first time Emma started to see the true Gold._

" _Ah, look's like Jones has finally got himself a girl." A grim voice sneered. "Much prettier than the last woman interested in you. Who was that? Cora? Oh, no she was the Civics teacher. My mistake, dearie. I must say, this one is quite a bit younger though."_

" _Say one more thing about her and I'll punch you, you git." Killian did not look at him, instead he moved closer to Emma and they placed their plates down at the dish pit window._

" _So unlike you, Jones." Gold laughed again. "What happened to the fight in you? Have you gone soft? All for the lady I imagine."_

 _Killian turned around, remarkably calm, and took a step forward to Gold. " I told you not to mention her. This is between you and me, Gold. Leave her alone otherwise I'll make you wish you had."_

 _Gold, seeming unfazed, took a step back and straightened his shirt. "There's the Jones I remember." And with that, he stomped off to wreak havoc on someone else._

" _Killian-" Emma hesitated after a few moments, "what was that about?"_

" _I'm sorry about that, love." He apologized. "Guess I should have warned you about him."_

" _What is his issue?"_

 _Killian sighed as they walked out of the cafeteria. "He's had it out for me since day one, Swan. I got accepted into a program as a freshman and he believed the spot belonged to him. He said I stole what was rightfully his and he was going to make me regret ever stealing it in the first place. Truth be told, I think he is just plain mad. Quite the neurotic, that one."_

" _Seriously," Emma scoffed. "You got a position he wanted now he's out for blood?"_

 _Killian shrugged. "I assume there is something else. But he is a possessive man. I admit, my friendship with his ex has not helped anything. He seemed to blow up on me when he realized I was quite close with Belle."_

 _Stopping her movement of walking and holding out her hand for Killian to do the same, Emma asked him, stunned. "Belle was his girlfriend? How would she ever date a jerk like him?"_

" _He was different in the beginning, I suppose. Whatever they had worked for a while, but eventually Belle got tired of him manipulating her into doing his will. He wanted complete control of her. She broke up with him a few months before the end of her freshman year. I tried to be a good friend to her and Gold did not seem to like that very much."_

" _Ya think?" Emma resumed walking. "You do understand that he hates you because of the whole Belle thing right? You getting his position in the program is just a bonus."_

" _You think?"_

" _You're oblivious." She shook her head with a laugh._

" _Just stay away from him, okay love?" His request was serious._

" _I can take care of myself, Killian. I don't need you protecting me."_

" _I know, love. I just don't want you getting caught in the crossfire. You don't need him on your bad side."_

" _Thanks for your concern, Killian." She said. "But I'll be fine. Besides, I know a thing of two about how to deal with insane guys."_

" _Are you trying to insinuate something, love?" He teased._

" _Not you, but if you keep it up-"She warned._

 _His hands shot up defensively. "I surrender darling."_

" _Good. A smart man knows when to admit defeat."_

" _So," He turned somber again in an effort to redirect the conversation. "Who is the insane one?"_

 _She let out a huff. "Just some guys from high school, okay? Maybe one or two from college."_

 _He did not buy it. "I know you, Swan. I know when something is bothering you. You know you can tell me anything, right?"_

" _I know." She answered, truthfully. She did not, but the whole Neal story was not something she went around broadcasting to the world. "I'll tell you one day, okay? But not now. I'm tired and you promised me ice cream."_

" _Aye," He smiled. "And it would be bad form to break a promise to the lady."_

* * *

Rushed was a good word to explain Emma's week. With graduation getting closer and closer, classes were getting harder and harder, with now the added pressure of making plans for after school finished. Emma had a few ideas lined up, but it was still too early to tell if anything was going to work.

It was Tuesday night and she was preparing her bag for the next day. Her Wednesday schedule had three classes, pretty evenly spread out across the day, with her last class ending at two. After that, Robin had invited her to Killian's physical therapy session, adding in that the trio could go get dinner somewhere off campus afterwards. Robin insisted that Emma should have sometime of knowledge of how the process worked just incase there were a few weeks in the future that either he or Will could not make it with him and Emma had to attend instead.

Her phone started ringing and Emma made her way through the clutter of her dorm room to find it and answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Em-" The voice slurred. "Long time no talk."

Emma sighed. "You're drunk, Neal."

"What makes ya say that, babe?"

"It's eleven on a Tuesday night. Why are you drunk?" She ignored his question. "More importantly, why are you calling me?"

"Aw, come on, Em. I've missed ya! Ya can't tell me ya never think of me!"

"No, Neal," Her voice was serious. "I can. It's been six years. Stop calling me, got it?

"Aw, come on, Ems, don't be so ha-"

She hung up, not caring what else he had to say. Neal did not call to often anymore, once in a blue moon when he was too drunk to actually know what he was doing. It had happened more in the beginning, but slowly dwindled as the time passed.

Neal had been her high school boyfriend. He was two years older than her, with more street smarts than her. He failed a grade, however, putting him only one grade level above her. She was a junior, desperate to get out of the system, and he was a senior, living for some fun. They got themselves into some trouble, nothing major at the beginning, some shoplifting here, some trespassing there. She never did much to help with it though-feeling to guilty-so most days she jsut stood watch or just listened to his adventures the day after they happened. He convinced her that all the kids did it- that it would be her first real taste of freedom.

Turns out, however, he had been playing her the entire time. He never loved her, just needed someone to be his partner. Emma found him, one night, making out with Tamara Green. Neal, not embarrassed in the slightest, let Emma know that he had never cared for her, that no one would. Her plight in life was to be an orphan, not to be loved. He needed someone to help him shoplift, not to keep him warm at night.

It was bad enough that Neal cheated on her, but of course he did not stop there. He set her up to take the fall for his crimes. He alerted both the local authorities and Child protective services that little Miss Emma Swan had been the one responsible for shoplifting that the pharmacy two weeks prior. All that to say, Emma was relocated to a new placement yet again, where she served her court mandated community service-all while Neal got off clean.

But story of her life, right? Be screwed over by someone and pay for their sins.

It was about time she learned that the circle was inevitable.

Mary-Margaret abruptly walked into the room, returning from some student leadership meeting she had gone to. "Hey Em-, Emma are you alright?"

Emma placed her phone down and then ran a hand through her hair. "Neal called drunk. No biggie."

"Emma you've got to block him-or get a new number or something. That's just ridiculous."

She waved a hand at her friend. "I told you, it's not a big deal. A drunken ex is the least of my worries. I can take care of it." Emma said. _I have too._

Emma remembered the last thing Neal said to her before she got into that van to be taken to her new home.

" _You deserve this. Everything that happens to you, that has happened to you, you deserve. You brought this upon yourself."_

"Emma-"

"Mary-Margaret, it's fine, okay? He won't call again until next year."

"Okay, if you say so. I just want to make sure you're fine."

"I'm fine."

If Mary Margaret could tell that it was a lie, she did not say anything

* * *

"Sorry I'm late." Emma rushed to where Robin was standing. They were up on a balcony above what was the physical therapy room, where Killian was sitting at a table with a therapist. "Class let out late."

"I figured. It's alright, lass. He met with the doctor this morning and they did some more memory work. Now they are working on his arm strength." Robin explained.

"How's he doing?"

"Arm's getting better. He got fitted for a prosthetic on Monday and it should be coming in shortly."

"Good."

Robin hummed. "He mentioned Marian yesterday."

That caught Emma's attention. "Really?" Marian had been Robin's girlfriend during his freshman year. They broke up in April of that year, mutually deciding they were better off as friends. Robin later moved on with Regina and Marian moved on as well.

"It was so casual." Robin said. "I went to his apartment yesterday to have dinner with him and Will and he just started talking about her."

"Did you mention Marian at all to him?"

"Never. She was not even in any of the pictures Will showed him."

"That's good than."

"Aye, it is. He's starting to get there."

* * *

They decided on Granny's that night for dinner. Emma found it a bit awkward to be hanging out with both Robin and Killian again, but it reminded her of old times. Better times.

When Robin excused himself to use the restroom, Killian asked. "So, this is the infamous Granny's? The one you told me about?"

"Yeah. It is."

"I thought it was our place?"

Emma smiled at the innocence of his question. "Well, it was our special place, but we brought our friends along every now and then. Couldn't keep the magic of Granny's to ourselves, now could we?"

"No, I suppose not Swan."

"How did you remember that you always called me Swan?" She asked him.

"I didn't." Killian shrugged. "It just felt natural so I called you it. I did not realize it was something I used to do."

"You did." Emma told him. "I don't think you even know what my first name is with how much you call me Swan." She laughed.

"Why, it's Emma of course. How could I forget a name like that?"

Robin came back and they ordered their food. The rest of the night went off without a hitch. Robin and Emma talked about how school was going and Killian intently listened to their stories. The more the night went on, the more at peace she Emma was honest with herself, it felt like nothing had changed.

Only a lot had changed, but she could ignore that for a few more hours.

* * *

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	5. Rewound

**Sorry for the delay with this chapter. Life has been crazy. I hope it was worth the wait though.**

 **And for those who have been asking, Milah will make an actual appearance in the story-not in this chapter, but very soon.**

 **Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

 _Chapter 5: Rewound_

" _Never have I ever been on TV"_

 _Ruby groaned. "Mary-Margaret, you're supposed to pick good ones. Like 'Never have I ever made out with a stranger' or something like that."_

 _Emma, Ruby, Mary-Margaret, David, Killian, Robin and Will had all decided to celebrate a new year of school with bonfire in the one of the local parks, Little did any of them know it would turn into a night of games such as Never have I ever and truth or dare._

 _But than again, Ruby was there._

" _Well, I'm sorry I am trying to keep this appropriate!" The petite brunette countered._

" _What fun is that?"_

 _Emma felt her phone vibrating in her pocket and pulled it out to see who was calling her. It was an unknown number, from somewhere in Minnesota. "I'll be right back guys. I've got to take this."_

 _Emma had spent some of her high school years in Minnesota while in the foster system. She did not have fond memories of her times there, but they certainly were not the worst._

" _Hello." She said when she was far enough from the group that they could not hear her._

" _Ems! How the heck are ya?"_

" _I'm sorry, who is this?"_

" _Why, it's Neal, you're boyfriend! I wanted to see how college life was treating ya! I'm loving it."_

 _Emma's attitude turned bitter. "Oh you mean you finally graduated? You should have told me! I would have loved to give you a graduation present. A punch to the face sounds fitting."_

" _Oh, don't be so harsh, Em."_

" _Goodbye, Neal." Emma hung up the phone without even bothering to let him say anything else. She stood still after that, wrapping her jacket a bit tighter around her. Neal had been her high school boyfriend and a jerk of one. He screwed up her life once it was finally going well for once. It took Emma a while to get over him, but once she did, she saw how awful he really was for her._

" _Swan, are you alright?" A voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She turned around to see Killian behind her. It had been a few minutes since she had left the group and he had probably volunteered to see if everything was alright._

" _Yeah, fine. Let's get back."_

" _No, wait." He held up his hand to stop her. "Tell me what's going on. I know when something's bothering you."_

" _It's just-my ex. He called and he was a real jerk back when we dated."_

" _The man must have been a real fool to lose you."_

 _Emma felt a blush rise on her cheeks, but blamed it on the cold night air._

" _Swan, what happened with him?" Killian asked cautiously._

" _It was nothing."_

" _No," He moved towards her. "It wasn't. Swan, I understand if you don't want to tell me, but I'm your best friend. I'm not going anywhere. You can tell me anything."_

 _She sighed. "He cheated on me. Than set me up to take the fall for his crimes and got me sent back into the foster system."_

" _Bloody idiot." Killian raised his voice. "If I ever meet him I'll kill him!"_

" _No, you won't."_

" _You're right, Swan." He lowered his voice back to speaking level. "You should have the honors."_

" _Killian, it was a few years ago now. I'm over him. Sure, what he did hurts and sucks and stuff and I would love to have a shot at him, but it's over."_

" _You sure you're alright, Swan?"_

 _Emma wasted no time in wrapping herself around him in a hug. "Yes. Thank you."_

 _She leaned back to see a toothy grin on his face. "Of course, Swan." She removed herself from his embrace and they started walking over to the group, when he leaned over to her and whispered, "Besides, love, look at it this way. We all have our fair share of lousy ex's. It just means we are one step closer to our happy ending."_

" _Yeah." She hummed. "I guess you're right."_

* * *

Emma, Will and Robin worked out a pretty good routine of helping Killian. She was almost certain that he was starting to feel like it was more like babysitting and less like his friends trying to help him, but he did not complain (too much). Killian still had not returned to work, due to the heavy amount of work the doctors were still doing with him. His job, thankfully, was being flexible, and was willing to work through the transition with him so that he did not lose the job. Apparently, he had been a hard working and valuable employee before the accident and they did not want to lose that.

Killian was making more and more progress everyday, more of it being physical. The doctors were not one hundred percent sure if his memory would come in all at once or in fragments as it had been doing, but they had faith he would make a full recovery.

March had just turned into April and the hard part of the semester was upon them. Emma knew that after Spring Break, the work got more intense, especially since this was her senior year. With the added stress of Killian's accident, happening just a week and a half after break ended, Emma knew that it would be a hard few weeks until graduation. Will tried to work around Robin and Emma's schedules, making sure that they could spend time with Killian during periods in which they were not swamped with work.

With Killian's leave of work, he had more free time than the rest of the bunch. Today, he was going to visit Emma at school. It was thought to be a good idea, both fitting well into Emma's class schedule and letting him see another familiar place.

Emma ran quickly into the dining hall, grabbing her lunch and seeing Killian already settled at a table, eating his food.

"Sorry, I'm late." She apologized as she as she sat down. "Ruby needed help with something so I had to run back to the dorm after class."

He hummed as he took another bite of his pasta. "Ruby's the tall one, right? Long dark hair?"

Emma nodded. "Yeah, We've been roommates since we were freshman."

"Aye." He said. One of the hardest parts for him, along with constantly having to rely on someone else and feel somewhat like an invalid, was not knowing who anyone was. It was frustrating when someone would tell him a story, hoping it would jog his memory, but he could not even remember who the people they were discussing were. "And the other girls you live with are?"

"Mary-Margaret and Regina. Regina moved in with us this year because our old suite mate, Aurora, is studying abroad for the year."

"And Mary-Margaret's boyfriend is the bloke you likes to give me a hard time about losing to him in pool once, correct?"

"Yes." She smiled. "It was the one time he was actually able to win. David sucks at pool."

"I think the bloody mate is just using my memory loss against me." Killian grumbled and took a sip of his water.

"That sounds like him too." Emma laughed. "Will tells me you went over to your office the other day?" Killian had gotten a good job at the local maritime in Boston right after graduating. He had done an internship with them during his junior year and must have really charmed them, because they offered him a job the following year.

"Aye. They showed me around, told me what I do. Once I am completely done with physical therapy my boss said he will see to it that I am retrained and we will go from there."

"That's good."

Killian pushed the food around on his plate, his mind somewhere else. He looked up to Emma and asked. "How long have I been with Milah?"

"Nine months, maybe? Why?" She asked. As of the last time they discussed the matter, Milah had not contacted him.

"She stopped by my apartment yesterday."

"How was it?" Emma hesitated. She wanted to keep a neutral tone. Emma definitely was not Milah's biggest fan, but Killian did not need to know that.

Killian shrugged. "She seemed strange. Not the type of lass I would ever go for."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't put my finger on it, but something was-off. Not that I have anything to go off of, but she did not seem to be the nicest."

"She said she was in the neighborhood and wanted to drop by and say hi." He stated casually.

"Did she say anything else?"

"Not really, love. She just came in, we had some small talk, and she left. I asked her if she would like to get coffee tonight to catch up, but she said she has work."

 _Work?_ Milah never worked nights, not anymore. She worked a few when she was working at the hospital before she and Killian started dating, but she got a day job a few months after they started their relationship and had not worked a night shift since.

"Really? Huh." Emma shrugged. Something was up with Milah, but there was no need to worry him until she knew for certain what was going on.

"So, Swan how's school?"

She sighed and talked his ear off for the rest of lunch.

* * *

"Hey, Emma do you have any Tylenol?" Mary-Margaret walked into Emma's room one night as she was doing homework. "I've got a killer headache and forgot to stock up last time we made a Walmart run."

Emma looked up from her spot at her desk. "Yeah. Nightstand. First shelf."

"Thank you!" Her friend let out a relieved sigh. Emma heard her rustling through the drawer to find the medicine and returned her attention to the book in front of her.

"Emma," Mary-Margaret asked in confusion, "what's this?"

"What's what?" Emma questioned as she turned around to see Mary-Margaret holding a different pill bottle up.

"Since when did you take sleeping pills?" Mary Margaret walked over to her.

"I can't sleep sometimes." Emma shrugged it off like it was no big deal. "I keep some in the dorm in case I need help getting to sleep. No big deal."

"Emma, the bottle is almost empty and it looks fairly new." Mary-Margaret pointed out. "Where did you even get this?"

"It's over the counter." Emma turned back to her studying.

"Emma, you've always been out like a light. Since when did you need these?" She demanded an answer.

"I told you," Emma tried to hide the frustration in her voice. "I can't sleep sometimes, okay?" Emma stood up quickly and tried to grab the bottle but Mary-Margaret was quicker.

"No, you're lying. I can tell. Somethings up with you."

"Nothing's up!" Emma defended.

Mary Margaret took a step back and looked like she was in thought. "You don't come out with us as much anymore."

"I've got a lot of homework, M." She sighed. "And I'm trying to help Killian. But I still hang out with you all. We all just went out last night."

"Emma, are you sure this is all not too much for you? I get that you are trying to do the right thing with Killian, but is it stressing you out?" Concern flooded Mary-Margaret's voice.

Emma shook her head. "It's fine. I can handle it all, I promise."

"You would tell me if there was something going on, right?"

"Of course." She reassured her.

"Okay," Mary-Margaret did not sound convinced, but she obviously saw that fighting with Emma was getting her nowhere. "Thanks for the Tylenol. You're a lifesaver."

"That's what I'm here for." She laughed.

"Yeah, well I should probably leave you to it. I have a huge stack of my own homework that needs to get done."

"Have fun." Emma told her sarcastically as she returned to her seat at her desk.

Mary Margaret set the bottle of pills down on the nightstand and made her way to the door. "And Emma?"

"Yeah, M?"

"I love you. We all do. Just don't forget that, okay?"

* * *

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	6. Invert

**New chapter! You all are getting smart and reading my mind or something. It's creepy. Anyway enjoy this chapter. Also, we are pretty close to 50 reviews. I'll respond to the 50th review in the following chapter!**

 **IMPORTANT: The last section is a bit darker, but pretty vague. It will seem out of place, but I will follow up with it in the next few chapters. It is a very important part of the plot. If it is not one hundred percent clear, that is okay-it will all be revealed soon. But just beware if you are uncomfortable with darker thoughts.**

* * *

 _Chapter 6:Invert_

 _Another school year had come and gone and Emma found herself on summer crew once again. It her second time around, but her last with Killian. He was entering his Senior year and would be graduating that May, meaning he would be forced to find a place to live and a job, possibly somewhere away from Emma and the rest of the group._

 _Emma pushed that thought out of her head. She still had close to a year before he had to make any real decisions. Plus, Killian would never leave her, not really. He would always be her best friend and keep in contact, even if his future took him somewhere else._

 _Their summer group had not changed to much. Elsa graduated that May so she had left to pursue a career. Anna and Aurora still worked summer crew, along with a new girl named Gwen. Her boyfriend Arthur joined them. Smee still worked summer crew, following Killian around just as much as he had done the previous summer. The biggest plus, however, was the fact that Robert Gold had received (bought) an internship for that summer and would not be joining them on the college campus that summer._

 _One day, while Emma and Killian, along with Smee and Gwen, were cleaning inside the main building, a tall dark haired girl walked by and greeted Killian, "Hello Mr. Jones,"_

 _He gave her a nod as she walked past them, strutting the halls in tall heels and a white lab jacket._

" _Who's that?" Emma asked when the women was gone._

" _Oh her?" Killian resumed scrubbing the walls. "Her name's Milah. She's working in the nurse's office for a few weeks while Ms. Page is recovering from surgery. She graduated a year or two ago."_

" _And how do you know all this?" Emma eyed him._

 _He shrugged casually. "Met her the other day when Smee hurt his arm and requested I go to the nurse's office with him. Bloody bloke."_

" _You like her." Emma stated, staring at the sponge in her hand instead of Killian._

" _Lass, I don't know her."_

" _But you wish you did."_

 _He let out a small laugh and turned to her. "Has Mary-Margaret taken over your body? Since when did you become so involved in my romantic life?"_

" _Maybe I just want my best friend to be happy."_

" _I am happy, love." He reassured her. "I've got my best friend, I'm graduating this year, some good friends. What else does a man need?"_

" _A girlfriend?" She offered lightly._

" _Are you applying for the position, Swan?" He teases._

" _Stop." She pushed his lightly, careful to not get herself wet with the soapy water. "You know what I mean."_

" _I know, lass. But I'm perfectly content right now. I'll admit, Milah is a beautiful lass but I highly doubt she'd want anything to do with a college student."_

" _Oh, so you have thought about it?"_

" _Swan, you're impossible." He laughed loudly. Gwen gave them a harsh look and they quickly returned to their work._

" _Do you like her?" Emma lowered her voice._

" _Love, I don't even know her. I spent twenty minutes with her and the majority of it she was with Smee."_

" _Why didn't she say hi to Smee than?"_

 _He sighed. "Love, she's working here for a few more weeks. I'm not getting my hopes up on something that I know won't last."_

" _No," Emma corrected him. "You just don't want to get hurt."_

 _Killian bit his tongue and Emma could not tell if he was frustrated or holding back some comment. She knew she was a bit out of line with that last point. She was the last person who should talk about being scared of getting hurt._

" _Lass, I've got to focus on my senior year. You know that. Plus, I only have room for one woman in my life."_

 _She let out a loud chuckle, earning her another sneer from Gwen. She leaned over to Killian and whispered, "You better believe it, mister."_

* * *

Holding the crumpled map in her hand, Emma realized how directionally challenged she really was. Robin had printed the map out for her and pointed out where she was supposed to go, even offering to take her there, but Emma insisted that she could figure it out. The destination could not be that hard to figure out-it was just on the other side of town. But never staying in one spot for more than a few months did not help Emma's sense of direction. She was never able to get used to one area, thus her current problem of not knowing her way around town, even after going to school here for almost four years.

It had taken her an extra ten minutes, but she finally found the right apartment complex and made her way up the stairs to the third floor, where Milah lived. Emma had never been to Milah's place-she never had had a reason to, but now she did. Something was clearly up and Emma owed it to Killian to figure it out. Milah could easily play him due to his lack of memories of their relationship, but Emma would not let that stand.

It was seven at night on a Thursday and Emma assumed that Milah would be home, unless she had another "night shift". Shoving the map in her back pocket, Emma knocked on the door. She heard the scuffling of feet from the other side and a few seconds the door opened, Milah on the other side dressed in jeans and a tshirt that was a a size or two too big for her. Her hair was thrown up in a ponytail, strands falling out and laying on her face.

"Emma," Her voice was a mixture of shock and nervousness. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk. Could I come in or do you want to do this in the hallway?" There was a bit of a bite to Emma's voice to show that she meant business.

"Now's really not a good time." Milah rushed, trying to close the door. Emma leaned over to see what she was hiding. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a man-Gold.

"What's he doing here?"

Milah sighed, and let the door swing open a bit. "It's not what it looks like."

"Well, what exactly does it look like, Milah?" Emma asked harshly, even though they all knew the answer.

When Milah did not answer, Emma said, "I think we should be having that talk, don't you?" She did not wait for a response from Milah, instead moving into the apartment and standing in the living room. Milah closed the door and turned around, "Bobbie why don't you give us some privacy?"

Gold gave Emma a dirty look before complying, exiting into one of the rooms.

"How long?" Emma whispered.

"Emma-"

"How long?" Her voice demanded louder this time.

"Three weeks." Milah told her and it sounded more like a question.

"Three weeks!" Emma yelled. "His accident was barely a month ago. You didn't even have the common decency to wait two weeks before you started cheating on him!"

"Cheating is a loaded word." Milah defended.

"Yeah, well, cheating is also a loaded act."

"He's a vegetable, Emma!" Milah fought. "He doesn't remember me or you or even himself and there is no guarantee that he will."

Emma felt her blood boil but fought to remain under control. "He does remember things. But you would know that if you actually bothered to come and see him instead of sneaking around behind his back."

"Oh, please. He only wants to see you."

"I was a familiar face." Emma explained. "Robin and Will and the doctors thought-"

"He loves you, Emma. Open your eyes."

Emma stood still for a moment, staring at the yelling brunette in front of her. "He loves you."

"He'll always have something special with you. Something that I will never have with him."

"So, that excuses you?" Emma ignored what Milah had just said.

"I wasn't happy." Milah bit out. "So I changed my situation."

"By cheating on your boyfriend of almost a year?"

Milah waved a hand at Emma. "Things were never going anywhere between us. I'm three years older than him. I just needed something in the interim before I got what I wanted."

"And Gold's what you want?"

"Maybe." Milah shrugged.

"So, what, you were just using Killian as a play toy until you could move up on the ladder?"

"I never meant to hurt him, Emma." Milah said and Emma could tell there was a least a shred of truth to her words. "I did care about him. But things would have never worked out between us."

"You should have been honest with him." Emma stated quietly.

"I should have." Milah agreed. "But I wasn't. That's why I haven't been going to see him."

"You could have just lied and said you broke up before the accident."

Milah shook her head. "And when his memory comes back?"

"When his memory comes back he's going to be wondering why you never came to see him. You have a problem either way."

"You won't tell him, will you?" Her voice sounded desperate.

Emma gritted her teeth. Killian deserved to know the truth, but was he ready for it? He was still missing a large portion of his memory. "You have two weeks to tell him." The words were out of her mouth before she could convince herself otherwise. "Two weeks to figure out how you're going to make this better and end things with him."

"And at the end of the two weeks?"

"At the end of the two weeks I tell him." Emma walked past Milah towards the door. "But you better hope his memory doesn't come back before than, otherwise you'll have a lot more explaining to do." With that she let herself out and slammed the door.

* * *

The sun was just starting to set and Emma found herself in the middle of the woods on one of the local walking trails. She just needed some time to think-to be alone and really think for the first time in weeks. If she was honest, she wasn't sure if she was walking to think or to forget, but it often served both purposes.

Emma felt trapped. No matter what she did, she couldn't move. Her heart constantly felt restless, like it was trying to find something. Her brain felt like it was trying to remember something that she never even knew.

She felt empty.

That's what scared her. The emptiness. The not caring. She couldn't muster in her any ounce of had been sad before-hadn't everyone-but this was an all new feeling. She had been able to push it down for the most part while distracting herself with school and helping Killian. But some days, more and more it seemed, she was trapped inside her mind. She was helpless to the despair and enslaved to the emptiness.

Her head pounded as she thought of everything going on-school, her friends, Killian, Milah, herself-it was all too much. And despite the large amount of pressure and craziness, she felt strange-almost nothing.

Killian couldn't remember anything, but apparently he loved her.

But no one could really love her.

Milah cheated on Killian because she was looking for something better.

And the weight of the secret was now on Emma's shoulders.

In less than two months she graduated and life got real.

She had no plans for the future-she was just some foster kid who had gotten a big break at college. But now she had no job, no income, no money and no place to live.

And something was wrong.

Emma could feel it inside of her-something foreign. Something that kept her up at night and terrified her during the day. It was the same something that she pushed down, buried with the school work and with helping everyone else.

Everyone but herself.

Why this was all exploding now, Emma could not answer. There were many nights, at two or three in the morning, she would lay awake after not being able to sleep, that she would think similar thoughts about the pressure and the emptiness, but why was it coming to rouse now?

Because she couldn't fix this.

Emma wanted to fix everything. It was who she was. She wanted to fix Killian, to help him get his memory back. She wanted to fix his relationship with Milah and thereafter his broken heart.

She wanted to fix herself. To stop feeling nothing, to stop juggling the pressure as an attempt to not drown in it all. To stop hiding the demons that had been living with her since she was in the foster system and finally confront them.

But maybe some things were never meant to be fixed.

* * *

 _ **Reviews please?**_


	7. Void Spaces

**Guess, filming has officially started. Now to obsess over spoiler pictures, right?**

 **It's all part of surviving the hiatus.**

 **Also IMPORTANT: This chapter, once again, is a bit darker and does not have a lot to do with Killian (except the flashback) but more on Emma and what is going on with her. It continues right after the last part of chapter six. There is mentions of mental illnesses. Mental illnesses are an important and sensitive topic and I strived to write this chapter well and honor that. In no way did I want this chapter to be offensive, instead talk about how strong those who deal with mental illnesses are. Every single person reading this is beautiful and amazing and strong and wonderful. I love you all.**

* * *

 _Chapter 7: Void Spaces_

" _Congratulations!"_

" _We are so proud of you guys!" Mary Margaret said from her spot, tucked under David's arm awkwardly, the blue fabric of his robe over her shoulders._

" _Oi, stop it lass!" Will insisted. "You'll make me blush."_

" _Hush up, Scarlet." Killian piped in. "Today is a day to be celebrated."_

" _Who would've thought we three fools would have graduated college?" Will sighed dramatically._

 _Killian rolled his eyes over at Emma. "We all knew Dave and I would. You were the one we were nervous about."_

" _Be nice, boys." Emma said, laughing a bit._

" _Four years," David recounted. "Four years, man."_

" _I know." Killian agreed. The group was standing outside the football stadium, where the graduation had taken place. A crowd of people were around them, taking pictures with their graduates and gushing over the day._

 _Ruth, David's mother, came up to him and requested some pictures. He and Mary-Margaret went off with the older woman to a more secluded area so she could get some pictures of her son._

" _When are those two finally going to tie the knot?" Will asked once they were gone. "They already act like a married couple. Been together for years, those two."_

" _I think Dave would have proposed by now if it weren't for the fact that they are going to be seperated for almost a year." Killian said._

" _Wait, what?" Emma asked. Last she had heard, David had not made any decisions for what he would be doing after graduation._

" _He accepted the sheriff position up in Storybrooke." Killian explained. "The old sheriff had a heart attack and they would like Dave to replace him."_

" _And Mary-Margaret is down here for a year." Emma let out a sigh. "How are Snow White and Prince Charming going to survive a year without each other?"_

" _I think the real question is," Will piped in with his sarcastic voice, "how are we going to survive?"_

" _They'll be fine," Killian reassured her, ignoring Will's comment. "You know those two, nothing could separate them."_

" _So, what about you?" She changed the subject._

" _What about me, Swan?"_

" _Where are you going now that you are done with school?"_

 _He hummed. "I've accepted a job. It's a good one, within my field. Pays well, too. Will got a job around the same area so we are going to get an apartment together-as long as he promises to behave."_

" _We already signed the lease, mate. There is no escaping me now!" Will informed them._

" _Where?" Emma knew a few of his different options, most of them further down south along the coast. He had also considered pursuing his masters degree, but decided against it for money's sake._

" _Here. Just a few miles away. Thirty minutes away from the university tops."_

" _You're staying?"_

" _Aye." By the look in his eye, she knew there was more he was holding back, mostly because Will was with them. He wanted to reassure her that he would not leave her, that he would always be her best friend even if they were on opposite sides of the country._

" _I'm staying too, Emma!" Will spoke again. "I know you would miss me more than this bloke, so I had to stay too."_

 _They all laughed._

* * *

Emma got back to the dorm later than thought she would. It was almost ten when she sneaked back in quietly, full intent on falling right into bed and forgetting the events of the day. However, when she quietly closed the door of her room, she turned around to see Mary-Margaret and Ruby sitting on the former's bed, waiting up for her.

"Where were you?" Mary-Margaret asked, voice serious.

"Out." Emma said slowly, and went to set her bag down on her side of the room.

"You missed dinner, Em." Ruby let her know. "We said we would have dinner at Granny's tonight."

Emma groaned. The suite mates had all decided they would have a mid-week girls' night to get their minds off of school. "I'm sorry, guys I completely forgot."

"Clearly." Ruby muttered under her breath.

Mary-Margaret glared at her and then turned back to Emma. "This isn't like you."

"I missed one thing." Emma ran a hand through her hair. She was leaning against the wall to see the other girls, trying to keep her voice down for the other girls in the hall that were sleeping or studying. "I've been busy and I must have forgot to put it on my calendar."

"Busy, huh?" Mary-Margaret did not sound like she was buying it. "Busy and not sleeping. Emma, what's going on?"

At that, Ruby's ears perked up. "What do you mean not sleeping?"

"Mary-Margaret-" Emma warned, but the petite woman ignored her protests.

"Emma's been taking sleeping pills. Says she can't sleep."

"Emma!" Ruby stood. "Those can be dangerous. Why would you take those? The Emma I knew was always out like a light."

Gritting her teeth, Emma stayed silent. Ruby continued in a demanding tone. "Where did you get these? Some doctor prescribe them or you steal them?"

"They're over the counter, Ruby, knock it off." Emma bit at her.

"Why do you need these?" She persisted.

"I can't sleep." Emma felt like a broken record, hands on hips, closer to the center of the room than when they started this interrogation.

"Why, Emma? Why can't you sleep?"

"I don't know!" Emma yelled, then remembered where they were and lowered her voice. " I don't know."

Mary-Margaret, who was still sitting, sighed. "Emma, what is going on? Something is up, I can tell."

"I already told you, I've been really busy." A groan escaped her lips.

"No. That's not it. Something has been wrong for a while."

"Are you trying to insinuate something, Mary-Margaret?" She sneered.

"Is it school? Is it the stress? Killian? What is it Emma?"

"It's not him!" She insisted, raising her hands to prove her point. "He didn't do anything. I was messed up before he walked into my life and I was messed up after we walked out of it. And before you ask, helping him is not creating this. I like helping him and you know that. As for school, I do what I have to do. The work is no more stressful than any other semester."

"Emma, there are people you can talk to about all of this?" Ruby said softly. "People besides us. The university offers free counseling services."

"No."

"Emma-"

"No!"

"Why-"

"I don't want to be a statistic, okay!" She confessed in a yell.

"What?" Ruby questioned.

Emma sighed and sat down on her bed, resting her elbows on her knees. "I don't want to be another foster kid that ends up with a psychological disorder because of my upbringing. My entire life I heard that I had higher chances of depression and eating disorders and PTSD and even suicide. I don't want to fulfill what they always told me."

"We never said you were sick, Emma." Ruby said.

Mary-Margaret look up at her. "You think you're sick, don't you?"

"Mary-Margaret!" Ruby scolded.

"I know you, Emma. You wouldn't be so resistant against going if you thought nothing was wrong. Is that it? You're scared of what they'll tell you?"

"Am I scared that they'll tell me something I am almost positive is true? Terrified. I didn't want this. I became what all the caseworkers and abusive parents and mean girls told me I would become."

"Emma, this is not your fault." Mary Margaret moved to sit on Emma's bed. "And there is nothing wrong with it. People have mental illnesses. And people get colds and cancer and heart diseases. It's a disease, Emma and it's real. You're not crazy and it's not your fault."

"Emma, a lot of people struggle with this." Ruby added. "My best friend in high school had terrible anxiety. Some days it ate her up alive. But Meghan was an amazing person and she didn't let the anxiety define her."

"My cousin Mark has ADHD. It makes school really hard for him, but he's a fighter." Mary Margaret said. "He's one of the hardest workers I know."

"It's different though." Emma insisted. "My entire life I was just a foster kid. And than I get out of the system and I thought I was fine. But I knew from the beginning I wasn't. I knew when I was seventeen that something was really wrong but I didn't want to let them be right. I still don't want to let them be right."

"But, Emma" Mary Margaret's voice was soft and full of concern. "By not getting the help you may need, you are letting them control you."

"And who cares what those statistics say." Ruby stood in front of her. "Who cares? Certain groups are more prone to mental illnesses. Okay, so what? It's just a scientific study, Emma. It doesn't know you and it does not know how strong you are and how you are stronger than the disease. You are a fighter, Ems. You always have been. You go, you get help and you prove them wrong. You are more than some stupid statistic."

Emma laughed quietly to herself, a few tears running down her face. "We don't even know if there is anything wrong. This is all completely speculation."

"Why don't you go find out?" Ruby offered. "Either way we love you and will support you. We just want you to be happy, Emma."

"Thank you." She whispered. "Thank you for caring."

"Oh honey," Mary-Margaret draped an arm around her. "Of course we care. We love you."

"Ems, you always try to do whatever you can to help us. It's who you are. You are constantly trying to do whatever you can to help anyone. Let us do this for you. Let us do this with you. Don't shut us out please."

Emma gave her a small smile of had no words. Maybe getting help would not be the worst thing. Secretly, she had considered seeking help in her darker moments, but often pushed the thought out of her head out of fear. Out of fear of becoming a statistic, of becoming what they always thought she would be. Fear of being weak and having to accept help. Emma was independent-she did not know any other way of functioning. From the time she was a little girl, she knew that the only person she could rely on was herself. She had to take care of Emma. She had to make sure Emma did not get hurt. Letting someone come in and try and help her was foreign to her.

"Why don't I make us some hot chocolate and we can watch Princess Bride on my laptop until we all fall asleep on the floor?" Mary-Margaret offered.

Emma sniffled. "Sounds great."

Her friend stood, but first enveloped her in a hug and whispered in her ear. "You are strong, Emma. Don't for one second believe anything different."

She nodded. It would not be easy-nothing ever was, but maybe it was possible. For years she told herself she could never get better, but now there was a glimpse of hope. Maybe she could finally start healing.

After all, hope was a very powerful thing.

* * *

 _ **Reviews?**_


	8. Absence Behind

**I don't know how this chapter happened. It wrote itself (e.i. the last part) and was way longer than I intended.**

 **But at least this chapter is a day early. Next week's chapter will probably be early too, so make sure you watch out for it.**

 **And shout out to Ness Fan 01 for being the 50th review. You're comments have been so encouraging to read and your dedication to this story means more to me then I could ever express. Thank you!**

 **Now, chapter time.**

* * *

 _Chapter 8: Absence Behind_

 _Emma felt lonely. This was her first time working summer crew without Killian working alongside her. Of course, he was still in town, getting ready to start his new job in a few weeks, but it was different. She did not see him every day like she had for the past three years and that was an adjustment._

 _She was the pro of summer crew and spent her first few days showing some of the newcomers the ropes. Gwen and Arthur kept to themselves, leaving Emma with freshmen Peter, Wendy and Felix and sophomore Isaac. He was a creative writing major and a bit of a jerk to, well, everyone. The freshmen on the other hand were so immersed in their own little world that they barely had enough time to come out of it in order to do their job right. Peter and Felix were normally getting into trouble or Peter and Wendy were making out._

 _Long story short, it was going to be a long summer for Emma._

 _Since he knew her schedule, Killian would normally text Emma later in the day, after dinner or later in the evening. They would talk casually, him asking her about the day and visa versa. The conversations normally were not to long like they used to be, mainly due to time's sake. They tried to arrange for the two of them to see each other, but nothing ever worked out._

 _One night, a few weeks into the summer, with them not having seen each other since a few days after graduation, they were texting, trying to arrange a time that they could see each other._

 _E: I'm crazy busy this week with work and summer classes. I've got to turn in my final by Friday at midnight._

 _K:Ever the hard worker you are, Swan. You know I am proud of you, aye?_

 _E: Yes, you goof._

 _K. I compliment you and you insult me. What kind of thank you is that?_

 _E: Goof._

 _K: Well, love, when are you going to make some time for your favorite goof, hmmm?_

 _E: You free this weekend? I have Saturday night off for once._

 _K: Sorry, Swan, but alas, I've already made plans for Saturday night. Sunday?_

 _E: Drinks with Will? Make sure he doesn't get drunk._

 _K: No, love, not Will this time._

 _E: What are you doing then?_

 _K. Do you think me such a loser that I can have no other plans on a Saturday night then hanging with Will?_

 _E: You're dodging the question._

 _K: If you must know, Swan, I have a date that night?_

 _E: A date? You haven't had a date in years! Mr. Bachelor is finally settling down!_

 _K: Have your laughs, love._

 _E: Who is it?_

 _K: Milah._

 _At that, Emma picked up her phone and called him. "Miah? I didn't know you two talked._

 _She heard him sigh on the other end. "Sporadically here and there. I mentioned to her that I got a job in town and we began talking a bit more. She works here too, at one of the hospitals._

" _Isn't she like, five years older than you?" Emma asked._

" _Three and a half." He corrected._

" _You ask her out?"_

" _Aye." He hummed. "It's just one date, Swan."_

" _You like her don't you." She stated._

" _If I didn't, would I have asked her out?"_

" _Good point." Emma laughed._

" _Nothing in going to change between us, love." Killian knew her. He knew her past, that she was always abandoned. Something like this would not bother most people, but Emma had been through a lot and he, being her best friend, wanted to make sure she was okay with everything._

" _I know that."_

" _Good."_

" _I should get going." Emma told him. "I've got a long day ahead of me."_

" _Aye, love. The life of a summer crew worker. I'll let you get some rest. Sweet dreams, Swan."_

" _Bye, Killian." She disconnected the call and felt a strange pang in her stomach. Eventually the day would come, she had known, that Killian would start seeing someone, but it felt weird nonetheless. And with Milah of all people? He had not mentioned her to much during the school year, only when she somehow worked her way into the conversation via someone else. Emma knew that Killian was a private person, but would he really keep something like this from his friends? From her?_

 _Emma wanted to be happy for him-she wanted him to be happy- but it all felt unnatural. Killian had not dated much in college, unlike most of their friends. He, like her, had been set up more times than he would have wished, all ending in awkward stories and no second date._

 _If Emma was honest with herself, which she rarely was, she did have a bit of a crush on Killian. But,really, who wouldn't? British, tall, dark, smart, kind, funny and those eyes? It could make any girl weak. And of course, Emma knew him beyond the physical, but it was just a silly crush. She didn't even like him that much._

 _There was a point, though, that she thought maybe, just maybe, he liked her. They were close and it was not until the beginning of his senior year that she ever started to consider the possibility that he might like her romantically. It was preposterous, right? They were just friends, nothing more. But some days, their conversations or even his actions would lead her to think otherwise, that maybe he did have feelings for her._

 _For most people, that idea would delight them, but not Emma. The very idea that he may feel something for her scared her. She would no doubt lose him. Emma Swan did not date. Relationships just were not her thing and Killian would be no different._

 _So she ignored it. Any time he even hinted at something like that, she changed the subject. They were better off as friends-friends._

 _What she was feeling was not jealousy, though. Emma Swan was not the jealous type, not anymore. When she was a child, she sometimes would envy the biological children of some of her foster parents. They had homes and parents and toys and everything that she would never get. But by age thirteen Emma finally understood the world was not a fair place and that jealousy got her nowhere._

 _After a few days, this feeling, whatever it was, would pass. Killian would go out on his date with Milah and no matter the outcome, Emma and him would still be best friends. But just friends. It was better that way._

 _There was less room for heartbreak that way._

* * *

Light existed at the end of the tunnel. In not even a month, Emma and her friends would graduate and move on from Misthaven University. Emma had interviews lined up with different jobs, all places where she could use her forensic psychology major in different ways, whether it be mentoring troubled teenagers or criminal profiling. She had even made an appointment with the school counselor to talk about everything that was going on with her life. The latter had been a reluctant move, but one she knew she desperately needed.

Emma was meeting with Killian and Will tonight to have dinner at their place. She was pushing herself to spend as much time with her friends over the next few weeks instead of constantly burying her nose in her textbooks. After graduation, things would change and she wanted to try and relish the little time she had left, even if it was hard for her.

She knocked on the door to the boys' apartment, with a pie-a pie she bought, not baked because Emma Swan lived in a dorm with little cooking room and even if she had a kitchen Emma Swan did not bake- in hand.

A few moments later Killian answered. "Swan. Always lovely to see you." He ushered her in and took the desert from her hand. "Will got caught up at work and said he'll be here as soon as he can."

She hummed. "He still working as security?"

"Aye."

"You know." She laughed, shrugging off her red leather jacket. "I always thought Will was more adept at breaking into buildings than keeping people from breaking into them."

"From the stories he has told me, that sounds true." Killian moved into the kitchen to grab a pot off the stove.

Leaning against the counter, Emma asked. "How have you been doing?"

"Fine." He threw her a glance as he drained something in the sink. "Prosthetic came in the other day, as you can see," He raised his left hand for her to see. "As for the amnesia, I am getting there. I've been remembering a lot more from my childhood."

"That's good." Emma commented and Killian just hummed before turning to mix something. She knew what he was thinking-it would be a good thing for someone who had a good childhood. Killian's mother died when he was young, then his father abandoned him and his brother died when he was barely eighteen.

He turned around, one plates in hand and another resting on the counter, the aroma of the food bringing out of her thoughts. "Will said to start without him. We don't want the food getting cold, now do we?"

"No." She went over to him to take the one plate so he could get his own.

"It's not much, but I'm still getting used to the whole cooking thing."

Emma set down her plate of the chicken alfredo he prepared. "Hey, it beats anything I could have made and is ten times better than cafeteria food at school. So, don't be apologizing."

"Alright, Swan." He sat down and they started their meal. In between bites, he said to her, "Milah came by earlier."

"Really?"

"Aye. She wanted to talk." He pushed the food on his plate around with his fork. "The lass explained that we had broken up shortly before my accident. That was why she never around. She just assumed one of you told me that."

"She told you that?" Emma couldn't stop the question from tumbling out of her mouth. In a fit of rage, she had asked Milah why she did not just lie to Killian and say that they had already broken up, but she did not think she would actually use it. She assumed Milah would hide and Emma would have to figure out something to tell Killian.

He bobbed his head. "She said that we didn't see each other a lot because of work. Neither of us was very happy towards the end and we called it quits about a week before my accident. It was mutual."

 _Sure it was,_ Emma thought. "Huh." Killian's gaze remained on his plate, every few seconds poking a noodle onto the fork and forcing it into his mouth. Something was off. "She said something else, didn't she?"

He sighed and set down his fork, resting his elbows on the table. "She insinuated her guilt about my accident. Said I most likely had been drinking myself into oblivion before the crash."

Fury rose in Emma and she dropped her utensils. "Killian that's not what happened, you know that. The doctors ruled it out right away. It was the other guy's' fault. And even if it wasn't, you would never do something like that. You would not get in a car drunk, that's not you."

"That's quite a lot of faith you put in me, Swan."

"That's because I know you!" She fought.

"So did Milah."

"Milah's a liar." Emma regretted the words the minute she uttered them.

"What?" He asked her.

"Nothing."

"What did you mean by that, Swan?" It almost sounded like he was defending her.

"She lied about you drinking-"

"No," He cut her off. "That's not it. What did you mean?"

With a sigh, Emma hesitated before answering. "She lied to you Killian. You two didn't break up."

"Why would she tell me th-"

"She cheated." She said before she could convince herself otherwise. "She didn't want to hurt you. She said she wasn't happy and didn't see things changing anytime soon. I'm sorry."

He was silent. By the look on his face, Emma could not read his emotions. She waited a few seconds before asking, "Are you okay?"

In a solemn tone, he stated. "Aye. It's hard to mourn someone you don't know."

"Killian-"

He raised a hand to stop her. "I'm sure I'll feel worse about this in a few weeks when I actually remember my history with her. But as of now, she is a stranger to me."

"I'm sorry, Killian."

"Don't be." He shook his head. "How did you know though?"

"I went over to her place." She confessed. "I knew that something was up and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. The guy was at her place when I went. I gave her two weeks to tell you before I did. I thought she should be the one to explain what she did but clearly she felt otherwise."

"Checking up on her, hm?"

"I felt that something was wrong. I knew she was lying." She corrected him. "I don't know if you remember this, but I have a superpower. I can tell when anyone is lying."

"I'm lucky to have someone like you, Swan." He said with a small laugh, but she could tell he was being serious.

"It was just instincts."

"You know what I meant. I haven't actually thanked you properly for helping me."

"You would do the same thing if the roles were reversed."

"It still stands," He said. "You are helping me. You didn't have to-we both know I wouldn't have bloody known either way, but you helped me. Thank you, Swan. Perhaps I could do something to show you my gratitude. Maybe dinner?"

"We are having dinner right now." She pointed out.

"I meant something nicer. Maybe a restaurant." He rubbed his neck. It was nice to see that his nervous tics still stood.

"Like Grannys?"

He gave an exasperated breath. "Do you want me to spell it out, love? I meant a date."

"I don't think that is a good idea." She said slowly.

"Love, you just said Milah and I are no longer together."

"I know." Leaning back in her chair, she tried to slow her breathing so she could think of what to say next. " I just think we should wait until you have you memories until we do-anything like that."

"Swan, everyone says I have to keep bloody living my life. " He stated, not with frustration, just to prove a point. "That's what I am trying to do."

"I know. I just think that you are the first priority right now. We shouldn't complicate things, you know?" It was not exactly a lie. Throughout everything, Killian came first, not her or whatever had happened between them. " Besides, it won't be that much longer. You're one tough cookie."

"I suppose you are right, love. You won't be going anywhere before I get my memory back, though, would you?"

She laughed. "Wouldn't dream of it."

With his ever perfect timing, the front door popped wide open and Will walked right through, muttering something about staying late and the fools that were the reason. "Sorry I'm late."

Killian stood and removed his plate from the table and then came back to get Emma's as she went to greet Will. "I was thinking maybe just a few pictures tonight. And maybe a movie if it doesn't get too late." Will said. They knew the constant pictures must have been frustrating for Killian and a complete overload to his system, but they seemed to produce some results, even if they were small. Some days while they were looking at the old photographs Killian would state something about it, a memory they had never told him, and they knew they were making progress.

Will pulled up some pictures on his laptop and the trio settled on the couch. It did not take to long for Emma to realize they were skimming pictures from college. There were ones of them with David, Mary-Margaret, Ruby and the others. Killian and Will graduating and saying goodbye to David. Some of football games and what Killian and Will called the real football games, but the rest called soccer. Sporadically there were pictures of them actually in class or studying and some at school events.

There was one picture that caught Emma's eye. It was an old one, from early in her sophomore year. Emma remembered the day with a smile. David had offered to give Mary-Margaret a piggy back ride while they were walking some trails and she accepted. In a competitive sense, Killian offered Emma one and she said no. After some wrangling and pushing via Ruby she somehow ended up on his shoulders. At that Will and Ruby insisted they get a picture of the "happy couples."

She had scoffed at the time, but she really was happy. Genuinely, completely happy. Things were normal and real and it was good. College had been a long, rough four years, but for the most part, it had been really good. Despite everything right now-Killian and school and her own health and problems-it had been a good four years.

It was like David always said, "Life is made up of moments. Good ones and bad ones, but they are all worth living."


	9. Pushback

**Guys, we are making progress. But there is still a lot more progress to be made. Stay tuned for for twists and turns!**

* * *

 _Chapter 9: Pushback_

 _Emma felt a strange sense of deja vu as she moved into the dorm for the last time. Being a senior had perks, such as getting in before some of the freshman and being able to secure her roommates. Regina joined their suite that year since Aurora had decided to study abroad for a year._

 _Ruby was a bundle of stories when she came in, talking about everything that had happened over her summer and letting Emma know how much she had missed her. While they were unpacking their clothes, Ruby asked Emma, "So, how was your summer?"_

 _Emma shrugged as she grabbed a few shirts from her suitcase and put them in her dresser. "Same old, same old. Summer crew with a bunch of freshman was nothing short of an adventure." She gave a small chuckle, remembering how she had hoped that she was not anything like that when she was a freshman. "Elsa can down for the holiday weekend though and we drove down to the beach. It was nice. I haven't seen her in forever."_

" _No Anna?"_

 _Emma shook her head. "She and Kris spent the holiday with his family. They invited Elsa, but we already had something planned so."_

 _Ruby hummed. "Those two tie the knot yet?"_

" _This summer. They wanted to wait until Anna graduated."_

" _She student teaches this year, though, right?" The brunette asked._

" _Yeah." Emma confirmed. "Second semester."_

" _I don't know what would be worse," Ruby turned to her from where she had been folding clothes. "Our course load or doing student teaching. It's like working for a grade and you have to pay."_

" _Mary-Margaret starts her clinical's for speech therapy this semester. I'm sure she'll be feeling Anna's pain."_

" _The fact that they can handle that amazes me."_

 _Emma laughed. "The fact that you don't get bored out by all those business classes amazes me."_

 _Ruby gave her the signature "Ruby stank face" that she had become well associated with over the past three years. "So, anyway, how's Killian? You two see a lot of each other over the summer? He's still in town, right?"_

" _Yeah, he's in town for work. He's got a nice place-or it was nice when he and Will moved in. I can't say it still looks like that."_

" _Were you over there a lot over the summer?"_

" _No." Emma finished folding clothes and putting them in her dresser and turned her attention to the few things she had to hang up in their shared closet. "I was just there when I helped him move in."_

 _Moving her suitcase off of her bed, Ruby shot her a look. "He come over here a lot than?"_

" _Not really."_

 _Ruby slowed her movement, a t shirt in her hand. "You guys went out all the time? I know you like Grannys, but every now and than you need a change of scenery."_

" _No. No Grannys."_

 _Ruby let out a low sigh. "You didn't see him, did you."_

" _I was busy." Emma rushed in, focusing her attention down on what she was unpacking rather than Ruby. "And so was he."_

" _Uh uh." Ruby walked over to Emma and took what was in her hand and demanded she look at her. "You two were basically attached at the hip for the past three years. Did you at least text or Skype?"_

 _Emma walked around her bed to get past Ruby and headed towards her desk. "Well, at the beginning we talked a lot. It kinda dwindled as the summer went on."_

" _Why?" Her roommate bluntly asked._

 _She gave a shrug. "I told you we were busy." She glanced over at Ruby and saw she was not buying it. "Look I had a lot going on with Summer crew and my summer classes and he had work and Milah."_

" _Whoa, what?" Ruby walked over to face Emma. "Milah?"_

" _They started dating."_

" _So, that's what this about?" Her voice was not judging or assuming, but curious._

" _If you are asking if I am jealous, that is a no." Emma set down a box and sat on her desk. "I'm not like that Rube, you know that."_

" _Maybe he was uncomfortable hanging out with you while he was with Milah." She suggested. "Or maybe Milah didn't like it."_

" _It's not Milah. We are just busy. I'm sure once things settle down we will see and talk to each other more."_

" _Because you are totally not the type to bury herself in a book and not resurface for three weeks." Ruby teased as she moved over to her side of the room._

" _Hey, I've got a scholarship to maintain over here."_

" _Yeah, yeah missy." Ruby said. "So, when are we going out to celebrate our senior year? I mean, we are all twenty-one now."_

* * *

Twenty-nine days. Twenty-nine more days until Emma graduated college. The day she had waited for years was finally here. She was waiting for a few phone calls about her job status and than she could proceed to find her apartment. The stress of not having plans for anything after the next month was starting to get to her, but Emma knew she things to fall back on in case nothing worked out.

Killian had become a factor in her job choice. She did not feel comfortable going to far away while he was still healing. Emma had always said she would never base huge decisions off another person, especially someone she had a falling out with, but she knew that Killian would have dropped everything if the situation was reversed.

Today, Emma was going to see Killian after physical therapy. He had started going by himself, just having Will drop him off or walking if the weather allowed it. Progress was starting to be made and small parts of his memory were starting to come back along with his physical improvements, such as writing or doing mundane tasks one handed. The doctors predicted that the remaining missing memories might come in all at once soon if they did not continue to stagger. They had a few tests they wanted to try with him over the next few weeks to see if anything would act as a retrieval cue for his memories.

Emma waited on a bench at school for Killian. He would come visit her after her class and his appointment before heading back home for dinner with Will. Emma was trying hard to keep her head above water with everything going on. She had an appointment with the school counselor that week and hoped that she would be able to move forward with her plan of putting herself first for once.

Out of the corner of her eye, Emma saw Killian approaching, dressed in his usual black jeans and tshirt. His face was sullen and he did not look at Emma as he sat down. "Hello, love."

"Hey." She said slowly.

"Fancy a walk?"

"Sure." They stood and Killian followed Emma's lead. "How was the appointment."

"Fine." He answered simply. "Same as they all are. How's school going for you, lass?"

"I'm almost done, so I guess I can't complain." She laughed. "I'm starting to get into finals seasons so there is a ton of work plus job applications and graduation-"

"Sounds like a lot."

"You did it too, you know." She teased in the hopes that it would lighten his mood.

"Not that I bloody remember though."

"What's your problem today?" Emma did not mean for the question to sound so harsh, but it still came out that way. She tried again."What's bothering you? Something's not right."

"I assure you, Swan, everything is fine."

"No it's not. What's up?"

"Love, I swear it's just the physical therapy. It's stressful some days." Emma could tell it was not completely a lie, but most definitely not the truth.

"Killian-"

"Look, Emma," He used her real name. He rarely used her full name unless the conversation was serious or he was frustrated with her. This time it was the latter. "You don't tell me every little thing that is going on in your life. Don't always expect me to."

"Is that what this is about?" She stopped walking. "I don't tell you things?"

"No one bloody does." His voice was a mixture of bitterness, stress and frustration. "No one bloody talks to me unless it's about doctor's appointments or bugging me about whether I remember anything new."

"Killian, we're trying-"

"I get that, Swan." He sighed. "But sometimes you all forget that I am not something to be healed. I can still make memories."

"We know that, Killian." She told him. "But we also know that you are missing a huge chunk of you life and we want you to get it back. We are doing this for you."

They stood in silence for a few moments and Emma motioned for them to keep walking so that no one stared at them. "Killian, this situation is new for all of us too. We are going to make a lot of mistakes. It's hard for us to be with you and see you struggling."

"I wasn't asking for you pity."

"I know." Emma raised her hand. "I know. You were asking to be understood. And it's valid. We have some learning and adjusting to do if we are going to help you."

"It's not like any of you are doctors." He stated. "It's not your job to help."

"Yeah, but we're your friends. And we want to. We want you to be happy."

After a long pause, he sighed. "Sometimes it's all too much. The constant attention and the doctors and having no bloody clue what I've forgot."

"I know. You've been doing really well with it though. I don't know if I could do it." She confessed with a run of her hand through her hair.

"You could, Swan. You're strong enough to tackle anything."

She gave a small chuckle. "Thanks for that vote of confidence."

* * *

"So, Emma, let's talk about your upbringing. Family?" The college counselor, Dr. Archie Hopper asked. He was a middle aged man with curly hair and glasses and a nervous tone to his voice.

Emma shook her head. "No family. I was abandoned as a baby. I grew up in the foster system."

He hummed as he scribbled something down on his notepad. "Were you ever adopted?"

"Nope."

"How about your longest stay?"

"Three years when I was a baby. They started the adoption process but then the mother got pregnant and they sent me back. After that my longest was probably only a couple of months."

"How'd you decide to come to college?" He asked.

Emma remembered being a high school student terrified about college. Now a college senior, it was a miracle she had made it this far. "I saw that when I worked for them, I could get good grades. I worked my butt off to qualify for as many scholarships as I could. It was end up homeless or struggling or come to college so I think I made the right choice."

Dr. Hopper chuckled. "I agree. So, Emma, did you ever think that you might have been dealing with some type of mental illness?"

Emma gave a long sigh before answering. "I was seventeen and I thought that there might be something wrong. It was the first time in my life I felt this-emptiness. But I pushed it aside because I was almost out of the system and no caseworker would have helped me. Then I got out of the system and when I was nineteen I had another bad bout with-whatever it was. It lasted for a few months but I pushed it away as well as I could. I just threw myself into my school work. But it came back this year and it's the worst it's ever been. My friends found out something wasn't right and encouraged me to just get to the bottom of it."

He nodded. "Okay, let's talk some physical symptoms, okay?" He suggested. "How are you sleeping?"

Emma shook her head with a small laugh, despite herself. "Terrible. I wake up at least once or twice a night and can never get back to sleep."

"Okay." She saw him write down her answer. "Any diet change? Loss of appetite or increase in it?"

"Not really."

"How about aches and pains?"

"Um-headaches. I'm not really a migraine sufferer, they only come in when-well when I'm going through a rough spot. Sometimes my back hurts too,but it's not as bad."

Archie ran through a list of a few more physical symptoms, listening to Emma's answers, before asking her, "How are your grades this semester?"

"Straight A's."

"That normal for you?"

Emma nodded. "Yeah. I've always been an A student. I'm on a scholarship so I kinda have to be."

"Okay." He said. "How about friends? You mentioned your friends wanted you to come here. Are you close with them? Do you all hang out a lot?"

Emma smiled. "They are great. Mary-Margaret and Ruby urged me to come here. They've known me since freshman year. I live with this girl Regina too. And than I have David who's amazing and a couple of other friends. They really are all amazing. I try to go out with them whenever I can. Sometimes it's hard-like there is something in me making me not want to go out-but I try to get out with them a lot."

The counselor sat across from her and jotted down more notes for a few seconds before looking up at her. "Here's the deal, Emma. I think you have what I like to call high functioning depression."

"And how does this differ from normal depression?"

"Not a lot." He told her. "It affects people the same. It's the symptoms that are different. I've seen it a lot with college students. They pour themselves into their schoolwork in order to cope and they are involved with every extracurricular possible. They don't have those sad and gloomy stereotypes we all associate with depression."

"But I still have those-" Emma questioned.

"You still have the feelings depression creates. You just don't look like the normal textbook case. And a lot of people don't. Researchers are still learning a lot about depression and finding out more everyday."

"So, what do I do?"

"I want to meet again very soon and discuss treatment options. And since you are a senior, I would like to talk about a referral to another counselor. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah."

Emma made another appointment with Archie for a few days later and thanked him for his service. Just being able to talk to someone who knew what they were doing did help a lot. As she walked out of the counseling services building, she checked her phone, seeing that she had several missed calls from Robin and Will. She immediately called Robin back first.

"Hey, what's up?"

"It worked." He said without even saying hello to her. "It worked!"

"Whoa, slow down. What worked?"

"The treatment. With Killian." He explained, but Emma was still confused.

"What treatment?"

"Remember I told you that the doctors had a few new tests they wanted to try with Killian. Well, they tried their third one today. They've been at it for hours. I mean, literally all day, but it worked. Emma, lass, it worked!"

"It worked?" Emma questioned, not sure if she heard him correctly. "Does that mean-"

"He remembers, Em."

* * *

 _ **Reviews?**_


	10. Da Capo

**_So, I honestly feel like you are all going to be let down by the whole "big fight thing" But remember, Emma is Emma and she pushes people away. Also, at this time, she is dealing with what we thing is depression. And Killian can only handle so much while dealing with his new life. The stress sometimes is just to much._**

 ** _Also, I am sure many of you are wondering: Now what? I wanted to pull an Adam and Eddy and get to the "big moment" in the middle of the story, like how they had the curse break at the end of season 1 instead of the end of the series. A large part of this fic is going to be them dealing with their demons and figuring out how to move on. Hope you enjoy!_**

* * *

 _Chapter 10: Da Capo_

 _By September, senior year was in full swing. Students were drowning in papers and projects and Emma and the rest of the gang were just trying to enjoy what was left of their college experience. After this year things would change and they would all go in their separate directions._

 _It was a Monday night and Emma was supposed to go meet Ruby and Mary-Margaret for dinner. She was running late from a study group and needed to swing by the dorm to grab her student id so she could actually get into the cafeteria. After three years of college, she still could not remember to carry the plastic card around with her, resulting in many extra trips to her dorm._

 _Emma shucked off her bag in a hurry and rummaged through her nightstand drawer until she found her ID. Right when she was about to grab her jacket and leave, a voice caught her attention. She looked up to see Killian leaning in the doorway._

 _Surprised, she asked slowly, "What are you doing here?"_

" _I thought I'd surprise you. I had to drop something off for Robin and decided that since I was here I would stop in and say hello."_

 _Emma moved her backpack to her desk and, while unzipping it, looked up at him. "How long have you been waiting here?"_

" _Only a few minutes. I texted Ruby to make sure you were in tonight and she told me just to wait for you in her room. I didn't want to startle you."_

 _Emma looked back down at her bag with a small smile. It was not foreign that he would show up in her room unannounced, but that was when he was a student here. She had not seen much of him since his graduation and he must have assumed that it would be weird to just randomly wait for her in her room._

" _Swan, are you avoiding me?"He said after a few moments of silence._

" _What? Of course not." She stepped away from her desk. "Look, I'm talking to you right now."_

 _He stayed planted in his spot, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed. "You know what I mean, love."_

" _Milah busy tonight?" Emma changed the subject._

" _Meeting."_

 _Emma hummed and went ahead and started putting some of her books away. "That why you came by tonight?" The words came out of her mouth before she could convince herself to be nice._

" _What's that supposed to mean?" He unfolded his arms and shoved his hands in his pockets._

" _Nothing." Emma said causally. "Just that you spend most of your time with her, is all."_

" _What, are you jealous, Swan?" There was a bit to much annoyance in his tone._

" _In your dreams," Was her quick retort. The stood in silence for a few moments before she said to him, "Did you need something or did you just stop by?" She knew it was a bit of a smirky remark, but she could not help herself._

" _I already told you that I was stopping by, Swan."_

" _Right, sorry."_

 _There was a tension in the air and Emma knew they were both too stubborn to let anything go. They had not spoken consistently in weeks and when they did talk it was arguing about the fact that their schedules never matched._

 _Emma did not know when things changed. Their friendship took a complete one eighty within a matter of seconds and she did not know what set him off. Since the very beginning, she knew how hard it would be when he graduated and they did not see each other everyday, but she did not consider the fact that they would ever stop talking like they were. Their own individual busyness and stresses were starting to add up and affect their friendship._

" _Ruby and Mary-Margaret are waiting for me at the dining hall." She finally said._

" _Of course they are." He muttered under his breath with a huff._

" _What's that supposed to mean, Killian?" Instinctively she moved her hands to her hips._

" _You're busy. Again. Shocker." His voice was bitter and she could tell it was months of resentment starting to boil over._

" _I've got to eat. You're the one who came at dinner time."_

 _He took a step into the room and ran a hand through his hair. "That's not what I bloody mean. Every time I try to see you, you're busy. But for some strange reason, you are never too busy for everyone else." Emma knew there was truth to his claim, but she was not the type of person to go down without a fight._

" _Oh yeah?" How often are you out with Milah?"_

" _She's my girlfriend, Emma." He used her first name. Not love, not lass, not even Swan. He meant business." "Of course I spend time with her. And don't try to turn this around on me."_

 _She gritted her teeth. "Isn't this about you? You're the one who withdrew not me."_

" _Withdrew from what?"_

" _I don't even get why you came over here tonight." She said to herself._

 _He answered her thoughts. "You're my friend. I wanted to see you, remember?"_

 _She lost it, more out of her own frustration at not being able to win the conversation rather than anger at him. "Than where have you been the past few months! Good friends don't just forget their friends when they get a job and a girlfriend."_

" _Communication works both ways, Emma." He bit at her._

" _Yeah, but a person knows when they aren't wanted." Emma knew it was a weak response, but it was all she could come up with._

" _Don't play the orphan card, Emma."_

 _Emma took a step forward, grinding her teeth. She did not even know what they were arguing about. They could not see each other as much as they liked? Really that was worth a huge argument._

" _I didn't."_

" _Emma, when are you going to admit what this is really about?"_

 _She took a step back out of confusion, folding her arms against her chest. "Yeah, what is this about?" Her voice was calmer._

" _You're jealous of my relationship with Milah. You feel replaced. Emma, I get that during your childhood-_

" _No!" She raised her voice. "You don't get to use my childhood against me." She quieted, in fear that someone might hear them. "I am not jealous. You came in here angry, not me."_

"" _Well, to quote you Swan, you are the one withdrawing. Eventually, Emma, you have to stop running."_

" _Maybe running has kept me safe from people that will hurt me. People I thought I could trust." She smirked._

" _I never gave you a reason to not trust me."_

" _How about dropping out of my life the minute you got a better deal? What, was I only a distraction during your college years until you could get something better?" It was a low blow, an unnecessary one, but it did the job._

 _It got him riled up. "Now, you know that's not true! I can't believe you would think so low of me."_

" _No lower than you think of me! Blaming everything on my childhood like I'm some broken toy. Accusing me of being jealous of you and Milah when I'm more like repulsed."_

" _Emma-"_

" _Get out."_

" _What?" For the first time, his voice was not anger, but confusion._

" _You heard me. Get out. You do not get to just come in here and jump down my throat. You do not get to be mad that I am busy and do not spend every free second with you. You don't get to accuse me of being jealous because you know I am not. And more certainly, you do not get to attack my childhood. So what, I was foster kid. News flash, Killian, I know I am broken, I don't need you reiterating that fact to me."_

" _Emma, I-"_

" _Killian, I don't have the energy to keep fighting with you, okay. We've moved on. We are different people than last year. You have a new life and I am still here in college. Maybe we were always meant to fizzle out the minute you graduated. It's hard being friends when you go from seeing each other every day to seeing each other every few weeks. Maybe we should just accept it and move on. Clearly this isn't working, so why push it?"_

" _Emma, that's not what I want!" He fought, but she shook her head._

" _You've made it pretty clear what you want. I have a scholarship to keep up Killian, I can't keep this up with you."_

" _So, what you are putting school before me?"_

" _I'm putting me first. And maybe you should too. We are too different now, Killian. We were great friends while we lasted, but people grow up and move on and never talk to their college friends again, okay? We were never meant to be more than college friends." She moved to the door, waiting for him to leave._

" _Emma, you're running, you're-"_

" _I'm done. And after all the yelling you've done tonight, I know you are too."_

 _He gritted his teeth. "I never said I was done-"_

" _You didn't have to."_

 _He sighed. "If this is what you want-"_

" _We both know it's best."_

 _He moved towards the door. "Have a nice life, Emma." He bit out to her and left._

 _She stood still. He was angry-he had a right to be. They had the equivalent of a friend break up. But why? Why was either of them so mad? Why did he come in, guns raised and why did she push him to fire? Why did she fire back?_

 _Did they really just throw away their entire friendship because of scheduling conflicts?_

 _Apparently._

 _But there was so much resentment. He clearly resented the fact that she always held him at arm's length, that she could never fully let him in. She hated the fact that he left her when he knew that no one in her life ever stayed. She hated that he got close to her and just left. But most of all, she hated the fact that she let him._

 _Maybe, since Killian's graduation and his beginning a relationship with Milah, her lost girl problems kicked in full throttle. She was terrified of being replaced and did what she always did. But he was the one who left. He had his life with Milah and his college degree and his job and made it quite clear that he no longer needed her._

 _It took several minutes for Emma to fully realize that she just let her best friend walk out of her life._

 _It took her several seconds after that to realize that she had pushed him away. There was something in her that made people leave. The problem was her._

 _Like it always was._

* * *

Emma nervously knocked at the door of Killian and Will's apartment, where Robin told her to meet him. Thoughts and memories flooded her head, along with every possible outcome that could play out in front of her during the next few moments. She had no idea what was going to happen next or how he would react.

Robin opened the door. "Emma, thanks for coming. I thought you might like to talk with him."

Emma gave a small nod of thanks to Robin and walked into the apartment, shutting the door behind her. She spotted Killian sitting at the kitchen table.

"I was going to grab dinner." Robin announced. "Give you guys a few minutes to talk." She knew what Robin meant, but she was thankful that he was at least willing to give them some privacy.

"That would be great, mate." Killian said. "I'm starved."

"Chinese sound good to you guys?" They both nodded and Robin grabbed his wallet and keys before leaving the apartment.

"Thank you." Killian said when the door shut. "You didn't have to help me. You could have easily gotten them to lie and say I was imagining some Emma girl or that you moved. But you helped me nonetheless."

Emma shuffled her feet, still standing close to the door. "You would have done the same."

"Aye, but that doesn't change the fact that you did it. It means a lot to me, Emma, that you did. And I want to thank you for that."

"You're welcome."

After a few moments of silence, Killian got to the elephant in the room. "I was a real jerk the last time we spoke. I mean, before the accident."

Emma moved to sit in one of the chairs across from Killian. "I'm not going to argue with you there."

He gave a small chuckle. "What were we even fighting about?"

"If I knew, I would tell you."

He sighed. "Emma, why did we stop talking?" He got right to the point.

"Honestly, I don't know." She told him. "We started fighting about how we were both so busy and then next thing I know I am kicking you out of my room and we stop talking."

"I'm sorry for everything I said." Emma could tell that his apology was genuine. "I was frustrated that you were never around anymore and I took it out on you."

"It's okay. I'm sorry for everything I said too. It was out of line."

"You weren't too out of line with Milah?" He laughed sadly.

"I always did have a way of reading people. I'm sorry about her though." Emma said, running a hand through her hair. "You didn't deserve that."

"I guess I always knew that things with Milah were not ideal. But I let myself believe that they could get better. That we could have a real future. That was all I wanted. I should have never accused you of being jealous, though."

Emma rested her elbow on the table, leaning closer to him. "I never was jealous. I don't think that was the word. If I'm honest, though, I felt replaced. My entire childhood people abandoned me when they found something better. I assumed you were doing the same. I guess you were right with bringing up all my issues."

He sat up straight in his chair. "Emma, I should never have used your past against you. You're not broken, love. Don't believe for a second that you are, even if I was a bloke and made you believe that."

"You were right, though," Emma continued. "I withdrew. It's what I do. I got scared I was going to lose you so I withdrew. Somehow in my mind that makes sense.

Before Killian could say anything else, she said, "I'm sick. Mentally, I mean. The doctor thinks it's depression. And I don't even know why I am telling you this because it's honestly not your business and I really don't like talking about it and I'm still not a public person, but I want you to know where I am coming from. Sometimes my head tells me to withdraw, that it's safer. And sometimes I just can't control it. I was so afraid that I was going to lose you or that I was going to get hurt that my head rationalized pushing you away and withdrawing was my safest route."

"But I didn't help you, Emma." He pushed. "I knew you had a fear of being abandoned and I started spending all of my time with Milah. I knew you didn't love my relationship with her and I didn't want you to be disappointed in me, so I thought if I just poured all of my energy into her, I would be happy."

"Were you?"

"No." He answered. "Emma, allow me to be honest for a moment. I had feelings for you for the majority of college, but seeing as they were unrequited, I had to do what was best for me. And I thought that was Milah. I thought I should stop pursuing something that would never happen and move forward with my life."

"I used to think you liked me." She gave a small laugh, remembering her emotions that came up when he announced he was with Milah. How she finally realized that he was more than a friend. "But I think that scared me. I was scared that I would lose you even quicker if it were true."

"So, you pushed me away?"

Emma sighed. "It's what I do." They sat in silence, her with an elbow on the table and him leaning back in his chair, hand on his neck and stump in his lap.

Finally, she said, "I think it was months, maybe years of issues that neither of us dealt with. And Milah was the catalyst. We both used the scheduling as an excuse to not see each other, but I don't think any of our issues were with each other. I know all of my problems were my own, not with you."

"Aye, lass. I agree."

"So, what do we do?" She asked the inevitable question. How did they move past this? They were very different people than they were, both stronger and more mature. Throughout everything, she knew she never was really mad at him. She was mad at herself that she pushed everyone away. That she withdrew and could not have real relationships because of her fear of getting hurt. But never once since their disagreement did she ever hate him.

The jingling of keys made both of their heads turn towards the door. Surely Robin was back with dinner. Will would be home from work within the hour and that was not the time to come up with some type of resolution to their issues.

"Later." He whispered.

* * *

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	11. Dal Segno

**I was blown away by the reception to last chapter. Thank you all! You're reviews always mean so much to me!**

 **Just to clarify, this chapter also is named after a musical term. I did not do two in a row on purpose. Chapter ten was always named Da Capo. But this morning I could not get the idea of repeating music out of my head. In music, Dal Segno means to repeat. In this chapter, Emma and Killian are very much going back and repeating and retrying.**

 **Anyway, I hope you like this chapter. It is a bit shorter, but we've had quite a few long chapters so far. Either way- see you next week!**

* * *

 _Chapter 11: Dal Segno_

 _When Emma was three, the Swans, her first real foster family, sent her back because they were having a child of their own and they could not afford two children. She was too young to completely understand then, but that did not stop the sting of abandonment._

 _When she was seven, a foster mother told her she would never be a good enough daughter and sent her back the next day._

 _When she was fourteen, Lily happened. She trusted Lily. The girl told her that she understood her-that she to was an orphan and that they could run away together and be safe. But it all fell apart. She got close to someone, despite her better judgement, and got hurt because of it._

 _Several months later, Lily showed up again and ruined what had been a good home for her. Once again she trusted Lily and got burned because of it. She ran because she knew she would be abandoned if she did not._

 _At sixteen, Neal walked into her life and once again she made the mistake of placing her trust in a person. She fully let herself go and the only thing she got was a broken heart and a jail record._

 _Suffice to say, Emma Swan knew a thing or two about abandonment._

 _But Killian was supposed to be different. How many times had he told her "I'll never leave you, Swan" or "I don't intend to let you down?" He stood by her for years. There had been a connection that she had with him that she could never explain. He understood her differently than her other friends. Killian got the abandonment, the hardships-he got her._

 _But she had pushed him to a breaking point. Immediately after he walked out the room, Emma turned on herself, telling herself it was her fault. He left because there was something in her that pushed people away. There was something in her that made people leave. It was what she did._

" _Emma-" A voice called and Emma immediately wiped her face of the few tears she actually let herself cry, and ran a hand through her hair before answering "In here!"_

" _We missed you at dinner." She head Ruby say as she walked into the room. "I brought you a to go."_

 _With one look to her, Mary Margaret knew something was up. "Emma, what's wrong?"_

" _Nothing."_

" _Killian came over earlier, didn't he?" Ruby asked curiously as she went over to set the styrofoam box down on one of the desks._

" _Yeah, he just left a few minutes ago."_

" _How is he?" Ruby leaned against the desk. Mary-Margaret was still standing by the door, facing right in front of Emma._

" _Good." Emma gave them a simple answer._

" _Emma-" Mary Margaret started, but Ruby was quicker._

" _How's his job? I bet it keeps him busy. But his paycheck must make up for that!"_

" _Yeah," Emma ran her hand threw her blonde locks. "He works a lot. He likes it though."_

" _Emma," Mary Margaret said again. "What happened?"_

" _M, I told you-"_

 _She shook her head. "I've known you for three years. I know that something is off. What happened?"_

 _Emma sighed and sat on her bed. "We just had a disagreement is all."_

" _What?" Ruby said and moved to sit next to Emma. "Do I need to kill him? Because I will kill him!"_

" _Rubes, it's fine."_

" _Em, what happened?" Mary Margaret's voice was filled with concern._

" _We just- he got mad that I was always busy and then accused me of being jealous of Milah. And he said some hurtful stuff about my past and I lost it." It was not a lie, Emma told herself. All of that did happen. It just was not the entire truth. But her friends did not need to know that for now._

 _They did not need to hear about how Emma pushed someone else away._

" _I'm gonna kill him!" Ruby immediately stated._

" _Are you okay, Emma?" Mary Margaret ignored Ruby._

" _Yeah." She told her friends. "We never stay mad at each other for long. I'm sure we'll make up in a few days."_

 _Something about this fight felt different. It was a breaking point for both of them and they knew it. But just because Emma and Killian knew that, did not mean her friends needed to._

" _So," Emma changed the subject. "What did you guys bring me for dinner? I'm starving."_

* * *

Will returned shortly after they began eating. The four of them enjoyed dinner and talked like old times, exchanging comments about how their week had been and laughing at old college stories that somehow always were brought up.

After dinner, Killian told the guys he was going to walk Emma back to the bus station and would be back later. If either Robin or Will saw through the lie and knew Emma had driven herself and parked her car in the parking garage down the street, they kept their mouths quiet.

They walked in silence to the park near Killian's apartment complex. There was still many things that needed to be said, much that needed to be worked through. They had a long way to go before they would be on solid ground like they used to be.

Emma had too much nervous energy to sit down and have this conversation, so she suggested they walk around the hiking trail. He agreed. A few moments later, Emma thought out loud, "Do you remember the first time we came here together?"

He hummed. "It was a few weeks after we met. We acted like a couple of mature blokes and darted right to the swings."

"And stayed there the entire night." Emma added and Killian laughed. "You know, that night it was the first time in such a long time I remember thinking that maybe I could trust someone. I never thought we would end up where we did."

Killian let out a low whistle. "Neither did I. Why did we ever stop talking?"

"We were angry. We were fighting about being busy-"

"No, love." He interrupted with a shake of his head. "I'm not asking why we were fighting. Why did we think that not talking for six bloody months would solve anything?"

Emma shoved her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. "We're stubborn?"

"That we are."

"I think I was just done." She breathed out. "I had pushed you away and got hurt like I always did. I told myself that there was nothing to go back to. I already got hurt and left."

"Emma-"

She held up a hand. "We've said our apologies. There is no point in repeating them. I was just saying where I was coming from."

"I don't have a real excuse, Swan. I could make something up, but I don't know why I thought it was best to avoid you. I admit I may have some of the same demons as you. My mother died when I was young and then my father left. And Liam-he was everything, and he left too. I suppose I have the same fears that you do. But I am my own worst enemy. I walked away from the best thing in my life."

She blushed at his last comment. "I'm definitely my own worst enemy. Always have been. Probably always will be."

They walked in silence for a few moments, both processing what had been said. Emma knew they both had done their fair share of growing in the past few months. They were willing to admit that they were both wrong, address their fears and past and Emma knew for herself, she no longer would let them dictate her future.

"Why did you ask me out?" She broke their silence. "Before you had your memories back, why did you ask me out?"

"I liked you, Swan. Even without my memories, I knew you were something special to me."

"You said you liked me in college-" She paused, unsure of how to finish.

"I did. Love, there was something special about you from the beginning. I'd be a fool to not see it."

"And now?"

"I still think you're pretty special, love." His voice was sincere and she knew what he meant. He wanted to give her his answer without scaring her.

"You know we can't do that right now," She said quickly. "Have a relationship. It doesn't matter how either of us feel right now. We have to work on being friends-well we don't have to. But we are not in a good spot right now and we should work on things-" She noticed she was rambling and looked to him.

A small smile lit up his face. "Is that your way of saying that you like me, Swan?"

"Still one for inflating your ego, huh?"

He smirked and she realized how much she missed this. Them. The real them. Not her trying to help him remember or a Killian with half of his memories. Those were great, but this was-this was them. It was like they were when they were in college, best friends, inseparable.

"So, you want to work on things?" His question pulled her back into reality.

"Yeah." She gave a definite nod. "You were my best friend. I don't want to lose that."

"Neither do I, Swan."

Emma sighed. "I'm gonna get better. I want to and I think I will. It's going to be different this time."

"Emma, love, you are not the only one who has to work on things. You were right when you said more of it was personal than against the other. I too need to work on myself. I want to be a better man for you."

She shook her head. "Do it for you, not me. Don't get me wrong, Killian, it's nice, but don't. I mean, I'm not getting better for you. I'm doing it because I know I need this. I have to do something for myself for once."

Slowly, Killian nodded. "Aye, I suppose you are right, love."

"I am." She knowingly teased.

"So, we work on ourselves." It came out more as a question, but she knew how he meant it. Killian continued. "We do what we need to and we try to be-"

"Friends." She finished for him. "It won't be the same as it was in the end. You have to understand, Killian, I don't really trust you right not. But than again, you probably don't trust me either. We just try to regain that trust that we used to have."

He nodded. "I knocked your walls down once, I will do it again."

"Okay." She said softly.

They both understood they had a long way to go-both individually and together. It would be a while before they had a chance at being the type of friends that they used to be. But Emma was a fighter and Killian was a survivor. If there was anyone that could do it, it was them.

* * *

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	12. Moribund

**_So, this chapter is not super focused on Emma and Killian, but moreso just moving along with the timeline and everyone involved. The next few chapters are really going to start dealing with the two of them and their friendship. Make sure to stay tuned!_**

* * *

 _Chapter 12: Moribund_

 _Emma threw herself into her studies, forgetting the stresses that she was dealing with and instead focusing on being a perfectionist about her grades. It was a good, and profitable, distraction, she concluded._

 _It had only been a few days since her fight with Killian and Emma half expected to hear from him again. She thought he would be the one to cave first, to admit that he was wrong and apologize. Emma knew that she herself had not been completely right, but she was a stubborn one. But Killian never stayed mad at her-normally after a few days he would come to her and convince her that they were being ridiculous and they would both get over it._

 _But not this time, clearly._

 _Her thoughts dispersed temporarily when she walked into the cafeteria. After four years, the food had not become any more appealing than it was at the beginning, but thankfully Emma had never been a picky eater. One could not be when they lived in the foster system. Dinner had never been a guarantee in her life. She never knew when her next meal was coming and learned to eat whatever was placed in front of her._

 _She saw a hand waving to get her attention and saw Regina and Robin sitting a table with a few other friends. Emma hesitated for a few moments before going to sit with them._

" _Emma," Regina said as soon as she sat down. "How late did Ruby come in last night?"_

" _Late." She answered simply before taking a bite of her grilled cheese._

" _That girl." She mumbled under her breath. "You think she'd be able to tame the she-wolf for a few days. Doesn't she have midterms?"_

" _Has that ever stopped her before?"_

" _Good point." Regina set down her fork. "I'm going to go get more water. Would either of you like anything?"_

 _Robin shook his head and Emma said "No, thanks" and took another bite of her sandwich._

 _After eating in silence for a few seconds, Robin said, "Killian mentioned to me that you two had a fight."_

" _Oh." Emma shrugged as if it were old news to her. "Really?"_

" _Aye. I just wanted you to know that it doesn't change things between us. Kil is pretty shaken up, but I am still your friend, even if he is not in the picture."_

" _Thanks, Robin."_

" _And if you want to talk, I am here. I might not be your first choice and all, but-"_

" _Robin," she cut him off. "It's okay. Killian and I just had a fight. We'll make up sooner or later. We always do."_

 _Robin nodded. "He just seems so-out of it. I can tell that he is trying to not let it affect him, but I think deep down it still is. He hates fighting with you, Emma."_

" _I hate fighting with him too. But friends fight. It's natural."_

 _Robin poked at his pasta with his fork, then pointed it at her while he talked. "You have a better outlook on this. That's just you though. You're smart whereas Kil is a bloody fool."_

 _Emma gave a small laugh. "He's definitely the more dramatic out of the two of us."_

" _He'll come around, don't worry." Robin said. "So far he has not downed an unhealthy amount of rum so I'd say we should be good."_

" _Alright then."_

 _Regina came back and started complaining about some freshman who could not work the soda machine. Her friends just laughed and continued on with their lunch._

* * *

Four years. Four long, hard years all led up to this moment. So many papers, projects, all nighters and cups of coffee. Hundreds of hours of reading and writing and an unhealthy amount of ramen noodles consumed contributed to today. Four long long years and it was all over.

She was graduating.

She was _finally_ graduating.

College had never seemed obtainable as a kid. As a foster kid, she always heard about the cost of college and assumed that that path would never be in the cards for her. She would get some small job and struggle for years until she was maybe, by the smallest of margins, be able to afford some classes at a community college and take several years to finally obtain a degree.

But here she was-twenty two and smiling-graduating college.

Regina, Robin, Mary-Margaret and Ruby, along with many of their other friends, were also graduating and her heart swelled with pride for each and every one of them. She knew that after today they would go their separate ways. Mary-Margaret would move back to Storybrooke, where she would work in the local elementary school as the speech therapist. They all knew she was ecstatic to be with David again after their long year apart. Regina was moving to New York City to make a name for herself in the business work and Robin would live about an hour or two away closer to the forest. Ruby had found a job close to the seaboard, only a few hours drive away from school.

Emma had been back and forth between two opportunities for weeks. Both were great options that Emma would be lucky to have. She had the option to do some assistant criminal profiling down in Virginia and another offer to provide counseling in the prison systems and to troubled teens here in Boston. Both were entry level jobs, but ones that Emma felt honored to be offered. She had put a lot of time and thought into her decision, but there was one option that just felt right to her.

"Don't know what the big ruckus is about." Will muttered at one point over the shouts of "congrats" to the graduates.

"It's called graduation, Will." Ruby remarked. "It's this thing where they celebrate the fact that you did four years of school and give you a diploma."

"He wouldn't know-" Killian piped in, joking with Will. "He hasn't used that diploma since they handed it to him. If I was not there, I would not even be so sure he graduated."

"Oi! Coming from the man that did not work for weeks and I had to support-"

"Will, I was in a bloody car crash and had amnesia and my employer still did not let me go. Says something, don't you think."

"Okay, you two." Memories of the year before when the two of them were fighting at their own graduation flooded in and Emma just smiled.

"I see that nothing has changed this past year." David, who had come down for Mary-Margaret's graduation, said. The petite graduate was tucked under his arm, one hand on his chest and the other on his back.

"It is amazing that they have not killed each other yet." Regina rolled her eyes.

"Speaking of amazing-" Mary-Margaret pulled out from David's embrace and looked up at him with a small, nervous, smile. "We have some news."

David nodded towards Mary-Margaret and she announced. "We're getting married!" and promptly pulled out her left hand, which she had earlier conveniently hidden behind David.

The girls rushed over to her, hugging her and looking at the ring while the guys slapped David on the back.

"When did you propose?" Emma asked after they all calmed down from the initial shock.

"Last night." David answered. "I've had it planned for months. We've talked about the future and I knew with her moving back home that I was more than ready."

"It was so romantic." Mary-Margaret gushed. "He took me out for dinner and than we went on this carriage ride and he popped the question there!"

"Look at you two, all grown up and getting married!" Ruby teased in a loud voice.

"Just because you want to sleep your way down the eastern seaboard." Ruby's grandmother, who was talking to David's mother, Ruth, close to the college student said loud enough for her granddaughter to hear. They all laughed.

"I'm sure it will be the first wedding of many." David got back to the topic on hand. "Regina and Robin can't be that far behind, right?"

"We've been together for two years, Charming." Regina said. "Don't get crazy. We've got a while before anything like that."

"Well," Mary-Margaret spoke in an effort to keep the peace, "at least we know we will all be reunited within the year. You all have to come up for the wedding!"

"I know the one place we have to go," Ruby stated. "Lunch. Granny is getting tired of waiting."

"Never been a patient one, has she been?" Will smirked earning him a glare from the older woman.

The group started to make their way out, being stopped by old professors and friends that wanted to say congratulations or get a picture. None of them complained-it was their graduation after all, a day worthy of celebration. While they were walking, Killian gently grabbed Emma's arm to get her attention.

"What about you, Swan?" He softly asked under his breath.

"What about me?" Emma questioned. "If you mean the whole marriage thing-"

"Calm down, Swan, I'm not proposing." He cut her off, his eyebrow raised and his voice teasing.

She gave him a look. He laughed and continued. "What I meant, love, is where is life taking you now that you have graduated?"

With a hum, Emma tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I got a job."

"Really, love?"

"You seem surprised."

"I'm not, Swan." He corrected her. "I never once doubted that you could do it. So, love, where are you going?"

"I'm staying." She said quickly. "In Boston. The job is around here. I know the area so I thought for my first year maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea to stick around here."

It was not a complete lie. Emma spent more years than she wanted to admit in Boston, shuttled from one home to another. She spent a few years reprieve in the West, but Boston had been one of the first places she had ever known.

Killian, strangely enough, had not been a deciding factor in her choice to stay, despite what everyone thought. The job intrigued her. She had fallen in a bad way as a child and wanted to make sure other teenagers did not make the choices she did. Throughout these past few months, she had learned that, despite her own brokenness, she was still able to help other people overcome theirs. The possibility of doing that for a job intrigued her.

"You're staying?"

"Yeah."

He smiled. "I think you'll like it here in Boston, love. There is something quite homey about it, don't you think?"

Homey was not the word Emma would use, but then again, what did she know about home? She had never had one and probably never would. Her temporary home for the past four years was gone and she was moving to another temporary home. Boston was safe-relatively speaking. She knew Boston, knew what she was getting into. She had a stable job, was able to get her treatment and there were even a few people there she knew. There was no risk at Boston. But Boston would never be her home. It was a reminder of abandonment. But the abandonment was something she would never forget, regardless of where she went. As for know, she needed a job and a place to live.

She shrugged. "It's okay. Gets really cold in the winter."

Killian laughed. They started walking a bit faster to keep up with their friends. He leaned over and whispered to her, "I'm happy you are staying, Swan."

"Me too."

* * *

 _ **Reviews?**_


	13. Slow Fade

**Super sorry that this chapter is late! Things have been insane. But to make up for it, I have started the next chapter early. I could be persuaded to upload it early, maybe with reviews? (Reviews are like a drug to me).**

 **Make sure to follow this story so you know when the next update is!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _Chapter 13: Slow Fade_

" _When he was sixteen, he absolutely refused to cut his hair!" Ruth told Emma and Mary-Margaret. "It was longer than mine!"_

" _It was not that long-" David mumbled defensively under his breath._

" _It was pretty long, honey." Mary-Margaret piped in and then turned to Emma. "I'll show you pictures later."_

 _Ruth, David, Mary-Margaret and Emma sat around the dinner table for their annual Christmas Eve dinner. It had worked out for Emma to go back to Storybrooke for the holidays one more time. Despite the fact that David was no longer at University, Ruth still insisted that Emma come and spend the holidays at her house. The older woman always treated Emma like a daughter and Emma cherished the time she had with her._

" _It's too bad Killian couldn't make it home this year." Ruth said after a bite into her green beans. "He always did love our holiday dinner."_

" _He told me he's spending the holiday's with Milah." David explained._

" _Are they going to see her family?" Ruth asked her son._

" _Don't know." He answered, then looked over to Emma in case she knew._

" _Uh, I think he said they were staying in town. She's got work and stuff."_

" _Huh." Ruth hummed. "Too bad."_

 _The rest of dinner went along without a hitch. Mary-Margaret and Emma talked about their semester and David talked about the past few months working all while Ruth listened with intensive ears. After dinner, the younger three offered to do the dishes so Ruth could relax for a bit. She argued at first, but finally gave in._

 _It was while they were washing dishes, hands soapy with water, that David asked Emma in a whisper, "When's the last time you talked to him?"_

" _Who?"_

" _Killian."_

 _Emma placed a plate in the strainer for Mary-Margaret to dry. "A few weeks maybe? We had a fight a while ago and I thought we would get over it by now, but I guess not."_

" _He's busy with Milah a lot, isn't he?" David asked in a hushed tone. "We used to skype a lot after graduation, but not so much anymore. He spends a lot of time with her, doesn't he."_

" _Well, she's his girlfriend."_

 _David gave her a knowing look. "What I meant was that he doesn't spend as much time with you all."_

 _Emma sighed. "Yeah. But he works and has a girlfriend-"_

" _No excuse. I don't know what's gotten into him."_

" _He'll talk to us eventually. He can't stay mad at me forever." Emma looked over her shoulder to see Mary-Margaret, holding a cup she had been supposed to been putting away, leaning against the back of the chair, looking at something the woman was showing her._

" _Enough about that, how are you and M?" Emma changed the subject. "I'm sure the distance is a killer."_

" _I hate it." He told her. "But it's only a few more months."_

" _You know, everyone back on campus is convinced you are going to propose to her on Christmas morning."_

 _David shook his head, reaching for a towel to dry his hands. "Not my style. Besides, I don't want to propose just to be separated for five more months."_

" _So, you're thinking about it?" Emma teased._

 _He rolled his eyes. "Of course I am thinking about it. We've been together for years. It's just a matter of time."_

" _I'm happy for you two," She told him with a smile._

" _You know, it won't be too long before you find someone and we are talking about your wedding-"_

 _Emma's groan cut him off. "We are not talking about this. I am more than happy being single right now, thank you very much."_

" _Whatever you say, little sis'." She shot a glare at him, causing him to laugh. "We just want you to be happy, Em. No matter what that looks like."_

" _You know what would make me really happy? Cutting into that pie. Go get your mom and girlfriend and I'll get the forks."_

* * *

Emma had a pen in her hand and too many thoughts in her head.

"So, Tessa, you're a junior this year, right?"

The young girl sitting across from her kept a cold look on her face. With long curly red hair framing her face and light blue eyes, the girl had a harshness about her that Emma understood too well. She clearly had seen far too much pain in her short life.

"Yeah." She grumbled under her breath.

"You're teachers have been noticing that your grades are slipping," Emma looked at her softly. "And they and your mom said that you've been getting into trouble lately? Is everything ok at school? What about at home?"

"Like you care," The girl bit back, "You're here to get a paycheck."

Emma leaned forward, crossing her arms and placing them on the table, "I was around your age when I got into trouble. I almost got my butt thrown in jail. They took pity on me and gave me community service instead of fines or jail time. If I was in this for a paycheck, I probably would not be here."

"So, "The girl leaned back, testing her. "Why are you here?"

"I am here to make sure that you don't make the same mistakes that I did. That you don't waste your time in high school. I'm here to help you, kid, but you've got to let me."

To that, she was met with a black stare. To most it would seem like failure, but Emma knew what it was. The girl had no smart remark to that.

It was not much, but it was progress. And Emma would take it.

* * *

"How's work been?" Killian asked Emma as he grabbed a gallon of milk and placed it into his shopping cart. He had called her that afternoon during her lunch break to see if she would be able to go grocery shopping with him. Will's car was in the shop and he was working a night shift, but their apartment was short on food. Plus, Emma was not exactly the best about keeping her own apartment well stocked.

"Good," She replied. "I started with a new client today. I think I'm making progress with her."

Emma had started her new job about a week after her graduation. She had been brought on to replace another employee who was taking maternity leave. Emma was to work in her position in the schools for the next few weeks until the students finished and then would work in different areas, such as group homes or other places for troubled teens.

"Brilliant, love. I knew you would be bloody amazing."

She smiled, pushing her own cart, the small kind with two tiny baskets, one over the other, so that she did not have to acknowledge his compliment. "How has work been for you?"

"Same old, same old." Was his dry reply. "Things are getting more hectic with the summer months approaching, however."

Emma hummed, grabbing a can of whipped cream.

"How's counseling going?" He asked casually.

She bit the inside of her cheek. Things like this were hard for her to talk about, especially with him. As much progress as they had made in the few weeks since he regained his memory, they still had a long way to go. She still struggled to talk to him about certain things, but pushed herself to, knowing it was best for not only their friendship, but her.

"Okay. Um, I have to meet with the new guy again on Tuesday, but he's pretty good. He wants to give me a prescription to take for a few months while he go through counseling and then wean me off."

"Good." Killian said. Whenever she talked about her depression, which was not to often, he acted casual and did not make a big deal out of things. He had always been like this though. In the beginning, that had been one of her favorite things about it. He did not put too much focus on the fact that she was a foster kid, he instead cared about her for her.

"I called Dave yesterday," Killian told her as he reached beside her to grab eggs.

"Really? How are they up there?"

"Good. Dave's working a lot and Mary-Margaret is trying to set up her classroom and get some wedding things done." He sighed. "I hadn't talked to Dave in a while so it was nice to catch up with him."

"He ask you to be his best man yet?" Emma teased.

"No, Swan. Have you been coerced into being the maid of honor?"

"Not officially."

"You know, Swan," He turned to her with a smug look, "there is an old tradition that the best man and the maid of honor-"

She shot him a look, "Don't even think about finishing that sentence."

He turned around to push his cart, heeding her warning. They had not talked about anything in that realm. Emma had not forgotten that he said he had feelings for her, but they both understood that when he said that, they were in no position to act upon those feelings. But it had been a few weeks since he regained his memory and they had made a lot of progress since than. They pushed each other and themselves not to withdraw when the stresses of life became too much or when the demons in their heads told them too. They made sure they were being intentional with each other and rebuilding their friendship.

Maybe a relationship was in the future for them, maybe not. Emma had made a lot of progress in her personal life, but knew she wanted to further tackle her depression before starting a real relationship. She still struggled with her depression. She had many bad days and her physical side effects were still present. She knew she had a long road on her own before she would be ready for anything like that.

He had made it clear he was willing to wait, but he also had to prove to Emma that he was not going to leave again. Until then, they needed to work on just being friends. Emma loved and valued their friendship and very much wanted this to work for them. She needed her best friend.

* * *

A week later, Emma walked out of the pharmacy with a white paper bag, pills shaking inside. The doctor thought it was best for her to take the meds during the first few weeks of her therapy session to see if she could get some relief.

Emma, naturally, fought back at first. She did not want the medicine to be the reason she made progress, but finally the doctor was able to explain to her that the pills were just helping her along her journey. She was ultimately the one who decided if she got better or not.

The past weeks since her diagnosis had been a struggle, but so was depression. Some days having the label felt like having a crutch and other days it seemed to be the heaviest weight on her shoulders. It was hard talking to others about it. Explaining it to any of her friends was impossible-it was like explaining music to a deaf man. Sure, they could grasp the general concept, but not the depth of it all. None of her friends, not even those closest to her, could completely understand all that was happening.

Mary-Margaret and Ruby had done a good job with keeping in contact with her and seeing how she was doing, both in general and with the treatments. With them being so far away, it was easy to lie to them and tell them things were fine. She had the option of not being open and honest if she chose, but she tried hard to fight against that. Part of her healing was learning to trust and keeping to herself would not help her do that.

She sent a quick text to Mary-Margaret and Ruby that she got the prescription and was starting part two of therapy later that week, before shoving her phone back into her pocket. It was awkward to open a conversation with that, but it was part of becoming open. This was the first step to not closing herself off to others.

Emma Swan had sky high walls, and soon they would start to crumble down.

* * *

 _ **Reviews? Remember the deal from up top- more reviews, the earlier the next chapter comes. And it is one you will not want to miss!**_


	14. Obverse

**So, here is the chapter! Not as early as I had hoped, but still a few days early. I started back at University this past week so things have been crazy. Because of that, I can not guarentee when the next chapter will be, but I do not intend to make you all wait to long. Besides, this chapter one a fun one to write and I believe you all will like it. I will have to follow it up soon!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _Chapter 14: Obverse_

 _With a satisfied huff, Emma plopped down on her bed and scanned her room. It was the beginning of the winter semester and she had just arrived back from Storybrooke with Mary-Margaret. Ruby was to get back later that week due to weather problems where she was._

 _Her last semester, she thought. Only about sixteen more weeks of living here, with these girls, being a college student. Only one more round of finals, of spring and Easter break and movie nights._

 _She was going to miss this place. It had been a temporary home for her for the past few years, a place where she had met so many people. She had grown here and learned more about life and herself here._

 _This year had been a trying one to say the least. The school work got harder, she had to focus on getting a job for after school, and she was fighting with Killian. She thought back to first semester finals season and how she had missed going to Granny's with him for the first time in years. But she still had other amazing friends who she would miss dearly come May._

 _Emma did not know what she hoped for for this semester. After this, she would be uprooted and forced to find yet another place to live. It was the constant cycle of her life that she was already to used to. After this semester, she had no clue what her life would like like, where life would take her, or with whom it would be._

 _The future had always been a scary prospect for her. As a foster child, she never knew how long she would stay in one spot, if she would be there the next week or month or even day. Coming to college had been a huge risk for her-she knew she could lose her scholarship at any moment if she slacked off. But now, standing at twenty-two nearing the end of her college career, she once again was faced with the question of what came next._

 _Emma Swan did not know where she would be five months from now. All she knew was she was a fighter. That skill had gotten her this far. It would carry her through._

* * *

The August heat still burned on her skin as Emma walked into work early one Monday morning. Her black skirt and pink blouse did nothing to combat the warmth. Normally, she would have preferred shorts and a tank top, but seeing as this was work, that would not do.

She did not know much about her first client for that day. His name was Ryan and this was not his first run in with the law. He had earlier been charged guilty with embezzlement. Shortly thereafter, he was arrested and then skipped town.

Walking into one of the counseling rooms, Emma saw Ryan sitting, an angry frown on his face. He had dark hair in a buzz cut, with a tall frame. He scowled down as Emma sat some papers down and then settled herself in another chair. She had already spoken with the person who brought him in and they informed her that he might be a handful.

"My, my," He looked up, scanning her over quickly, "You are much better than what I envisioned."

"So, Ryan, how are you today?" She ignored his comment.

His mood turned sour on a dime. "Well, let's see. It's eight something in the morning, I was fed garbage for breakfast and I am here talking 'bout my feelings. How do you think I am doing, blondie?"

"I can do without the attitude sir."

"Why am I even here?" He leaned back, raising his arms behind his head and swinging his one leg over the other. "I'm already caught. Arrest me already. Why waste our time playing games?"

"Because" Emma narrowed her eyes at him, "You decided to run and got caught. Now you've got a whole new set of charges on you. You know the deal."

He huffed. Emma jotted a few notes down before continuing. "Date you committed the crime?"

"September 17, 2015." He answered. Her superpower told her that he was not lying-yet.

"Date you skipped town?" In cases like this, she would ask a few preliminary questions just to feel out the person.

"Uh- September 24."

Emma hummed. "How were your finances at home?"

Ryan sat up. "Excuse me?"

"How were the finances?" She repeated. "Was money tight when you did it?"

Ryan relaxed again. "Not too tight.: He grumbled. "Had a few bills that weren't getting paid and we didn't exactly have wiggle room but-"

"Okay." She cut him off. The next few moments were silent except for the scribbling of her pen against the paper."How long you and your wife been married?"

"Four years."

"And what does she do?"

"Dentist."

"How did she find out?"

Ryan smirked. "Police I guess."

Emma sighed. "Did you have any contact with your wife after you skipped town?"

Ryan leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees, turning his head towards Emma. "Now, why would I do that?"

"I don't know. She's your wife? She has stood by you throughout this entire process. She was even willing to pay your bail once it was posted."

"I don't need money." He gritted under his teeth. "I've got my own."

"No, you don't." Emma corrected him. "And even if you did, you should be helping her. Take care of your family."

"What the hell do you know about family?"

Emma was taken back for a moment. She wanted to walk right over there and show smart guy Ryan who was boss, but hitting this idiot was not worth losing her job. But what did she know of family. Sure, she knew everything she had read in her textbooks and learned about in her college classes, with some information that was researched for projects sprinkled in there, but those were facts. She had not experienced family. Knowing about a family and knowing about family were two very different things.

Despite everything inside of her, Emma kept her cool. "Nothing." She muttered before moving on to the next question.

* * *

The first few times the knock on the door sounded, Emma could not hear it over the thoughts in her head.

Her feet pounded against the hardwood floor as she went to the door, swinging it open to reveal a smiling Killian, holding something against his body in his good arm.

"Evenin', Swan."

"Hey-" She breathed out, knowing that her voice sounded exhausted.

He put his hand out to her. "You forgot your charger at my place the other day." He explained. "I'm surprised you have not noticed yet."

She one hand through her hair, then grabbed the charger from him. "I have an extra cord and I just plugged it into my laptop. I figured I lost it at work or in the bug."

"Well, I thought I would stop by and give it to you on my way home from work."

"You drive today?" She asked him. After the accident, the doctors had been hesitant to put him back out on the road right away, mainly due to the physical therapy they were doing with his hand. But now, weeks later, he was relearning how to drive with only his one hand.

He shook his head. "Bus. I just got off a stop earlier to get this to you."

"Well, thanks-" Emma said in an awkward, hesitant voice, waiting to see if he would leave.

"You alright, lass?" He asked. Of course he would be able to tell that something was off. He, in his words, '"read her like an open book."

"Fine. I'm just tired."

"Emma, he tried again. "What's wrong?"

"Just a long day of work."

He looked past her into the apartment. "Emma, your home is clean. You never clean unless you are frustrated. You said it keeps you from breaking things."

"I'm fine, Killian." She turned around to put the charger down on the counter, half expecting him to just drop the subject and leave. Last time she had withdrawn from him, that was what he had done. So why should this time be any different.

To her surprise, he walked into the apartment and shut the door. It was unlike him to come in without an invitation, but today was different. "Emma, love, I know when something is bothering you. You can tell me, you know that."

"I'm fine, Killian." She insisted, leaning against the kitchen counter so she could see where he was standing a few feet away from her in the living room.

"Love, " He sighed. "I thought we were doing better. I thought we were getting closer-"

"I don't do close!" Emma all but yelled. "I try to get close to people and I get hurt. Or I hurt them. But I do not do close."

He remained calm, despite her outburst. Instead, he took a step towards her. "Swan, where is this coming from?"

Her shoulders sagged and she shoved her hands into the back pockets of the jeans she changed into after work. The oversized white shirt she was wearing caught on her hands as she did so. "This guy at work today. Some idiot who got caught for embezzlement and had way too smart a mouth. Anyway, I told him that if he had any money he should take care of family and he happily reminded me that I know nothing about family." She said quickly. "And don't even try arguing me on it because it's true. What do I know about family? I was an orphan my entire life. Still am. I'm not family material. I don't know how to get close to people. I don't know how to trust or see the best in people. And that is not even the depression, that is just me. That is something that is in me, Killian."

He was silent for a moment, going over his words in his head. "Emma, it does not matter if you had a family or not. You are capable of so much, love included."

She shook her head. "It's not that simple."

"My father walked out when I was-"

"Killian, I know the story."

He put up a hand. "Let me finish. I had a terrible father. My mother died when I was young. The only thing I ever knew of family was Liam, who was taken to soon from me too."

"Killian-"

"We all have demons, Emma." He continued. "But we can't stop living our lives because of them. I'm terrified of getting hurt. I've lost so many people. But the only thing that will help with the pain is living my life and trying to find my happiness."

"Everyone leaves, Killian!" Emma insisted. "What can I know of family if everyone leaves?"

Another step forward. "Bad people leave. People like Neal leave. You don't want people like him staying around."

"You left?" She was unsure if she should call it that. Was it leaving if she pushed him away? Did he really leave her or did she just perceive it that way?

"Aye, I did. And I knew I was a bloody idiot the minute I walked out that door." He confessed. "But I came back, Emma. I came back and I am trying to fix things. I am not leaving this time. You must know that I do not intend to let you down."

"Silence filled the apartment, until she finally whispered out, Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why stay?"

Killian gave her a small smile. "Because you are worth staying."

Emma looked up at him. He was one of the few people in her life that thought she, little old lost girl Emma, was worth staying around for. He saw the good in her. He trusted her. He pushed her to not withdraw. He understood her hurts and her struggles and her heart. He got her. He was the only person in her life who had ever just gotten her.

She moved towards him, slowly and hesitantly, and could read the confusion on his he knew what she was doing, she leaned against his chest and wrapped her arms around him. After a few moments, he pulled her tighter into his embrace.

"Thank you." She whispered against his chest. He hummed in response, pressing a small kiss against the top of her head.

She pulled back, and before her mind could tell her otherwise, raised herself on her toes and gave him a quick kiss to his lips. What was meant to be a quick peck turned into more, much on Killian's part. He was quick to embrace her once again, kissing her back fervently.

"That was-" He said in an airy whisper.

"Yeah." She responded at a loss for words. "I can't promise you that I won't try and pull away from you after this."

"Don't worry, love. I'll chase after you once again. I'd go to the end of the world, or time, for you."

She smiled nervously. "I'll try. To not withdraw. I really am working on it."

"That is all I ask, love."

* * *

 _ **Reviews?**_


	15. Dwindle

**I'm back! I am so sorry for the long wait for this chapter, but life has been crazy and it won't be letting up anytime soon. So that means I am not really sure when the next chapter is going to be out. My goal is to not make you guys wait to long. But I wanted this chapter to be up before season 6 came out so...here we are. And it's a bit of a fluffy chapter so I hope it was worth the wait. Hope you all enjoy!**

* * *

 _Chapter 15: Dwindle_

" _You're going and that's final."_

" _What are you my mother?" Emma fought back at the tall brunette standing in front of her._

" _No, that's me." Mary Margaret raised her hand from her spot on the bed. "She's your worst nightmare."_

" _I just think you should get out there Em!" Ruby reasoned. "It's the second semester of our senior year and you are not in a relationship."_

" _Did you ever think that the reason I am not in a relationship is I do not want to be in one?" Emma's hands moved instinctively to her hips._

" _No, I think it's because you are prickly." Ruby moved towards her. "You are going and it's final."_

" _Ugh." Emma threw her hands up in the air. "Fine. But you owe me big when this does not work out."_

" _Deal." Ruby clapped happily. "You'll love him, I just know it."_

 _Spoiler alert, but Emma did not love him. Not anywhere close. He had no manners, talked only about himself and strangely resembled a monkey. Emma is not sure she got more than two words in the entire time they were at dinner. And when Walsh if they could see each other again she did not even waste time with a polite cop out, instead telling him straight there was no future between them._

 _A tad prideful, Emma walked into the dorm that night and reminded Ruby and Mary-Margaret that she did not date and that she was more than fine with that. Emma Swan did not need anyone else. It had always been just her and that was not going to change any time soon._

* * *

Despite every promise she made, Emma Swan was a runner, through and through.

Not even one day after she had kissed Killian was she avoiding him like the plague. It was what she did. She did not know if she was hiding out of fear of commitment or awkwardness, but she found every excuse not to see him.

Killian, knowing her as well as he did, did not take long to figure out something was up. He gave her her space though, at first, hoping to let her work through it herself, but once he saw what she was really doing, he pushed her to open up.

" _Swan, you must trust me."_

" _Of course I trust you." She insisted._

" _Than why are you pulling away from me?"_

" _Because, everyone leaves, Killian." She yelled at first, than lowered her voice. "I don't think I can do this."_

" _How many times do I have to tell you, love, I'm not going anywhere?"_

Having a relationship, or whatever they classified as, while having depression was no simple task, as Emma was learning. All of her previous fears that she brought with a relationship were heightened. She withdrew more, did not trust well, and her walls just got higher and higher.

As hard as her depression fought at her mind, though, Killian fought harder.

The day after their not so discreet conversation in which he once again told her that he would not leave her until she told him to, she went against what everything in her head was telling her, and marched herself into Granny's where she knew he would be after a long day at work, winding down with fries and a beer, playing darts. Confusion played on his face until she nervously stuttered, asking him out on a date. His face lit up, though he tried to conceal it and play it cool.

" _If I remember correctly, I should be the one asking you out."_

" _Must be the amnesia. They say sometimes it has long lasting effects."_

They both knew that her asking him out was her way of overcoming her own demons and trying to push forward with-whatever they were. She was just thankful he had joked with her, thus calming her nerves and eventually agreed to a date, on the condition that he planned the evening.

She did not tell Ruby or Mary-Margaret that she was having a date-why would she? What was she even supposed to tell them? Her and Killian were not dating. They had kissed once and were just going on one date. It was not a big deal. She had no clue if this would even work. Maybe after one date they would decide that they were better off as friends.

Emma did not know what expectations she had for this date. The vast majority of her first dates had been duds, so that was all she knew. She really liked Killian though and did not want to mess this up. Emma was really scared that this one date would mess up their friendship. Was she even ready for a relationship? She had not been in one in years. And at the same time she was dealing with her depression and her job and just being an adult. Was she really ready for all of this?

She pushed those thoughts out of her head as she smoothed her hands over a light pink dress that she pulled from the back of her closet. She did not know if she was ready for a relationship, but she did now one thing-she had to get ready for this date.

* * *

The knock at the door started Emma's nerves and pulled the thoughts from her head.

She had been somewhat nervous all afternoon, but now everything seemed like it was going in slow motion as she overanalyzed the situation. Was she doing the right thing? Was she going to ruin their friendship? Was this the best thing for her? Would this help her heal? Was she just being selfish and thinking about herself? Could they even really do this?

There was no time to internally answer those questions because before she could she swung open the door to reveal Killian, dressed in tight black jeans, a black dress shirt and a vest. His hair was the perfect combination between messy and combed and his eyes filled with wonder when he saw.

"Swan, you look stunning."

"You look-"

"I know."

She snorted. Typical Killian. She grabbed her purse from the table beside her and said to him, :Ready?"

"As ever, mylady."

She did her best not to roll her eyes at him. "So, are you finally going to tell me what we are doing Mr. 'I have to plan the date?'"

"Patience is not your strong suite, is it love?" He asked her, his hand swinging beside him. They both could feel the tension-do they hold hands? Do they not? How physical is to phsycial for your first date? Do those rules even apply when this is your best friend whom you've known for four years?

"Never has been, never will be." She followed him outside the building to the car he was walking to. "You drive tonight?"

"You didn't expect us to bloody walk to the restaurant, did you now love?" His voice was still playful.

"No, I just-"

"Swan, I know I only have one hand but I can still drive a car."

She was quick to respond, a bit of a bite to her voice. "That's not what I meant."

There was a lull of silence as they stood there staring at each other, waiting for the other to respond. He sighed. "I know, love. I'm sorry. I overreacted."

"It's okay." She nodded. "We should get going though. I'm starving."

He opened her door. "After you milady."

* * *

"What do you think, Swan?"

"I like that it's not Granny's" she said with a chuckle in her voice. It was true, it was not Granny's that he had chosen, instead a fancy Italian restaurant that she had mentioned once or twice.

"Love, we go to Granny's as an escape from school or stress," He reminded her. "I had to do better than that." They were led to their table and, ever the gentleman, he pulled out her chair for her, before moving across the table, shrugging off his jacket and sitting opposite from her. They ordered-no drinks much to Killian's dismay- and they waiter left them to themselves.

"So," Emma started out. "How is work?"

He reached across the table with both hands, taking hers with his good one and laying the other one done. "Love, I didn't bring you here to talk about work. I brought you here to show you a good time."

"I don't really know what I am supposed to do." Emma confessed, not removing her hands from his grasp. "It's been awhile since I've been on a date."

"Just be yourself. She's the one I want to be with tonight."

Emma blushed and joked, "I guess we can skip the whole 'get to know you section', right?" to get the attention off of her.

"I don't believe I know everything about you, love. There is still much to learn."

"Please," She rolled her eyes. "You act as if you know what I am thinking before I do."

He gave out a laugh. "Right you are, Swan. We must just be very connected." When she did not respond, only letting out a small chuckle, he continued. "You know I am right, Swan. We have something special. There is a connection here, right?"

"Of course." She rushed in. It killed Emma that she was so unable to show her feelings for him, leaving him unsure of how she felt. "Of course we do, it's just-" She sighed. "Be patient with me, okay? I want this to work, but I'm not going to be a relationship expert overnight."

"I understand, Love. I don't want to push you for what you are not ready. But I must ask the same of you. I am figuring this out all the same. I must admit, despite my devilishly handsome good looks and demeanor, I do not know what I am doing."

There was an awkward pause in their conversation as the waiter came and gave them their smiled at him and thanked him before he left to finish his job. Killian removed his good hand from hers, reaching for his drink and lifting it up towards her.

"To figuring this out together?"

She copied his motion with a grin on her lips as she whispered. "To figuring this out together."

* * *

They enjoyed their meal and then he insisted, most likely from not wanting their night to end, that they walk around the pond in the nearby park. Since she knew she was not ready for this night to be over, she readily accepted.

It got late and they both knew they should call it a night. They had work in the morning and needed to be somewhat functional. Killian, the gentleman he was, insisted on walking her up to her apartment door, even though she told him it was alright if he just dropped her off. She couldn't say she was to disappointed though.

"Not bad."She said slowly as they approached her door.

"Not bad?" He teased, his eyebrow raising. "As far as first dates go, I think that would be more than not bad."

"You're right. It was okay."

His goofy smile turned serious. "I was worried my outburst earlier might have cast a poor. I apologize if-"

"Hey," She cut him off and placed her hands on his chest, than proceeding to run them down his arms and take his good hand in her and placing her other hand around his wrist. "It's okay."

"Well, I promise that next time, our date will be more than okay." His smile returned.

"Next time?" She leaned back a bit. "I don't remember asking."

"That's because it's my turn. Will you go out with me again?"

Their long, slow kiss was all the answer he needed.

* * *

 ** _Reviews?_**


	16. Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

**Sorry about the long wait (again). This semester has been absolutely insane. My hope is to get this story finished by the end of the year, but we will see what happens.**

 **You are all literally going to hate me, but trust me, okay? I've got a plan. You'll just have to stick around to see what happens. I will make a deal with you though and say that I will try to get the next chapter out soon so you do not have to wait to long.**

 **And, shameless announcement, I know, but since we are in the middle of our Aladdin arc on the show, I thought I would tell you that this amazing band, Anthem Lights, just did an Aladdin medley and it is beautiful. You should go check it out and tell me in the comments what you think.**

 **Hope you enjoy! See you (I hope) soon!**

* * *

 _Chapter 16: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back_

 _At age seven, Emma got lost inside a grocery store. Her older, foster brother was supposed to be watching her, but only being ten, he was easily distracted by the in the candy isle. She walked aimlessly through the store, dodging her way in between tall adults and shopping carts. When a mother with two young kids stooped down, bending her knees so she was on Emma's level, asked her where her parents were, Emma simply responded, with no emotions in her voice, she did not know. When the lady asked where she had seen them last, she told her nowhere and walked away, until she ran into her foster mother._

 _She got sent back to the group home two days later._

 _When she was fourteen, she tried to teach herself how to shoplift. Nothing major. A bag of chips here. A box of cereal there. She was not to skilled though, as pointed out by Lily. Lily taught her how to sneak out of the store with food hidden under her jacket. They were a dynamic duo, stealing treats and snacks that most kids begged their parents to buy._

 _The dynamic duo's shoplifting days ended shortly thereafter when they were found out._

 _She did not shoplift again consistently until Neal came into the picture. Between fourteen and seventeen, she would steal on occasion, when she was really hungry. She rationalized to herself that it was stealing or starving and that if the people knew, maybe they would understand. Deep down, though, she knew that they would not._

 _Neal told her it was fun to steal. They started out small-candy bars, key chains, and trinkets. She always felt a certain knipping feeling in her belly, something telling her that what they were doing was not right. She was no longer stealing for food, but for fun. When Emma brought this concern up to Neal, he brushed it off, saying she was too sensitive and that they were just having a bit of fun. What was the worst that could happen?_

 _Emma could be sent away, that was what could happen._

 _It happened three weeks later._

 _Needless to say, Emma Swan did not have the greatest experiences with grocery stores. Even now, as an adult, she still felt a sick sense of nostalgia when she entered one. Her senses were heightened, but really, she never let them relax. Emma Swan was always on alert._

 _And that was why, within seconds of seeing the dark mop of hair, ruffled back with a body clad in black, she knew who it was and felt her body tense._

" _Killian's over there." Ruby nodded to the outside of the aisle as she reached for another microwavable Mac and Cheese cup._

" _Really?" Emma practically hummed and turned her head slightly to where Ruby had motioned._

" _You gonna go say hi to him?"_

 _She readjusted the red grocery basket she had hanging on her arm. "Why would I?_

 _Ruby shrugged. "Does that mean I get to kill him?"_

 _Emma glared at her, making the brunette laugh and she moved to the end of the aisle. Emma walked slowly with her, but stopped for a moment when she felt her hand, shaking slightly. It was not more than a twitch. Emma was not one to shake, not even from caffeine or stress. She shoved the hand in her pocket, telling herself that it was just school and the unholy amount of stress everyone had been under._

 _(For the rest of her night, there was a voice in the back of her mind that told her the shaking was something more. That it meant something like all of the other symptoms she had been experiencing that she choose to ignore. But Emma told that voice to shut up.)_

* * *

Today had been a hell of a day. She was late for work, forgot her coffee at home, her clients were less than peaceful and to top it off her counselor was trying her on a new medicine that she was almost certain was not working. All she wanted to do was go home, eat and watch Netflix on the couch until she passed out.

Sounded like a good, healthy plan to her.

The minute she walked in the door she threw her stuff on the floor, all but slammed the door and made her way to the kitchen to retrieve the burrito bowl she had left over from last night's dinner. She popped in the microwave and went to her room to change from her pencil skirt and heels to baggy sweats and an old t shirt, throwing her hair up in a ponytail before she went to silence the beeping microwave by grabbing her food. She plopped herself down on the couch, pick up the remote, and zoned out.

This. This was good. It was easy. She did not have to think about everything going on and how she would eventually have to fix it. She could just sit here, and immerse herself into a fake world where, within the hour, everything would work out.

About halfway through her episode, a knock came at the door, causing Emma to groan. She turned down the volume, but stayed put, hoping whoever was there would just leave. But after a few seconds of silence, a second knock came, louder this time. Emma groaned, placing her food on the table in front of her and throwing of her blanked as she trudged to the door.

"What?" Emma questioned as she threw open the door, not bothering to see who was on the other side.

Because of course it would be Killian.

"Why, hello love." He said, obviously detecting something was off, but not mentioning it right away. "Don't you look lovely."

"Thanks." She said, to quick. "Did you need something?"

He seemed taken back by her question. She knew he did not deserve her attitude, but she was just not in the mood for romantic words or gestures. It had been a rough day and she really just needed to be alone.

"I'm here to pick you up. We were going to go to the-"

"Movie." Emma finished his sentence. "Crap, I completely forget."

Emma and Killian had only been out once since their first date. It was a simply picnic in the park on a Sunday afternoon. Per her request, they were taking things slow, giving Emma time to back out if she needed to. So far, she had not run yet. She was terrified yes, but out of every scary thing happening to her right now, this thing between them might have been the safest.

"I see." His voice was not judgemental, but agreeing. By the look in his eyes she could tell that he was thinking through what he was going to say next. "Is everything alright, love?"

"Yeah, everything's fine."

"Emma-" He said in a knowing voice. "I know you. I jnow when something is up. It is not like you to forget something."

"Killian-" She started. A sharp pain shot through head and she closed her eyes and gritted her teeth together. She placed her hand on the wall to balance herself.

"Emma!" She could faintly hear Killian say. "Emma, love, what's wrong?"

After a few moments with no answer from her, she felt his hands on her arm and back. Slowly, as not to scare her, he wrapped her one arm around his shoulder and picked her up, moving her to what she assumed was the couch. She felt him set her down and could hear his footsteps retreat into her kitchen.

Emma slowed her breathing and placed her head in her hands until the pain passed and she was able to open her eyes. Her psychiatrist mentioned the possible side effects of her new medicine-dizzy spells being one of them, but this was the first time she felt the shooting pain through her skull and her vision blurred. It was terrifying.

Killian came back, a glass of water in hand, and a small smile on his lips. "You alright love?" His voice nervously asked as she took the water from him and he sat lightly on the coffee table in front of her.

She nodded, "It's a side effect of the new meds."

"New meds" She could tell he was both confused and hurt. She had never mentioned the new medication or the trouble she had been having with them.

Emma sighed and placed the water down. "I started a week ago."

"And when were you planning on telling me?" In his defense, he did not sound condemning.

"I wanted to see if it would work before I mentioned anything."

"Well, clearly it didn't." He muttered.

"Killian-"

"Emma, you almost bloody fell over!" He argued, running a hand through his hair with a sigh. "Emma, those pills are not helping you."

She did not say anything, instead grabbed her glass and walked into the kitchen to get more water. She could feel him staring at her, but let the running of the faucet drown out the silence.

"Emma, say something."

She shut off the water, stalked over the the counter and placed her water down. "What do you want me to say, Killian? Huh? That the meds aren't working? Because I knew that already! I've known that for four days, but my doctor says I need to try the meds for at least two weeks so what am I supposed to do?"

He was left shocked by her sudden outburst. "Emma-"

"No." She cut him off. Her voice was quieter this time, but sterner. "Because you don't get it. It doesn't even matter that this pill doesn't work because they can just put me on another one, right? No. Because the chances of me having side effects with that one is high too. All of these damn pills come with side effects that I am just going to have to put up with. I am going to have to choose what is worse. The side effects or the depression."

The tension lingered and he sat still on the coffee table.

"Killian, I'm-"

"No, you're right. I should know. I should know these things. You came to all of my bloody appointments and learned about my amnesia and how you could help with it. I need to do the same with you now."

"That's not what I was saying." Emma sighed.

"I know, love." He stood. "But I've told you many times that I want this to work. But I need to show you. Maybe this is how."

She crossed her arms and leaned against the counter. "Killian, I won't heal overnight. I have more therapy and meds and I don't even know what. It could be a few weeks, but it could be longer." She breathed out a low breath. "I can't give you what you want right now. I can't give you a serious relationship."

"Emma, I just want you."

"I know." A hot tear rolled down her face. "I want this to, but Killian I have to get healthy. I have to do what's best for me."

"Emma, are you saying-"

"I need a break, Killian." She looked at the floor. She could not bear to look at him. "I'm not ending things because I want this. I want you. I want a relationship with you. A good one. But I can't have that right now. I need to get healthy. I need my best friend. I can't ruin our relationship because I couldn't give you what you needed because I wasn't ready to give it. I just need time, Killian. I need time to be me again."

"Then time you shall have." His voice was thick with emotion, but she could tell he was keeping it together for her. "I told you I would be there be there for you like you were there for me. I told you I would do whatever it took to prove to you that I would not leave. I will wait for you, Emma. I promise."

It wasn't until he wrapped his arms around her that she let rest of her tears fall out. She cried over a disease that was ruining her life. She cried over not being able to get everything she ever wanted. She cried over hurting him.

"Thank you" She whispered and, in response, he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

She smiled, a small, sad, broken smile, but a smile nonetheless, because she wanted to get better now more than ever.

* * *

 _ **Reviews?**_


	17. Gravitation

**Back! The semester is over and the story is back! Sorry for making you wait (again). The story is almost over though. Only a few more chapters. This one and the next one go together. They will deal with Emma's recovery more than anything, show her progress a week at a time. And do not worry, we will be getting to some romance soon!**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _Chapter 17: Gravitation_

" _Why is spring semester always so long?" Ruby groaned._

" _Because we do not get a break until Spring break?" Emma looked up from her studying._

" _It's only February and I already feel like I am dying."_

 _Emma shut her book. "One more semester." She stood up and walked over to her whiteboard and wiped off an assignment from her to do list._

" _I'm still always shocked that you have that list. You never struck me as a to do list kind of person. Next thing you'll be telling me you color coordinate your notes."_

" _Funny." Emma turned around. "I'm not Mary-Margaret. I just now if I did not have a list, I would probably forget to due something. And I've got a scholarship to keep. Not turning in homework normally does not help with that."_

" _Whatever Miss OCD."_

 _Emma didn't respond. She did not even allow the comment to go through her brain, because after all the thoughts going around in her head, she would over analyze it. She was just doing what she needed to do to keep her grades up. She was doing this her freshman year. It was nothing new._

 _Besides, crossing something off that list made Emma feel accomplished. And some days, she just needed that._

* * *

Week One

For someone who ran as much as Emma, she was a bit of a stranger to the gym. She blamed her upbringing, the fact that she could never afford a place like that. But she has a bit of money from her income and it was to cold in the current Boston winter to run outside.

So, she found herself, very outside her comfort zone, running on a treadmill, earbuds in, blocking everything out. Emma Swan never envisioned herself being the person that went to the gym after work, yet her she was, surrounded by who she assumed were gym junkies, getting in their fix after a long day at work. But if this had even the slightest possibility of helping her, Emma was all for it.

After her breakup with Killian, a little over a week ago, Emma knew she wanted recovery more than anything. She scheduled an appointment with her doctor where they talked about a new medicine and about any self help tip Emma could do on her own time. Emma furiously took notes, willing to do whatever it took. Depression might be tough, but Emma Swan was much much tougher.

First thing on the list, working out. Apparently that "runner's high" was a real thing. It would not cure her completely, but the physical activity was supposed to giver her temporary relief. Her doctor also told her it would help with her sleeping, another thing she has struggled with as a result of her disease, and that she might finally be able to kick those sleeping pills out of her life.

So, Emma pulled out her athletic clothes and her old pair of sneakers she probably had not used since that charity run Killian convinced her to do with him back in her sophomore year of college. She made an upbeat playlist, threw her hair up, and got to work. It was not that she was a lazy person who never worked out, but she had been a college student for the past four years of her life and that normally takes the time and energy from a person. She was active enough, just not consistently.

That was about to change, she told herself. She would run miles if it meant the depression would stop, even just for a moment.

Everyday she would step on a treadmill and outrun the demons.

* * *

Week 2

"I wasn't quite sure the Emma Swan even knew what a vegetable was."

"Shut up."

" _And_ she cooked! I'm bloody sure I am in the twilight zone."

Emma smirked at him as she strained the broccoli and poured it into a bowl. "It's a good thing you have your job at the maritime because I'm pretty sure the comedy career won't work for you."

"You sure, Swan?" He feigned hurt. "Because I was thinking of quitting my job and running of to Vegas. I could be a big name one day, love."

"Cute." She mocked and brought the bowl of vegetables over to the table where they would have dinner. Things were not as awkward as she thought they would have been after their breakup. He was true to his work and stuck by her side, supporting her in her treatment. The feelings were still there, sure, but she liked to think of this time as "taking a break" instead of breaking up for good.

"I know I am, love." He wagged his eyebrow. "But I prefer the term devilishly handsome."

"And I prefer not to eat cold food so if we could eat-"

"As, who am I to stand between a Swan and her food."

They sat down at her table, him still in his work clothes and her in sweats, opposite of each took a bite and looked up at her, almost shocked. "It's good, Swan."

"Don't look so surprised." She said in between bites of her own.

"I'm not love."

"It's not like it's some gourmet meal. It's some chicken I threw in the oven and managed not to burn and some broccoli I boiled."

"Swan, in the years that I've known you I can count on one hand the amount of times you've cooked. Let me be proud."

She ignored the last part of his comment. "Yeah, well, the doctor said that these are foods that help. Apparently vegetables do more than bear claws."

"So, you listen to him when he tells you to eat your vegetables, but me you punch?"

"You practically took the bear claw out of my hand and replaced it with some grapefruit. And I did not punch you, drama queen." She says in memory of the time that they were at some cabin during the summer, at Mary Margaret's insistence. Ruby ran to the next town over to grab something she forgot to bring and surprised everyone with donuts for breakfast, since they were all dying on David and Killian's "camp" food. Killian, however, was not to keen on the idea.

"The bruise I had on my shoulder would have agrued otherwise." He replied with a chuckle. "But, I'm happy for you, Swan. How are things going, overall?"

"I'm sleeping better. And he started me on some new meds and I'm not throwing up and having headaches like some of the others so I guess it's pretty good."

"Making progress, are we?"

She gave him a small smile. "I suppose I am."

* * *

Week Three

"Emma!" The brunette squealed as Emma swung the door open. She was happy she was doing this. Her doctor that staying connected to good people helped with her progress. And while Killian had been wonderful and supportive with her, and Will had been a familiar face, sometimes a girl just needed-

"Girl, you look amazing. You've got a glow about you. You're seeing someone, aren't you? You are dating and not even telling me! How dare you!"

It was good to see that the coast had not changed Ruby at all.

"Ruby, calm down, you're speaking a mile a minute." She laughed. "We have all weekend."

Her friend's hands instinctively found her hips. "Well, I'm sorry I haven't seen my best friend in months!

It was the first time Emma and Ruby had seen each other since Anna's wedding in July. It had been a long few months without each other, so Emma decided to take the first move and invite Ruby to spend the weekend with her. Weekend meaning mainly Saturday because all they would be able to do today, Friday, was get dinner. If Ruby got her way, they might end up at a bar. Ruby would have to drive back home on Sunday, though, to be back in time for work on Monday morning.

Emma rolled her eyes. "We don't need to be at the restaurant until seven, so sit down." She grabbed Ruby's bag and led her into her apartment. "How's work going?"

"Ugh." Ruby groaned as she plopped herself down on the couch. "My boss is a pain. Right now I am just doing a lot of paperwork with the firm that hired me. But-" Ruby sat up, excited. "There is this woman I met who has her own shop. Fancy clothes store that all the rich people buy things at. Way out of our league. But, her partner just left because she moved and she thinks I'd be a good replacement!"

"Ruby! That's amazing!"

"It would start out as an internship." She settled. "If I got it, I would have to work my way up somewhat, but it is an amazing opportunity."

"It sounds like it." Emma smiled. "I'm proud of you, Rube."

"Thanks, Em." Her friend leaned back, slowly, as put both of her arms on the back of the couch. "So, what about you?"

"Work's good. Some of the clients are tougher than others, but it's expected. I like it there though."

Ruby hummed. "And treatments?"

"I started a new med since the last time we talked. I'm responding better to it."

"No side effects?"

"Less. We'll see how it treats long term. I've been doing a lot of extra stuff to help too. Running and eating healthy and stuff."

"You're amazing, Em." Ruby gleamed. "We are all so proud of you."

Emma blushed, muttering a "thanks" under her breath. Compliments still were not her strong suit.

"So,-" Ruby started. "Your love life?"

"Ruby-"

"Come on, Emma, there has got to be someone. I mean, you're gorgeous."

She shook her head with a laugh. "What about you, then, huh? Miss Model?

"No way, missie. We are talking about you first."

"Oh. So, there is something to talk about for you." Emma teased.

"I hate you, you know that." Ruby groaned. "Ugh, his name is Victor-" Her hand shot up. "And before you start, it has been one coffee. Nothing serious. We are just getting to know each other."

"I didn't know Ruby did the whole "get to know you" thing. I thought she just went for the kill."

"I'm twenty-three now, Emma." Ruby joked in a fake serious voice. "I have to be mature. And enough about me, you. Go."

Emma sighed. "I am not seeing anyone currently-"

"So you were?" Ruby cut in.

"Will you let me finish?" Ruby put her hands up in surrender. "Anyway, as I was saying, I am not seeing anyone currently, but

"It's Killian, isn't it?"

"That obvious?" She questioned.

"That." Ruby said. "And the fact he mentioned it to Dave. Nothing serious, just that you two were hanging out more. And Dave told his wife and she told me. And I put two and two together. So, what happened?"

"We went out." Emma told her story. "We both finally admitted we had liked each other for years and decided we would try. And it was nice. He was the perfect gentleman, of course." She paused, remembering how sweet and kind he had been. "I ended it a few weeks ago though. I...I still wanted it. I still do and so does he. I just needed to focus on getting better. We will have a talk when I am doing better."

"You did right thing. You have to take care of yourself. I am really proud of you."

"Thanks, Ruby."

"And," Ruby stood up. "When you beat this, and you two get back together, I call being the maid of honor at your wedding.

Emma laughed, standing to, going to grab her jacket so they could leave for the restaurant. "We'll see, Ruby."

* * *

Week four

The tapping of her pen was the only sound in the room.

"So, Tessa," Emma broke the silence, hoping to get through to the girl. "How are things at school?"

"Fine." The girl muttered.

Emma sighed. She had been working with Tessa for months, reciveving her file very early on in her job. She was yet to make any significant progress with the girl, though. A coworker of Emma's told her that she had worked with Tessa the previous year and to not get her hopes up. The girl was a tough case. That made Emma want to break through even more. Emma had been the "tough case" when she was child.

"Okay, let's do something else. You haven't told me a lot about home. How many siblings do you have?"

"One."

"Brother or sister?"

"Sister."

"Older or younger?"

"Why do you-"

"Older or younger?" Emma simply repeated again.

"Younger. Her name's Mia.

"You close with Mia?"

"We get along. We fight, but that's what siblings do. She's my closest friend though."

Emma smiled. It was the most Tessa had said in a while. She was getting somewhere.

"I always wanted a sister. A big one I could steal clothes or CD's from or a little one I could boss around." Emma told her.

Tessa let out a dry laugh, her face still emotionless. "Mia is ten. The bossing her around thing stops working after a while, but the annoyingness does not stop."

Emma chuckled. "What about your parents?"

"My mom works a lot." Tessa said quickly.

"Your father?"

Tessa shook her head. "Not in the picture."

"I'm sorry."

Tessa shot Emma her "Yeah right" face. "He walked out when I was twelve." The girl said, almost like she was telling herself the story.

"Were you close with him?" Emma set down her pen. Whatever Tessa would say from this point, was pretty sure she would remember.

"Nah. He wasn't that great a dad to begin with. He would beat my mom when he was drunk. He'd tell me what I screw up I would be. He told me I was crazy." The girl's face was still stoic, but Emma could tell the memories hurt. She knew from her own experience that the memories hurt.

Emma leaned forward. "I'm crazy you know?"

That caught Tessa off guard. "What?"

"I don't think I am, but I guess other people do. I've got depression." Emma explained. "I don't think that depression makes you crazy, but there are whole lot of people who do. People who do not really get it.

"My father wasn't in the picture either." Emma continued. "Neither was my mother. I grew up in the foster system. Not a fun place. But there was this one guy, Ralph. He was older and just a terrible foster father. He took us all in because of the money. He used to tell me that I was gonna be crazy when I was older. That I would be lucky if I did not have issues and that there was no way I would ever amount to something. He wasn't the only one who said it. Every statistic did. And sure enough, I grow up and I have depression."

"Why are you telling me this?" Tessa asked her.

"Because, you and I are similar. We both got people telling us we can't do it and we both have our fair share of issues. I want to see you do well, Tessa. I do. I want to get better and enjoy my life and I want you to enjoy your's too. I don't want you to get into trouble or fall into the wrong crowd like I did. Trust me, kid, it's not fun. I want us to fight. To kick back at life and show it that we are tougher than anything that it has to throw at us. You up for figuring out a way to do that?

Tessa stared at her, waiting a few seconds before softly saying, "Yeah," with a small smile on her face. The first smile Emma could remember seeing from the girl during the entire time she worked with her.

That night Emma would pull out her "Beat This" to do list. The one she made after a doctor's appointment with everything she would do to help her get better. She pulled out a pen and crossed off _Make someone smile._

Emma was one hundred percent better, and still had a while to go, but there were still more things on her list.

* * *

 _ **Reviews?**_


	18. Constant

**Another Chapter? What is this?**

 **Hope you all had a wonderful holiday season! Thanks to the break, I am able to focus on the story. It is insane to think that it is almost over. There will only be a few more chapters. Make sure to follow me so you do not miss my next multi chapter story. It should come out shortly after Retrograde ends.**

 **This chapter follows somewhat the same layout as last chapter, but it was a time jump. It jumps to week eight. I wanted to focus on that instead on gleaning over the other weeks. Hope you enjoy it. Stay tuned for the next chapter!**

* * *

 _Chapter 18: Constant_

 _Emma threw the last bag in her car, a newly acquired yellow bug she had had her eyes on since she was a little girl. She rationalized with herself that she would need a car for work, no matter where she ended up. The money she had acquired from working summers, spring breaks, and virtually any chance she got finally added up and she was able to scrape by to get a halfway decent car._

" _It's our last break." Ruby huffed. "You should be celebrating with me."_

" _And I will." Emma slammed her trunk. "On Thursday." I'm driving down to Philly today to look at some jobs and then I will meet you at the shore on Thursday and we will be back at school by Monday. I have it all figured out."_

" _Even on breaks you studious." Ruby muttered under her breath._

" _Not studious, responsible. Which I need to be so I do not end up living in a box under a bridge."_

" _Em, that would never happen. At the very least, you can live in a box in my backyard." Her friend teased._

" _I'll see you in a few days, okay? Don't do anything stupid."_

 _Ruby smirked. "You know who you're talking too?"_

 _Emma laughed. "I thought it was worth a try." The two girls shared a quick hug before Ruby disappeared back into the dorm to get herself ready to leave for break. Emma jumped in her car, turned on the radio, and set off._

 _It did not take long for her mind to wander. She had a restless brain, always had. She blamed the fact that she spent too much time along as a child with nothing to do. It did not seem real that in less than two months she would be done with college, the only place that resembled a home, and be separated from her friends, the only people who resembled a family._

 _It would be nice to not have to deal with the stress of papers and projects and reading and assignments, though. Maybe now she could actually get a good night's sleep._

 _Not likely though._

 _This was the first Spring Break she had not spent with Killian, she thought. She did not think of him often, only every now and then when it was silent and everything was still. He was happy though and she was, well, she was living. Maybe some people are just not meant to last. It was good while it lasted._

 _In a few weeks, she would never have to see him or talk to him again. It felt weird. She would keep up with Mary-Margaret and Ruby and everyone else through texts and skype, but it would be different with him. Sure, they were Facebook friends. She was not that petty that she deleted him the minute they had a fight, and clearly neither was he. But he was more one of those random friends Emma did not actually talk to in real life. Like, Chad from her freshman English class who she had not talked to since than or Mia, a girl she sold a book to once. Plus, neither of them were interested enough in social media to it to actually be a valuable way to keep in contact._

 _But she would not have to see him, not to have to worry about running into him at the grocery store or the gas station. She would leave this place and never look back. She had no reason too._

 _She turned up the radio, hoping it would flush out her thoughts, and sang along softly, "Dreaming about providence and whether mice or men have second tries…"_

* * *

Week 8

"So, Emma, how have things been since we last met?" The therapists asked.

"Honestly?" Emma took a breath. "Not bad. Pretty decent actually."

"Really?" He raised a brow. "How is the prescription working?"

"Good. It's taking care of most of the extreme feeling and most of the effects."

"And side effects?"

Emma pursed her lips. "Nothing too bad. Headache every now and then, but nothing as bad as the other meds. Any side effect I get is not often and I can just take a Tylenol and it goes away."

The man hummed, jotting down something on a clipboard he had. Emma could not help but see the irony. She did the same thing in her everyday job, talked to people, tried to help them, wrote down notes that she needed to remember on a pad she kept around. But after helping others, she would turn around and get help for herself. There was nothing wrong with that. That was something she had struggled with for a while-how could she help others, especially in her job, when she herself was seeing a therapist. But as she progressed and got better, she saw that everyone has a bit of brokenness in them and getting help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.

The therapist looked up. "When we talked a few weeks ago, you said you were making a list of things you were going to do to aid your recovery. Let's talk about that."

"Okay-" Emma started slowly with a small nod. "Well, I started working out more. It was hard at first to figure out a schedule and with work and all that-" She paused. "But I figured it out. I try to run at least three times a week. More if I can, but I set it at that so I don't feel disappointed if I'm to busy to get more in."

"And is it helping?"

"Yeah, I think so." She answered. "It normally helps mellow me out and it helps with my sleep schedule. I'm off the sleeping pills. Have been for three weeks."

"Glad to hear." The man gave a small smile. "What else?"

"Um..I changed my diet. Ust eating better, more vegetables and more water, less take out and all that. It was not fun, and I had to figure out balance. I still am trying to figure that out. But I apparently like cooking and when I don't burn something, I'm not half bad." She gave a small laugh, remembering the first few weeks of trying to figure out how to make her food edible and not black. "And it helps me feel healthier and I think that improves my mood. The water helps me stay awake and less dependant on coffee."

"And the coffee is not good for depression." He reminded her.

"Right. I still have it, but I'm not drinking three cups a day like I was last year. Normally just one cup."

"How's work going?" The man asked her, changing the subject.

"I like it. I work with troubled people, a lot of them teens. I try to help them so they do not end up making bad choices and ending up in prison." Emma sighed, shifting in her seat and running a hand through her hair. "It's stressful some days, but I think that is because I can't always help them. Sometimes they don't want it. And with the teens, they just remind me so much of myself that-" She stopped, not sure how to finish.

"You want better for them?" Her therapist offered.

"Something like that."

"That's only understandable. It's good though." He told her, adjusting his glasses and setting his clipboard down on his lap. "Gives you something to work towards. A goal if you will. Now, what about relationships?"

"Romantic or in general?"

"Whatever you want to talk about, Miss Swan?"

"Well," she started. "It was hard at first. All my friends moved away after college. Everyone except Will and Killian. Will-well, Will and I were never close, but he's pretty nice. Not always one hundred percent there and has a tendency to find trouble wherever he goes, but nice."

"And Killian?"

Emma sighed. "We had issues. But, he did help me a lot throughout my treatments. But I knew I wanted to reach out to other people to. My friends from college. They were the ones who encouraged me to get help in the first place.

"I normally cut myself off from people." Emma continued. "I always have, ever since I was a kid. I guess I'm pretty lucky and Mary Margaret and Ruby wouldn't let me do that. It was annoying sometimes, that they always wanted to know how I was doing, but it was helpful. I needed it. And now, that they are not living with me in a dorm, I have to try harder. It was so much easier to hide away and lie to them, but I could not let myself do that. It would not help me get better. So, I would skype them a lot, more than I honestly thought I would, and before we talked, I would think through the things that I needed to share with them. I guess in a way it was accountability. Someone beside me and Killian knew what was going on. And they could help me. In some weird, ironic way, it taught me to trust."

"Sometimes in our darkest moments, we manage to learn the most important lessons." The man gave a dry laugh. "Tell me about this Killian. He knew about your depression?"

"Yeah. He was here and we were working on rebuilding a friendship and I guess it was just natural that I told him. He was a huge support system." Emma told the therapist the story of how they met in college, her freshman year and his sophmore. How they were inseparable and he was always able to read her like a book, how he was her rock, always there when she needed him. She told him how they were both stubborn idiots and it drove them to not talk for months before Killian was in a terrible accident, leaving him with no memory. By that point, the undiagnosed depression had already ravaged Emma's life and she was broken. But the prompting of friends led her to do the right thing and help him, like she knew he would, and she found some healing in the friendship. She told him how eventually he remembered, and she decided to get help. And when everyone left after graduation, Killian stayed and they tried to rebuild what they once broke.

"You care for him?" The therapist asked.

She knew it was silly, but she felt a blush rise on her cheeks. "Yeah. We tried dating for a bit...but I told him I could not do it with everything going on. I needed to focus on getting better, doing what was right for me. And I needed a friend."

"Really?" The man seemed surprised.

"Yeah...I know it was selfish, but-"

"Excuse me for interrupting, Miss Swan, but that's not what I meant. It's not selfish at all, merely a bit shocking." He picked up his notepad and flipped through a few pages. "You're high functioning depression. Normally when I see a case like that, I would see the opposite. The person would stay in the relationship to make the other person happy. They do everything they can to make other's happy, but neglect themselves. But you did the opposite. Miss Swan, I think that shows true progress.

"Really?" Emma had thought for a while that she might really be getting better, but she did not want to jinx anything.

"Really. Do you think you could ever see anything progressing with this Killian?"

"I think so," She whispered.

The rest of the session flew by, them talking about her next steps, what to look out for now that she was further down the road of recovery, and him telling her to call if anything seemed wrong. She made another appointment, this one a few weeks away, something new. The therapist said she was doing better and did not need to see him so frequently. They could meet two or three times a month, rather than every week.

A smile was plastered on her face as she made her way to her yellow bug, everything that had happened in the last hour floating through her head. Maybe she really was getting better? And maybe she really could have a relationship.

No, not maybe. Yes. Emma was done with maybe. She had been a fighter and she had made progress. And sure, she was not one hundred percent, but would she ever be? She knew this disease would always be a fight, even if it were in the background. It was not never truly going to go away, she just had to be tougher.

And if the past few weeks showed her anything, it was that she was.

Pulling out of the parking lot, she waited a moment before turning left out of the doctor's office, away from her apartment building, but towards Killian's. If she was smart, she would go home, get some rest, and think about what she was about to do. She would run over what to say in her head and make sure this was the right decision.

But Emma Swan was done playing it safe. Depression had already taken so much of her life. And not it was her time to take it back.

* * *

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	19. Anterograde

**Well, this is it. This is the last chapter before the epilogue. Thank you all so much for you for the support you have shown to this story. It has been truly amazing. Make sure to keep an eye out for the epilogue. It should be out soon and I am sure you will all like it.**

 **This chapter is dedicated to you all. You are all amazing. Have a happy new years!**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

 _Chapter 19: Anterograde_

 _Could this day just be over? Please? Emma thought._

 _She had overslept and missed her alarm, making her late to her morning class. She spilled her coffee on herself and had to sit like that for an hour before she could sprint back to her room for a quick change. Than for her next class, she forgot to do the pre lecture reading and looked like an idiot when it came time to discuss things. Now, she had a giant mountain of homework to finish and all she wanted to do was go back to her dorm room, crawl into bed and take a long nap._

 _They had only been back from Spring break for days and the stresses of school were already catching up with her._

 _Spring break had been nice, Emma thought as she walked back to her dorm. She has scoped for jobs in Philadelphia and even talked to a prospective boss. They were nice jobs, with a decent pay and a nice area, but she put off accepting anything just yet. She told herself she wanted to see if anything else came along. As she had sat in the car and thought about it on the ride to the shore to meet Ruby, she knew something about those jobs did not feel right, even if she could not put her finger on it._

 _So, here she was, mere weeks before graduation, with little to no clue about where she was going to end up afterwords. It was driving her crazy, her being the type of person who had to have the next few months of her life figured out. The lack of control was killing her. Her friends were finishing up putting the pieces of their post graduation life together, yet here Emma was, confused about where she fit in the world._

 _As she pushed the heavy door of her dorm building open, she felt her phone vibrating in her back pocket. She sighed and ran up the stairs to her floor, throwing her bag onto the floor of the common area to fish her phone out of her pocket. By this point, she had already missed a call, but the same, unknown number was calling back, her phone still vibrating._

 _Emma normally did not pick up unknown numbers, a lesson Neal taught her a while ago. She would let the phone ring and then text the number, asking who it was, just to make sure it was not someone she knew with a new number. But whoever it was seemed to be in the need to get ahold of her, and the least she could do was answer the phone._

 _And besides, after the day she had had, how much could one phone call affect the rest of her day?_

 _Emma answered the phone, but before she could even get anything out, the voice on the other line frantically asked, "Hello? Is this Emma Swan?"_

 _The voice sounded familiar, but Emma could not quite put her finger on it. "Yes."_

" _Emma, it's Robin." The other voice replied and Emma smiled._

" _Robin. What's up?" Emma looked at her phone again, inspecting the number. She had never deleted Robin's number from her phone, so he must be using another person's phone to reach her._

" _It's Killian."_

 _Emma quickly grabbed her bag and headed to her dorm room. "What about Killian?"_

" _He had an accident." Emma listened as Robin told her about the car accident, her interrupting occasionally to ask if he was okay or if he was hurt._

" _Em," Robin finally said. "He hurt his head."_

 _Emma closed her eyes tightly and sat down on her bed. This could not be happening. "How bad? Is there bleeding. Can he-"_

" _Emma, he has amnesia. The Doctor says its retrograde." Robin gave her a few seconds to process it. "He doesn't remember Will or me."_

" _Robin, I'm so sorr-"_

" _That's not why I am calling you, Emma"_

" _Why?"_

" _He remembers you."_

* * *

Emma slammed her car door closed, trying to not to overthink this. Was she making a mistake? Was she rushing into this? Was she really ready for what she was about to do?

Emma sighed. All she knew was that depression had stolen so much of her life and she was done letting it control her. She finally had control over the disease and returned to a somewhat normal life. She was going to do what she had not done while the disease had ravaged her life- she was to go after what she wanted and really enjoy her life.

Her body took control as she knocked on the door of Will and Kilian's apartment, because if her head was leading her she probably would have gone back to the car. It took a few seconds, which felt like days, for her to hear footsteps approaching her and see the door swing back, revealing Killian on the other side.

"'Hello, love." He smiled. "To what do I owe this surprise?"

"Is Will home?" She looked behind him to see if he was there.

Killian looked behind him, then back at her. He leaned against the door frame, with his good arm holding the opposite wall. He was dressed simply, in black jeans and a grey t. "No, he went to work about an hour ago. He's working nights this week."

Emma was not sure what to do know. She had driven over here, all sure and ready to make a grand move, but now she was standing with Killian in front of her, unsure of what to say next. In her defense, works had always been Killian;s strong suit. Actions were more her style.

Maybe it was time to stop talking and take action.

She leaned forward, wrapping herself around him in a hug. It did not take him long to reciprocate, removing his arm from the wall to wrap it around her waist. He leaned back to see her, confusion written on her face. "Not that I am complaining, love, but what's this for? Are you alright?"

Instead of answering, she leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss. It was not long, the rational part of her brain that kicked in somewhere between her car and his apartment door telling her not to prolong it. But it was something. Something she could build on later.

"I think we should talk." Emma whispered.

"I would agree." Killian chuckled and he moved from the doorway for her to enter the apartment. "Would you like a drink?" He asked her.

With a shake of her head, she sat on the couch, folding her hands over themselves. He sat on the opposite end of the couch, resting his arm on the back of the couch and turning to her. He sighed and said, "I thought you wanted to wait."

"I did."

"So why now?"

"It's been, what, eight weeks since I told you I needed a break?" Emma started. "I started working really hard after that to get better. I wanted it."

"Love, I don't mean to sound conceited, but you did not do this for me did you?"

"No," she shook her head. "I did it for me. I had to do it for me otherwise it never would have worked. I'll be honest and say a part of me wanted to get control so we could have a shot at...something." Her cheeks blushed and she hid a small smile. "But moreso, I wanted my life back. I wanted to stop having to fight the depression every day. I wanted to live. I wanted to get better so I could have me back. So, that's what I did."

"Tell me, love, what did you do exactly?" He pondered.

"Everything I possibly could." He laughed at that, knowing that Emma would stop short of nothing to get what she wanted. "I did every little thing the doctor said had a chance of making a change. I worked out, I found hobbies, I ate healthy-"

"Ah, I knew the healthy food wasn't for naught." Killian teased, earning him a shove.

"That one wasn't my favorite, but like I said, I was determined." She laughed.

"So, did it work?" Killian asked, returning to a more serious tone. "Are you cured?"

"No." Emma said briefly. "I'm not. But I don't know if I ever will be. I'm going to struggle with this a while. Possibly forever. There are going to be easy periods where it doesn't bother me and bad period when it comes back. But I have control right now. I have control over the depression and I am happy. That's doesn't mean it will never come back. But right now I'm not fighting with it. Right now I'm okay."

"Are you okay with that? Possibly never being cured?"

Emma paused. Was she okay with that? Knowing that there was always something that could go wrong, knowing in the back of her head that there was the potential for the depression to come back, to be worse.

"I think it's like what David used to say." She finally responded. "Like is made up of moments. Good ones and bad ones, but they are all worth living. We just have to enjoy the moments we get in between the bad ones."

"So, you want to enjoy your moments? Even with the depression?"

"Yeah, I think so." She bobbed her head slightly. "I'm not one hundred percent better now and maybe I never will be. I've got a long way to go. It's a long road no matter what. But like I said, I've got some control over it. I'm sleeping and the meds are helping me cope with some of it and I've learned what I need to do. I'm better than I was a year ago. But I want more. I want to get my life back. I think that is how I beat the depression. I punch it back and enjoy my moments anyway."

"I'm proud of you, love." His voice was sincere. "I always knew you could do it. I'm yet to see you fail."

"Thank you...for everything. For helping me and not giving up on me. Despite everything."

He moved towards her on the couch, enough to be near her while still giving her space. He reached for her hand. "Always, love. Always. Now, not to be impatient, but what does this mean for us?"

"Us?" She teased. "I wasn't aware there was an 'us.'"

"That kiss earlier would say differently."

"I was thinking," She said, hesitantly. "Maybe we could pick up where we left off? I don't think we should rush into anything, but maybe...I don't know. Take it slow and see where it goes?"

"Are you sure, love?" He asked. Still, even when he was getting what he wanted, he was making sure she was okay with it. That is was not to fast for her. The was he looked out for her would always be one of her favorite things about him.

"I told the doctor about us." She told him, thinking back to her earlier appointment. "Me breaking things off...he said it was different. It was a sign of progress, because I was going something for myself. But I think now, now that I have control, this is a sign of progress too. I am doing something that I know will make me happy, despite what those old demons in my head told me. But I'm letting someone in, which is something the depression wouldn't let me do. I have control over it thought and I want to progress more...so, yeah, I'm sure. This is what I want. It's what I've wanted for a long time."

"Well, than, who am I to argue with the lady?" He smiled suavely, before leaning in to kiss her.

She knew they had a lot to figure out. How would they make this work? But they had tackled a lot separately, and a lot together. Emma could not think of anything that would be to hard for them. They were fighters and they were survivors, people who did not let anything in their past hold them back, no matter how hard it was.

Emma knew she had things to figure out on her own too. She had to continue the progress she had made, not let it slip now that she had hit an easier part. She still had to fight like hell, maintain what she had achieved. But if the last year had shown Emma anything, it was that she was capable of it. She was capable of defeating the past and moving on.

And now, she was ready to move forward.

* * *

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	20. Epilogue

**Well, this is it. The last chapter. Retrograde has been an insane ride. When I first started writing it, I did not think it would become the story it did. I am still blown away by how much you guys liked the story.**

 **Thank you to all those who read, reviewed, followed and favorited. You always encouraged me to keep writing and helped the story out. You are all so wonderful and I could never thank you enough for the support you showed this story.**

 **A new story should come out soon. I hope you all read it and enjoy it as much as you did with Retrograde.**

 **Once again, thank you so much for the support you have shown.**

 **Enjoy**

* * *

 _Chapter 20: Epilogue_

4 years later

Emma turned over, her hand instinctively reaching out across the sheets to the other side of the bed. Still foggy from sleep, she felt the cold, empty bed, and slowly opened her eyes and sat up, finding herself alone in the bedroom.

She sighed and threw a pair of leggings on under her long t shirt that she used for sleeping, leaving the bedroom and padding her way into the kitchen. She could tell the coffee maker had been used, enough liquid left in the maker for her morning pick me up, and her usual mug left to the right of it. After pouring herself a cup, she went to the window that peered into the small backyard, knowing she would find what she was looking for.

Killian was sitting, nursing his coffee, on the swing of the swing set he insisted on building shortly after they moved in. " _Killian, we don't have any use for a swing set. Why would you build one now?"_ she had initially asked. " _It's a reminder, Swan. A symbol of how far we've come and how far we'll go."_ She had laughed at his way of making everything grand and important, even though it was one of her favorite things about him. But he stuck with his point that they would need it one day and that until than, it could be a small reminder of their story.

 _The first three weeks of college had been...well, an adjustment. New classes, new schedules, new food, new people, new everything. It was a lot to take in all at once. Emma was managing though. She had hit the ground running with her classes, her scholarships that were making this possible lurking in the back of her mind at every moment._

 _Killian insisted she was working herself to hard, that she was doing well for her first few weeks and deserved a chance to celebrate. Emma wasn't for going out to drink, saying that she had already had one too many run ins with the law and was not ready to go down that road again. Killian had laughed, not needing to know the entire story, never once in the three weeks that she had known him pushing her to tell more than she was ready to. He had just told her to meet her in the parking lot behind her door at 7 on a Saturday night._

 _Their car ride to wherever he was taking her had been quiet, filled with simple conversation of how classes and everything was going. They were still on new ground, a tentative friendship built through some common interest and mutual friends. Neither of them knew how far to push or how close they were._

 _When they finally stopped, Killian cut her off before she even had the chance to speak. "No questions yet, love." She must have made an unsure face at him because he promptly added, "Try something new, darling, it's called trust."_

 _He led her into a park, mostly quiet due to the time it was. Neither of them said anything until he stopped, standing in front of a swing set. He sat down and waited for her to do the same._

" _You know," She finally said. "When I said I wasn't up for drinking, this is not really what I had in mind."_

" _We're not breaking any laws, are we?" He joked and she just shook her head. "I thought it would be calming, love. Not having to stress about school and just being able to relax like when you were a child."_

" _I didn't go to the park a lot as a kid." She shrugged her shoulders. "So, if you were going for nostalgia, it's probably not going to work."_

" _I wasn't. I did not come here too often as a child either. I guess we are similar in that respect." He chuckled. "We could come her now though. Make the memories we never had as children."_

" _Why did you choose this place?" She asked, kicking her feet at the ground, holding the chains of the swing in her hand._

" _Sometimes it's nice to take a step away from all the responsibility and just do something like a child. They know how to live."_

" _Yeah, and how it that?"_

" _Freely."_

 _Emma hummed. Her childhood had been anything but conventional, but at some age she must have still had the spirit of a child in her._

" _Where do you see yourself after college?" He asked her._

" _I don't know. Working I guess, wherever I get a job and-"_

" _I don't mean like that, Swan." He stopped her. "We'll all hopefully work after we finish our time here. Isn't that the point of it all? Where do you see yourself in life?"_

 _Emma stopped swinging. "I don't know. Living the dream?" She gave a small chuckle. "Doing everything I ever wanted?"_

 _Killian laughed, a small smile playing at his lips. "Taking over the world, huh, love?"_

" _Something like that. What about you?"_

 _He shrugged. "I suppose I'm fine with wherever life takes me as long as I am happy."_

" _Are you?" She questioned. "Happy, I mean."_

" _Sitting here with you, looking like idiots to everyone that is passing us by? Love, I can honestly tell you I am happy."_

" _Good. I think I'm happy too."_

Emma sat down in the swing next to him, careful not to spill her coffee. They sat there in silence for a few moments, the morning coolness enveloping them. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to. I get it."

He turned to her. "Do you remember what you said to me after I hit my head? When we were sitting on the swings?" She shook her head and he answered for her. "You said that it was my choice if you were in my life. And, it took me a while, but I finally made the right bloody choice. And you have chosen for me to be in your life, Swan. So, yes I'm sure I want to do this."

"When was the last time you were up on campus?" She asked, although she was pretty sure she knew the answer in her head.

"Right before we moved down here, I suppose."

"So, two years. I guess it's been the same for me. We haven't visited Boston since we left."

"Too many bad memories, maybe?" He offered.

"Yeah, but a lot of good ones too." She smiled, and he rested his coffee on the ground so he could lean over and kiss her.

"I'd have to agree, my love."

"We should probably get going if we don't want to miss our plane." She whispered, resting her forehead against his.

"Aye, love." He stood up and offered his hand out to her to help her up, before grabbing his coffee. He wrapped his bad arm around her and asked, "Ready to back to where it all began?"

"Yeah. I'm ready."

* * *

People asked them the story of how they got together. He jokingly said he could not remember.

It was Emma's five year college reunion. She honestly thought it was silly, celebrating only five years out of college, but all of her friends insisted she attend, saying it was sure to be a fun event and an excuse for the whole group to see each other once again. Killian even urged her to go. He had missed his five year reunion due to a work related conference he had to attend. He said he did not mind though. He would see most of his friends, like Dave and Robin, at Emma's reunion.

Despite what Killian told people, he remembered their story well and they both told it more times than they thought they would. They started dating a few months out of college, but shortly thereafter took a break at Emma's insistence. She had to focus on herself, on her depression. They did not tell every Tom, Dick and Harry about her depression or even his amnesia. It was not their business, even if they were pivotal parts of their story.

They started dating again two months later, both ready this time for a serious relationship. She was twenty-three, he was twenty four and they were both in love, even if they were not ready to admit it. The relationship was not perfect this time around either, but they were together and that was all they cared about.

At the beginning of their relationship, they both had every intention of moving slowly. And in some instances, they had. It took them close to four and a half years to get together. And when you have known someone for over five years, sometimes you just know that you want to spend the rest of your life with them.

That was the case with Emma and Killian. They had only been dating for eleven months when he popped the question, something neither of them would have ever expected at the beginning of their relationship. It was not some grand gesture or big plan. It was simple, spur of the moment, one night when they were walking home. He later told her he could not wait any longer. He had bought a ring a few weeks before, not planning on proposing for a while. He had just seen it and he knew was for Emma. But that night, them talking and just enjoying the company of each other, he could not wait any longer to ask her to spend the rest of her life with him.

She said yes, of course.

They were married a few months later,with only their closest friends in attendance. It was beautiful, simple, and everything either of them could have ever wanted.

As they found out quickly, marriage was not easy, but it was worth it. Emma still had bouts with her depression, none as bad as they had been fresh out of college, and Killian had his own demons. But they had overcome to much to let anything ruin them now.

Not to long into their marriage, Emma had gotten a job offer from a center down in Virginia. She would be doing something similar to what she had been, but with a higher title and more pay. She and Killian discussed it and knew there was no way she could turn it down. So, they packed up their tiny Boston apartment, gave their two weeks notice and ventured down to Virginia to get the one thing neither of them had ever had.

A home.

It had been Killian's idea to buy a house instead of another apartment. Their apartment in Boston had been home to them, but they needed something more. Somewhere they could grow and possibly have a family one day. So, they bought a house, and settled into life down in Virginia. For two years after that, they simply enjoyed life and being together.

"Emma!" A voice squealed as Emma and Killian were casually chatting with one of her old teachers. She excused them and turned around to see a very pregnant Mary-Margaret and David, all smiles.

"Oh, we've missed you guys!" Mary-Margaret gushed. "It's been too long!"

"Aye, lass. Too many miles in between us I must say." Killian respond.

The four of them had not seen each other in person in about eight , much longer than any of them would have liked. David and Mary-Margaret had been taking a vacation to Florida with their young son, Leo, to go to Disney World. On their way, they stopped and spent a few days with Emma and Killian.

"How are you feeling?" Emma asked her. She knew that her second pregnancy had been harder on her than first.

"Alright. I'm tired a lot, and having an energetic Leo does not help." She laughed.

"Speaking of, where is the little prince?" Killian piped in.

"With my mom." David answered. "She offered to watch him and we thought it might be nice to get one more weekend alone before the new baby comes."

"Have you guys decided on any names?" Emma asked.

Mary-Margaret smiled. "Yes. We aren't really telling people though. But you're basically family." They all laughed. "We're naming her Rosalie."

"That's sweet. I'm so happy for you guys." Emma told them.

"So," David started slowly. "When are you two going to have you own?" It was weird receiving that question from David. Now being married close to three years, Emma had lost count on how many times people had asked them when they were going to have kids. But normally David was threatening anyone who even came close to Emma. Early on in their relationship, Killian had even joked that he had been scared that Dave might kill him.

"We'll have one when the time is right." Killian answered for them. "Right now we are just enjoying where life has us."

They talked to Ruby and her now fiance, Victor. He was a doctor in the same area where she was working. Ruby had gotten the job that she had been so excited about a few years ago and had grown and thrived in her position. Ruby still had her same bite that she always did, though. Not that any of them thought that she would ever lose it.

"Good to see marriage hasn't made you old, Em."

"You do realize you are getting married in a few months, right?"

"I know. But that's me we are talking about. I'm never getting old. My granny has a kicking spirit up until ninety-two! I never thought you'd get old though. Killian's keeping you young." She laughed.

"Thanks for the reassurance, Rubes."

Regina and Robin were there too. They had gotten engaged around the same time that Emma and Killian started dating. For the first few months of their relationship, Emma and Killian lived relatively close to Regina and Robin, meaning they could see that at least once a month on weekends. Regina and Robin stayed where they were after they got married and they were able to continue seeing the happy couple. After Emma and Killian moved down to Virginia, Regina and Robin announced they were starting the process of adopting a child. Seven months ago, they had brought home their new son, Henry.

Regina had never been an emotional one, but clearly something about Emma's story stuck with her. After meeting Henry, Regina told Emma that he had been a foster child. Both her and Robin had been moved by her story and prompted to adopt an older child from foster care. The story had deeply moved Emma and since she had always had a strong friendship with Henry. Now, Robin and Regina were going through the paperwork to adopt another child, a bright eyed, brown haired little boy named Roland.

"I never saw myself having this." Regina mentioned to Emma at the reunion while they were getting another drink. "But they make me happy. I think I might even be nicer now than I was in college."

"Trust me," Emma said, taking a sip of her drink. "You are."

They laughed like old times.

They had even seen Anna and Kris for a few brief moments on their way out. Anna and Kris, having been the first to get married, had also been the first to have kids and were on their way to check on their your Hudson and Joanie. They told them that Elsa was doing well, taking the world by storm in her new foreign relations position.

Overall, the night was fun. They all exchanged information about where life had taken them, talking about their new jobs, new homes, and their families. They reminisced about their college days, their favorite stories making a reappearance for the night. As the night wound down, the slowly funneled out, all making promises to have lunch as a group the next day before they all left the city.

When Emma and Killian returned the their hotel room, the first thing she did was peel of her heals and flop onto the large bed, earning her a laugh from her husband.

She sat up and said, "That went well."

"Aye, love." He said as he took of his tie. "It was nice seeing everyone."

She hummed in agreement. It had been nice. She hated that they were all spread out across the map and only saw each other for major events and impromptu visits. At least they were all still close, despite the distance. That was all she could ask for.

If she had not stayed close with her friends, she did not know what she would have done. For so long, she did not have a family. They were the closest thing she ever got to one before she got married. They cared for her, helped her, cheered for her in her successes, were her support system during her recovery and walked with her through every other thing that life threw at her.

"A lot's changed since college." She stated softly.

He walked over to her and sat next to her on the bed. "For the better, I'd say."

"There were some bumps." She reminded him. They stopped talking. He got into a terrible car accident, lost his hand and his memories. She was diagnosed with depression. Some bumps was putting it lightly.

"Aye, but it's alright." He said with a smile. "What it is that Dave always says?"

Emma knew what he was talking about. The pep talk David always gave her. The one she knew he got from his mother, wise old Ruth. "That life is made up of moments. That there are good ones and there are bad ones , but they are all worth living."

"And that we should enjoy the good moments in the midst of the bad and do whatever it takes to make our own good memories." He added.

"Yeah." She whispered.

"So, every bump was just a bad moment." He continued. "But it was worth it."

It was. Back then, she never would have said that. But five years out, she had better perspective. She knew where she ended up, she knew that they overcame every bump that life threw at them. Sure, she hated her depression and wished it had never happened. She wished it would not be there in the back of her mind for the rest of her life. Sure, if she could, she would save him from that accident that cost him so much. She would most of all go back and not be an idiot in college and almost lose the most important friendship she ever had.

But she could not go back. They would always be moments in her life and a part of her story. That much she could not change. What she could do is be thankful for the journey and where she ended up. And, thought she may be biased, she believed she ended up somewhere pretty good.

"It was worth it," She kissed him chastely and leaned her forehead against his. "It led me here to you."

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